DP and I have never spoken about traumatic birth

[User08305972]

I had a very very traumatic birth. Eclampsia - collapsed at home alone in a locked house, couldn’t get out before I started seizing. Literally thought I had died when I passed out. Woke up in hospital, didn’t know I was pregnant, needed a CT scan and then had a c-section. My BP was super high for a week before they finally let me go home. I was a literal mess. Thought I was gonna die the whole time.

I came out and had to monitor my BO 3 times a day, and trying to get also look after my son while have severe PPA. Panic attacks, nightmares etc.

My partner during this whole time and ever since, this is 2 years ago now never wanted to really acknowledge what was going on. I tried to bring it up in conversation afterwards and he just didn’t really want to talk about it, would change the subject, not say much. Has never acknowledged how horrendous it all was. I told him I thought I had died, and he just ah did you and looked away then changed the subject.

it has left me feeling really isolated with it and really alone, as if it’s just mine to carry. I think I’m feeling really resentful as if I’ve had this earth shattering thing happen and he’s just unbothered by it all. I’ve since had EMDR and still have talking therapy for it. Has anyone else had this?

Could he be possibly traumatised from it himself? I had a terrible birth, ended up in icu for a few weeks and didn't realise for a while just how horrible it had been for DH. So sorry that you had a horrible time x

I'm so sorry for what you want through and what you are still going through.
I assume you've talked to your therapist about how disappointing it is that your partner won't open up about it - we're they able to help you come up with any strategies to discuss it with him? I'd be very surprised if he's unbothered. It's much more likely he's also traumatised, and probably feeling some combination of guilt over not being there for you and fear of making it worse but saying or doing the wrong thing.
Is there any chance of you both seeing a therapist together?
Would it help if you asked him to set a specific time aside to talk about it, or told him that you feel alone and really need him to listen, or that you feel alone and you really want to hear about how he experienced it?

He might be afraid if he thinks about it it will be too much to cope with? It must have been traumatic for him as well.

I don't mean to say that your trauma isn't absolutely valid, but he might not be the right person or ready to support you through processing it.

I wonder if he would be willing to come and see your counsellor? It might help you both to talk it through with a third party there to help.

I agree with this. Your DH had to watch all of this happening to a person he really cares about. Alongside the already stressful situation of becoming a new parent and having to face the fact that he might be the only parent. He has trauma too.
He is probably not the best person to be helping you right now.

There's a lot to unpick there... being locked in, not knowing you were pregnant, eclampsia, emergency C-section.. you must be very traumatised...anyone of those things would be scary, let alone all of them at once.
I'd imagine DP must have been scared too, but he didn't get to experience it all himself and maybe hasn't quite taken in everything that happened. Maybe some sort of joint talking therapy/debrief might help. Is he the sort of person who can say how he felt witnessing what he did? Does he know how dangerous it was for you, or has he focused more on the outcome, ie the baby ?
This must be very hard for both of you, especially you, and I hope you can work your way through this together.