Birth story jealousy… recommendations for support

[bagelsandbeagles]

My sister just gave birth to a gorgeous baby boy, I am so over the moon for her and after such a difficult pregnancy and generally hard past no one deserves it more than her.

However, I can’t seem to find myself jealous of her birth story. I had a little girl over a year ago and was in labour for 24 hours, ended up with an episiotomy and forcep delivery. I found birth very hard, my pain threshold although high did not help at all (it really is a unique pain!). She gave birth in 3 hours, only had one stitch and seems very put together.

I just feel like I had such expectations for the birth of my little girl and I’m so glad she is here safe and sound however I can’t help but find myself jealous of my sisters birth story.

To help me overcome this feeling has anyone got a book/podcast recommendation? I know that a lot of women feel this way hearing birth stories from friends and family members so hoping to find someone who has a good resource of how to overcome this.

I know it seems like I’m being bitter but I’m really not, I am so extremely happy for her I just would love to feel better about my own experience! I also would never let her know I’m feeling this way.

Thanks in advance ✨

I don't have any good recommendations for reframing your experience but I wonder whether this will become a non-issue in a couple of weeks anyway? Obviously right now everyone is focused on the birth but in my experience that passes quickly and no-one really talks about it again. I'm not discouraging you from seeking to address your feelings but I also think there's probably a lot of focus on the birth now that will quickly dissipate. Did you feel sadness about your birth before your sisters birth?

I have no useful advice, except to say it's completely natural to feel jealous, and it shouldn't make you feel less about yourself. You sound like a very lovely person who is very self-aware, and I hope over time that you feel better about it. Who knows, maybe her little boy will be an absolutely horrendous sleeper and it will all balance out!

Yes I did, I think it’s just because I had high expectations which probably didn’t help. I have a few friends who also went through fairly straightforward births and I felt a similar way but like you said it’ll be less at the forefront of people’s minds in a few weeks.

I am also due another baby midway through the year and I think I have some fear around the birth id like to address before having a second one. Thank you for your insight x

Ah ok, it sounds like this might not just go away in a few weeks then - sounds sensible to try and address it.

I hope you find some resources that can help you and that your second birth is a better experience.

There's a lot of 'positive birth' stuff around these days; it's great because it empowers women to be able to understand and make choices etc but I do think there is a tendency to set an expectation of experience beyond "we all got out alive" which may have previously been the only bar people cared about 😂

xx

Maybe that’s the mentality I need to adopt “I survived and that’ll do” 🤣

thanks for making me giggle x

I dont have any advice but completely relate. I felt and still do feel the same tbh. My LO will be 3 this month and I had a similar delivery to you so chose a planned section for my second who was born December 2024. The section was lovely and definitely the right choice but yet I still find myself reflecting on my first labour and wishing it went differently. Almost as if I wish I could have a do over and another crack at it 😂 I hope your second delivery goes the way you'd like and that goes some way to healing this feeling ❤️

I don’t really think about birth in the way of expectations - it’s an extremely intense process for your body to endure, even if it was an easy birth. I’ve never understood how anyone can “expect” anything apart from not dying.

I had an extremely easy, smooth, no tears 6-hour birth with my first. I then had a second 17-hour birth with episiotomy, ventouse and external and internal stitches 8 weeks ago. However, I also had raging PPD after my first and am having a much better time since my second. I don’t feel badly about either of those experiences because I came out the other side alive and well, twice. That is an amazing thing for anyone to be able to do, and you are amazing for it too.

It’s very normal to have negative feelings when things don’t go the way you’d hoped.

Just for a little bit of perspective, my first baby died and my second was delivered by emergency section under general anaesthetic with a failed spinal at 33+1 after my waters went in the middle of the night. We spent 3 weeks in NICU and I had to stay on the post natal ward with all the mummies who had their babies with them while mine struggled in an incubator. I missed all his firsts and I’ll never have a single memory of his actual birth. Neither will my husband as he was removed from theatre.

I don’t say this to belittle your experience, quite the opposite. There isn’t enough awareness around birth trauma and choices. The HCAs in charge of my care after my section refused to wheel me to NICU as it’s a two person job and one of them wanted a tea break. Everyone is very fixated on the oh well, never mind, baby is here now, onwards and upwards. But mentally and physically we are not ready for acceptance when things haven’t gone to plan.

My SIL was due 4 days before me and ended up having the kind of birth everyone dreams about. The only ‘natural’ birth of their NCT group, 9lb baby, no tears or pain relief, etc. I have to live with the fact everyone thinks a section is a failure and that I’ve been mutilated unnecessarily (section could have been avoided but no one listened to me) for the rest of my life. People don’t realise how damaging it is.

Check out the National Birth Trauma website and also request a birth reflections appointment from your maternity service. It can’t undo what happened but they go through your notes with a fine tooth comb to make sure you have all the facts from the medical side as well as your own experience. Sometimes, just having the medical professional explain why it was essential and what decisions were made by them can be helpful as it all feels so out of control.

I understand what you mean about feeling less put together too. Two days after SIL gave birth they were out and about going for tea and cake and two days after the first time I gave birth I was choosing a coffin. Two days after my second son, I was in agony from failed spinal and emergency section, pumping milk all hours of the day and night in front of total strangers, running back and forth between post natal for my pain relief and NICU to sit beside my little boy’s incubator. We don’t all get the dream and it’s not fair. It doesn’t mean you wish anything bad on others either, it’s just normal to feel the why me feelings.

Oh OP I do feel for you. I think expectations regarding birth are so unfair to women these days. When I had DC1 I did hypnobirthing and was desperate for a water birth. The hypnobirthing did actually help keep me calm and not “lose my shit” (the big thing I worried about!) but of course….the water birth didn’t happen! I ended up with an episiotomy, ventouse and lots of external/internal tearing. I was in agony.

But just this evening (and I promise I’m not making this up) I was giving my DC1 a hug before bed and I said to them “the day you were born was the happiest day of my life” and it’s true. Them being born transformed me as a person, they made me become a mother, they changed my very being and every time I look at them I can’t believe how this amazing little person is my child. I say this because in the aftermath of a birth, and I think that can last for the first couple of years postpartum, it is normal to fixate on the birth and try and process our hopes and dreams and whether they came true or not. But I promise you 3/4/5+ years down the line you will only see your DC and the wonderful person they are, not the birth that brought them into the world.