I toyed with whether I should write this here, as I thought “What if my daughter reads this one day?” but I owe this to the people before me whose posts I read that got me through the darkest of days, and I want to write this for those who will come after me, who aren’t sure of what they are feeling and are scared of getting help.
My daughter is 19 months and this weekend I have felt for the first time an absolute love bomb has gone off in my heart. I came online to search if it is possible it has taken 19 months to bond with my daughter (turns out it is) and I thought for all the times I have turned to mumsnet to help me, I should repay the favour. So here I am.
I had severe PND that gradually got worse over the first 5 months after having my baby. In a twisted weird way I was fortunate that it got so bad I was having debilitating panic attacks and spent the day staring at the ceiling because I had no choice but to get medical help fairly soon, and it was the best thing I EVER did. EVER EVER EVER! Within a week on the meds I didn’t have another panic attack again, I could function, and whilst still numb life became manageable. A couple of months later I started to feel myself again.
It wasn’t really until 6 months on the meds that I really felt completely myself, and when I went back to work I was very happy and actually felt like I was thriving. I started to slowly come off them once feeling better and had no issues with the taper or any withdrawal or rebound. I have been off them for 6 months now.
Back to when my baby was born, I did feel intense indescribable love at the sight of her, but as soon as my milk came a day or two later, it completely disappeared. I’d be fine during the day, loving maternity leave, but then spend the evening hours crying wondering where my love went. Everyone said it was baby blues, but those baby blues never lifted, they only got worse. When I realised I had a birth injury some weeks later, I went into a spiralling pit. I blamed the way I was feeling entirely on the birth injury. I was a runner before having a baby, and being active was my life, I truly thought my life was over. I was mourning the loss of my old life as well as being convinced I couldn’t ever be the mum I wanted to be. I cried thinking I couldn’t run after my little girl at the beach, that I’d never spin her around dancing at a school disco and that I couldn’t participate in the parents race at sports day. I realise now that I was catastrophising, and that was a part of the PND and probably PNA. I think that a birth injury just gave me a real health anxiety for my PND to project onto, and that PND had been there since the day my milk came in. In hindsight there was signs there earlier that we didn’t realise were perhaps more than a regular amount anxiety. For example if my husband walked in the park carrying our baby I’d be frantically pointing out every tree route urging him to pay attention not to fall over, or when walking along the pavements I’d make him walk as far away from the curb as possible just in case a car lost control and mounted the pavement hitting him whilst carrying the baby. Sertraline truly saved me from these obsessive thoughts. I ended up giving up BF earlier than I would have liked to, as I do think the BF hormones/lack of oestrogen were playing a big part in my PND. Coincidentally the birth injury improved a few weeks after giving up BF, but I also had been on the meds for a couple of months by that point so I will never know how much the symptoms we exaggerated by my mental state.
Over time I become obsessed with my daughter but there was still a small part of me that felt slightly like I didn’t know what everyone raved about having kids, and that I wasn’t sure I ever wanted another. I found it hard word and not engaging. That was until this long bank holiday weekend when I am alone with her with for 4 whole wonderful days. The last two days oh my goodness the most intense feelings have FINALLY come. I can’t stop looking at her perfect little face, listening to her beautiful little voice and capturing every moment, sending videos and pictures of her to my family, telling everyone what she has been doing, and the funny things she has been saying. It has taken a while but almost like a switch has flicked I truly believe we have now finally fully bonded. I hope it lasts as I never go back to the place I was in before. She is my everything.
I wanted to post this here to add to the solidarity to all the mums in similar situations, and for anyone else who reads this post. I owe so much to the strangers on the internet whose stories I read when I was desperate for answers to the way I felt, the validation I got for the way I was feeling, and glimmer of hope I had reading stories of people who were out the other side. You may be in the thick of it now, and it may not be everything you imagined, but I promise you it gets better. One day you will be living in the light, it might just take a bit more time or help to get there, and that is ok!