how do i convince husband homebirth that trying for a homebirth is a good idea??

[bealcain]

I'm 31weeks pg with dc3. i had a hospital birth with ds1 and ds2, although with ds2 i had planned on having it at home. It was great, the mw's came round to my house for ante-natal appts which really helped what with having a 16mo to take with me. They came to my house to confirm i was in early stages of labour and then came back when i was in established labour. If gave me the ability to prepare my ds1 a bit better for what was coming and i felt good in my home.

I decided as soon as i got pg this time that i wanted a homebirth, or at least wanted to try for one. This is going to be my last (said that last time!!) and i want to have a positive experience that i can always look back on and feel good about.

I've explained all the benefits to DH, as has a mw and my BM who's also going to be there at the birth, if it;s a Hb. I just cant seem to get through to him that it's safer and by far the best option to at least try for, even if it doesn't actually happen that way. Why are men so hard to please sometimes???

What happened while you were having ds2 that meant you ended up in hospital after all? That might well be what's bothering him, if you tried to have ds2 at home but were admitted to hospital anyway he might be thinking 'what's the point?'. Births are something that our DHs witness but can't actually do much about, he probably feels happier with the thought of you being in hospital where someone can Do Something straight away if there are problems. And if you had difficulties last time that might well be enough to colour his judgment this time.

Having this problem myself at the moment! DH not convinced, but the thought of another hosptial birth fills me with horror

Going to mention it to midwife at my app next week? I will be 26 weeks by then......have I left it too late?

Have you asked him what the issue is? For my DH it was being too far away from a NICU/SCBU as DD1 had serious problems. I felt that his concerns were valid, and also that he would be so freaked out that he would do me no good at all. So I decided that I'll go to hospital this time, even though he has told me that the final decision is mine and that he will support me in it (as it should be!).

Maybe he has a silly misconception that could be sorted out with hard evidence and facts. Or maybe he will have a reasonable concern that you can both think about together.

becaroo at my clinic the midwife sais you could be booked in as lae as 30 weeks and then they do a home visit at 35 to discuss it more fully with you and your dh and let you know what will happen and what you will need etc

but i have told dh that we are having a hb and if anything looks even slightly wrong or whatever they willpack you off to the hosp

plus midwife says that you can change your mind at any time toa hosp birth so that has talked my dh round

I didn't really give my dh the chance to argue! With a home birth you get the dedicated attentions of 2 MW and get to sleep in your own bed afterwards and I really didn't fancy the hassle of the drive to hospital probably in rush hour. My dd then 9 was in the living room watching a video the whole time too so she got to see her brother when he was a couple of minutes old (and read him a story!)

Sorry, I am confused and I am not being a jerk, but it is YOUR labour, surly you get to decide?
I am pretty sure men don't ruminate over labour and delivery the way we do, so I do think you should choose where you want to spend some of the most uncomfortable hours you are likely to ever have?

How about a midwife centre? Any around?

Failing that, tell him you will have a hospital birth this time, and a home birth NEXT TIME

lol starlight!!

see reading all your posts (thanx btw0 i know it makes sense and i know that it's my birth expereince and not his, but he's still not comfortable with it. He says he doesn't know why but he thinks babie should be born in hospitals. i think it's just gona be down to me to say that i'll try for a hb and you can lump it or just f off and not be there. that would sure rattle his cage!!

Also, to extend the subject a little further, i've just sat and writen my birth plan (that's me writing it not him!!) and i mentioned that i wanted a close female friend there for extra support. He says there's a place for partners and a place for friends - oartners at borth, friends after...any feelings on this?

Perhaps he's worried about who is going to clear up the mess?

But seriously, what are his objections?

Oh sorry, just read your last post. Did he do that research Starlight suggested?

he thinks hospitals are safer. I think because it's seen as the norm he wants to do it to. he doesn't understand how important it is to me.

I think some people (lots of people actually) can't escape the feeling that hospital is safer even when they are shown that it isn't. They've been conditioned into thinking about birth as a medical emergency over their whole lives. Logic and facts don't stand for much really - experience does. You need to do it (give birth at home) to truly know.

Goodness - I used to think that way. Until the point was proved to me in the most unpleasant and painful way, after which I decided to stay at home and have my babies!

I had exactly the same issue with my DH for my second DC, I was really convinced a HB was best but DH was not and was really worried.

Here you can book a HB then change your mind right up to the last minute and go to hospital, whereas if you book hospital you can't change your mind and go home! So I convinced him to let me book HB and 'we'll see'.

I explained to the midwife and she came to my house when he was here and answered all his questions honestly and fully. She was great. I also did lots of research to look at statistical results which helped (he's an engineer so feels comfortable with numbers LOL!)

Finally I explained exactly why I wanted a HB and told him how bad I had felt in hosp (did not want to tell him before in case it upset him and also did not want to think about it again). I said if he was really uncomfortable with it, I wouldn't do it, as it is his baby too, but I really really wanted to give it a try.

I also mentioned that although most women have hospital births they almost all have home labours - all alone with no midwife, no supervision and no gas and air. At a HB you have a midwife all to yourself from an earlier stage, and also have the wonderful gas and air at home with you!

Eventually he agreed, and it was fine, fab and quick, my DD was born on the sofa within 3 hours of going into 'proper' labour and it was everything I had hoped it would be . Afterwards he said he was amazed how relaxed it was in comparison to the first one, and how in control I had seemed. Plus he got to break out the champagne straight afterwards!

Yes, there are things that can go wrong. But things can go wrong in hospital, just different things!

starlight is spot on, men need it in black and white if you're taking them outside their comfort zone - my DH went on a journey which started with him cacking himself at the thought of homebirth, to telling everyone how brill it was afterwards - I drip fed him stuff every time the chance came up, and he never wondered why we were watching so many programmes with births in them lol!

My DH was the same but he agreed that as it was me delivering then it was up to me, so dd (dc2) was a homebirth, now we're ttc dc3 and this will be a homebirth too!! He loved that we were both in our own environment, no mess left, and 45mins after our dd was born we were cuddled up in bed with her on our own!!!

The benefits down always seem clear to a man, afetr all he's never been throguh a labour before so he doesn't know!!

i think i might print off the thread and casually leave it laying about!! you all make so much sense to me, but then i'm of the belief that men think totally different to women and dont see things the way we do ,so maybe if he sees this it might help. i'm still going to try for one, but we'll see after wat he felt about it!!!