what did you wish you'd known/been told about labour and post-labour (things they don't print in books)

[choufleur]

i wish someone had told me that you can feel the baby go back up sometimes when you're pushing (but it will eventually stay down and come out)

that you'd still look 6 months pregnant even after the baby was out

always.
demand.
exam.

otherwise they tell you you can't be in established labour as you are not bellowing like an elephant.

then when they are about to send you home to faff around there, they will discover you are 7 cms dilated, and suddenly start treating you like a woman in labour, despite you having been telling them that for 8 hours.

then they will try to turn your baby, as because you have been marching round the damn hospital for 8 hours 'not in labour' no-one will have noticed he is back to back.

ill advised and unsuccessful veterinary procedures over with, you will then be so knackered as you have walked about 17 miles, that you will lie down and wake only for contractions.

they will want to give you a cs at this point.

oh Thomcat .. did you really, poor you!

if you are the first mummy to give birth in the new year, they will put your child in a tinsel festooned plastic box.

local tv cameras will turn up before you have had a shower, and interview you in your blood spattered theatre gown.

the reporter WILL ask you whether you are going to have any more babies.

it's quick and easy compaired to 9 long miserable months of pregnancy, mine was not half a scary as I thought it would be

Thomcat - that story is priceless

I have loads already mentioned on here and probably shouldn't be reading this considering I'm 37+3 weeks pregnant!

• you will not believe how anal it feels the baby feels like a giant poo
• you will not care that your DP is wiping your poo up for you
• that a lot of women don't have text book labours and not to believe them when they say you have hours to go
• that 2 paracetamol and a bath is the most useless piece of advice ever

That the midwife will ask you where your toiletries bag is and you will point to it and she will wash you from head to foot whilst you are still on the trolley holding your baby and it is fab and she even did behind my ears and i really really loved my mw!!!! (the proper one, not the student one, although she was very nice aswell!!)

You will be put into bed and then decide you need a wee (it was all bodily functions with me ) so your midwife takes you to the loo in a wheelchair and waits in the room while you have a wee and you will tell her its ok and that you can manage and she will smile knowingly and still wait and you will then try to stand up and you will then collapse, said midwife will then put you into the wheelchair and take you back to your room!

That night the midwife will come round and ask if you want ds to go into the nursery so you can get some sleep. You will look aghast and say, no thankyou, its my baby, I want him near me always and forever. At approx 3am ds will feed and then do a fabulous impression of the Exorcist with projectile vomiting which will then cover every fecking thing in the room and you will wish you'd said yes to the fecking nursery.

Midwife will poke her head round the door, say to you to sort baby out and she will sort the bed/walls/floor/etc etc out and she does and then she will make you a cup of tea. And you will then actually tell her that you love her!!!

It was a really quiet time when I was in, just me and another lady on our ward, and for that I am eternally utterly grateful

That for at least a day afterwards you will be bent pratically double and unable to stand up straight because you just feel so empty

LOL! Err no, err it wasn't me, it was a friend of a friends boyfriends cousins donkey!

that you will take your new baby to the toilet with you because they won't discharge you until you have a poo, and you know it is going to hurt, and you are going to be in there for hours and can't bear to leave your baby. Then the baby will want to feed mid poo....

that the auxilleru nurse giving you your post birth bed bath will clean your nether regions then tell you afterwards that you had done a bit of poo (and been sitting in it) but it doesn't matter

... that when you are in hospital after having your second, you look at all the mothers picking up their babies when they are fast asleep and think they are NUTS... glance over at sleeping 12hr old baby, then turn around, pick up your coffee and put the headphones on for the tellie....

(cuddles and bf-ing and adoring gazing strictly restricted to times when infant not happily asleep in cot/plastic box I am afraid)

... and on that subject. It all seems rather bizarre in retrospect that you have all these new mothers waddling wandering around in unsuitable nightwear, huge pillows clearly visible in their knickers, wheeling around plastic boxes with babies in them...

Of course I was one of them!

LOL Tomcat - have a vision of someone with mad hair running down the platform. couldn't do that where i live you have to have a ticket to get on teh platform

That you will say to your hv that you would like to try for a natural birth and be yelling for an epidural the minute you get fed up with the tens machine

That tens machines do feck all

That once hooked up on the epidural (god, I love epidurals!!!) you suddenly instantly decide you want a poo

The midwives will tell you that you don't and anyway, you can't move becaue you are attached to the epidural machine you were so insistent upon

You demand the right to poo and, with dh on one side and a midwife on the other holding you up, produce a poo into one of those cardboard bowler hat type things, the size of which a rabbit would be proud of

You feel insanely proud of the fact that you "had proved them wrong" !!!

Later you can't believe you were so belligerant over a poo and want to curl up with shame

Oh my god, can't stop laughing at this post. So funny!

but choufleur, who was gonna stop her?! here the platform nazi would have opened the barrier in shock!
free tickets for waterloo!

LOL! You need a ticket where I live too but I was obviously in labour, was wearing my dressing gown with a huuuuuuge bump, had waters pouring down the inside of each leg and screamed 'let me on the platform my husbands on it'! Think the guard and all the Monday morning comuters guessed what was happening and kindly didn't make me buy a ticket!!!!!!

jooly you post had me laughing out loud

I loved the 'mw good cop/bad cop routine'

And as for

'That you can pack as many old T-shirts as you like for giving birth, but you might feel that you can'r bear anything touching you at all! I am not normally an exhibitionist, but in all 3 labours I have felt the need to be completely naked, and couldn't seem to give 2 flying figs who might be unfortunate enough to have to witness the trsumstic sight of my end-of-gestation body. I was even wheeled naked down a corridor in a wheelchair (the mw did throw a blanket over me, tbf) and I cared not a jot!!'

I think that was the funniest post I have EVER read

not really to do with the details of child birth or post labout but take really cheap foam flip flop with you to the hospital the wear to the toilets/shower (see throughout teh thread about teh amounts of blood that is lost). Unless you are the 1st person to have a shower after they have been cleaned then there will most probably be someone else's blood on the floor.

after the first birth, i wished in the days that followed that someone somewhere might have mentioned that my arse would feelm as though it had been invaded with a cricket bat, vigorously, for quite a while (and yes i do mean the fat end of the bat)

didnt feel it after subsequent births, but that is the clearest memory i have of surprise sensations following no1.

That for all your hard work you will be rewarded with a feast to die for..... a scratty piece of cold toast

that they will give you this toast even when your baby has been taken off to resus, and expect you to eat it.

no-one will speak to you for four hours and you will not know if your baby is alive or dead.

actually, scrub that, it's a bit mean for first-timers.

That you will make weird unearthly animal noises.
That you will get to the point where you want to die.
That crowning really does feel like someone's opened your legs and aimed a blow torch at your fanjo
That when you have a natural birth, once the baby is out, you will feel a sense of exhilaration and pride in yourself that's like nothing on earth!

that for all the hours you spend concentrating on your birth plan, writing, rewriting, typing it up, spell checking, rehearsing it, making sure DH knows it all...not only will the MWs not even ask for it, you won't even think about it once.

that all these magazines that tell you to pack some books and magazines for in-between contractions are having a laugh at our expense

that the first poo after delivery will hurt - more than the labour itself!!!...5 days later it finally came out the size of a cricket ball (honestly, I made DH look at it!)

that post-delivery, the MWs and HVs will come out with all manner of useful advice it would really have helped to have known at around 38 wks so you could get the stuff in...e.g. anusol, lactulose, witch hazel, lansinoh...oh, the relief of the witch hazel on a pad in the +++size bridget jones black pants! - why oh why doesn't anybody tell you to just get some in??? it's about £1.50 in boots!

if you can get near, get rid of the lady bush hair before hand, or the slightest hint you might need some assistance during delivery and a dry razor will attack you - and the last thing you need with piles, bleeding, acid wee and cracked nipples is a constant fuzzy itch down below due to regrowth.