Hospital visitors after birth - MIL

[moon9876]

So I am due baby number two in 3 weeks. For my first baby I had my parents and also MIL all visit at the same time the day baby was born (8 hours after middle of night section and no sleep) and it was too soon to have so many people there.

My MIL was trying to invite all my husbands adult siblings to the hospital to visit while i still had a catheter in. I told my husband to say no to this as I barely see them so needed some personal time to recover. DH wasn't particularly happy at the time but I felt I needed recovery time which to be fair he did end up understanding.

This time around I only want my own mum and DH (and toddler) visiting in hospital then my dad and MIL can visit when we get home. I want my own mum mainly there for the support as we are close, it's really not about who meets baby first and I don't want it to become that. My MIL isn't always the most tactful and will be wanting loads of pics of just her and baby which I feel can be done when we are home.

Is this bad towards my MIL? It's so hard as I keep imagining how I would feel if my son's wife had a baby. However I also feel I need to prioritise my own mental and physical health in the few days after the op. Any advice?

‘We aren’t having any visitors until we get home, as we expect to be home quite quickly this time”

I don’t think visitors necessarily think about what mothers having physically just been through / are going through during childbirth.

Just be positive, rather than give the impression you’re trying to keep them away, so it lands right…!

Stick to your guns.

We won’t be having hospital visitors, I’ll be in touch as soon as I feel well enough for visitors.

I absolutely agree with this. No one thinks that mum has just been through something major and exhausting and needs time to recover

Would you actually be upset if your sons wife did the same thing, or would you understand?

I didn't have any visitors at hospital but my in laws met the baby first at home so it wasn't about keeping them away.

My ds's dp had my first dgc. He was a week old when I saw him. Her dm was with her during the birth. Didn't occur to me to mind. My dd recently gave birth and I was there. Her mil was at home awaiting a call. Your dh needs to remember who he made vows to imo.

Personally I’d just say no visitors in the hospital. We went home the next evening so DD2 was there (with a gift) when DD1 woke up, it was magical x

No bad at all. What's bad is to expect someone who's vulnerable after just giving birth to accept visitors.

Not bad at all. With my first my mum was looking after the dog, so she got invited to the hospital for a couple of hours then went home again. PILs visited when we got home.

With my second, my mum was looking after DS1 and dog, but we were in and out of hospital so quickly we just saw her at home later that evening. PILs again came up a few days later.

None of our family is local, so maybe that made a difference,

Anyway as the mother of 2 sons, I will absolutely not be mad or weird if I don't get invited to the hospital, nor will I care if any potential DILs want their mothers around more than me. It's completely normal to want your own mum during big moments in life, MILs need to recognise this isn't about them.

Just tell everyone not to visit until you're home . Just DH and dc at the hospital . Your DM and MIL should be treated the same . They are equally the new baby's GP .

But they’re not equally the patient’s - the mother’s - parent!

If my son in law was in hospital, I wouldn’t take offence at him prioritising his own mother’s visit when he was feeling sub- par!! Your focus only on the baby suggests exactly why the birth giver’s own parent takes priority.

No visitors in hospital. Your mum isn’t a visitor she is an assistant helping you.
tell your husband if he would honestly want your mum seeing him just after surgery with his tits and bits leaking and a tube up his penis

They’re not in hospital to meet baby, they’re in hospital to help their daughter in recovery and to take the big kid in to meet sibling

I’m a mother of a son and I would understand a woman who is leaking and sore and a hospital patient doesn’t want to have to make small talk wit her mother in law

I've had 4 babies with the first my mum, mil, sister all turned up at the hopsital.
With the following 3 I told everyone no visitors in the hospital. I even told hospital staff not to let anyone in except my birthing partner.
Do what's best for your mental health.

I cant believe they would expect to visit you in hospital. That seem highly inappropriate

just tell them. And if they insist, dont tell them about baby until you’re home

So your Mum is welcome but your MIL isn’t? Their relationship to your baby is the same. How I feel for all of these excluded MILs.

How does your husband feel about not being allowed to share his happiness with his mother?

I can never understand these threads and can’t imagine not having let my Mum and mother in law meet their grandchild as soon as they could. I didn’t have a particularly easy birth but of course I was happy to have them visit me in hospital. My mum arrived within a few hours of my daughter being born and my mother in law came the next day.

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But her mum is there to support HER not to build a relationship with the baby. Op is not a walking vessel, a vending machine from which a grandchild is produced- she has her own needs and wants and her wanting to have her own mother there to support her through birth is not excluding mil from the baby.

Indeed, meeting the baby in the first few weeks has almost nothing to do with the baby’s relationship with their respective grandmothers- that relationship builds later when the baby is independent from mother.

State clearly that you will be having no visitors this time except DH and DC1.

Don't have MIL expecting to visit until you are home..

Don't post any photos or thank you comments on social media featuring your own mother if she ends up transporting DC1 into the hospital to your DH. That would be unkind.