I'm having my third ceasarean tomorrow afternoon at 39+3. Had a pretty bad experience with an afternoon one last time (zero postnatal care). I've moved hospitals but a lot of feelings I don't seem to have processed have been coming up lately. It's also been a really tough fortnight with the older children (2 and 3) being ill and waking repeatedly in the night, so I'm exhausted already.
I've tried to talk to DH about how I feel but he's been too busy until late this evening. Now he says 'there's nothing left in the tank' and therefore he can't help. I don't know why there's nothing left in his tank. I've also been working and have done the vast majority of the childcare up to and including today, and 90% of all other labour. He's stressed at work (but that's always true) and he's decided only to take 2 weeks' leave (although I've said this will be tough).
For several months now he's not been engaging when I try to talk to him (I've had bad antenatal depression). At this point I'm wondering if it would be better to go alone tomorrow rather than having him there making me feel even worse (last night he had enough in the tank to tell me I should get a tummy tuck post-section, and this morning enough to yell at me for bringing the children back 6 minutes late for church after I'd taken them to the park by myself for 2 hours). But I'm so freaked out anyway I am worried I'll be a total mess either way. He says he'll never forgive me if I ask him not to come, to which I've said I won't stop him, but I don't feel at the moment like it will be good for me to have him there.