Scared to birth alone - but also don't want a birth partner

[DawnBridge92]

So I'm in a bit of a dilemma. I am in late stages of 3rd trimester with my first baby and am having to finally take my head out of the sand and face the fact that I will be giving birth very soon. The problem is I don't want a birth partner but I'm also scared of birthing alone. These are the options I have:

a. DH as a birth partner
He is an amazing amazing partner but does not cope well with the idea of witnessing blood, anyone in pain or giving birth. We've had this discussion several times but I know no matter how much he will try to focus on me, he will either pass out, not want to be there at all or generally be so scared that I would be worry more about him than myself giving birth

b. My sister as a birth partner
Again very supportive but has her own life and family. She would drop everything for me at the drop of a hat but I don't want to be an inconvenience. More importantly (for me) I am so scared of having to be undressed around people. I come from a very modest family and the thought of her seeing me half dressed or even less makes me so anxious. I know these seem like minor issues but are a big deal for me that I can't get over

c. give birth alone
I've always been one to face things alone and to an extent prefer it sometimes. But this is my first experience of birth and hopefully not but things could go wrong. The midwives I have come into contact with for one reason or another at my hospital have been amazing and no doubt will be amazing when I am in that situation but will I be doing myself a disservice?

I've researched doulas around my area and they are far and few in between and the ones who are available are out my budget. I also don't have any very close friends that i would be comfortable having as a birth partner for the reasons outlined above

Am I being silly? Am I overthinking? How do I make a decision?

I would have a birth partner - if things get complicated or you’re struggling to cope with the pain, or you get a midwife who won’t listen to you, you need someone who can advocate for you. There are ways round being scared of blood or wanting to preserve your modesty so I would focus on who is best placed to support you.

Your DH should grow up, get a grip and step up. If he’s going to be a competent parent he will witness blood, sick, snot, shit and all night crying in a matter of days. Best he starts in the delivery room.

Your DH was quite happy to start the pregnancy, he should be there at the end of the pregnancy!

I would go for B.
Firstly, don't worry about inconveniencing her. Anyone who gets this opportunity will just feel amazingly happy that they get to be part of something amazing, and how trusted they are to be allowed in. Honestly, it's an honour you are thinking of giving her.
Secondly, clothes. You don't have to be naked. You don't have to have her down the business end. If you want, you can go buy a giant nighty 4 sizes too big, and/or a comfy crop top for underneath. The chances are that when you are in the moment, instinct will take over and you won't care, but just in case you can prepare a little bit and think about what you might feel comfortable in.

If your sister doesn't do it, then I would reconsider DH- the midwives are not with you all the time, but in and out while you're labouring, and I would worry about feeling a bit lonely or overwhelmed without someone there. Again, you can keep him up top of you need to, and there really isn't anything messy until the end- maybe you can warn him before hand that at that point (or if he's feeling queasy at any point) you would rather he move out of the room, as you need to be able to focus.

Agree completely with PP, I’d really recommend having a birthing partner. It can be a very overwhelming experience and you need someone who knows you who can advocate for you if you are not able to do so for yourself, who can support you physically and mentally- labour is HARD and can also be long. Midwives can be amazing but there isn’t one with you all of the time, they pop in & out of each room until it’s time to push really so you’d be spending potentially days in labour in agony on your own, that would be incredibly difficult I think mentally.

It’s also helpful to have someone there to bounce ideas at, for example if your labour isn’t progressing and interventions are being discussed/offered it is useful to have someone neutral and on your side to discuss that with. If things went horribly wrong (as they did for me) and you end up being separated from your baby after birth due to illness/baby needing checks it’s a huge comfort to have someone who can go with baby/stay to support you.

I’d take your sister if you worry your husband may not be able to support you, but I would definitely take someone.

I needed someone there for practical bits and pieces, and to advocate for me as I wasn't really in a state to speak up for what I needed. You can totally do the birth bit alone but you might be glad of a 'runner' or someone who is kind of following what's going on, where your stuff is. If you have to randomly go into surgery after birth, who you'd like to hold and look after your baby? The birthing bit is definitely doable alone...but just knowing someone's there to have your back, move your stuff (e.g. from ward to delivery suite)...I had a stinking cold and just having someone go and get me some OJ and more tissues was probably more valuable than being there for the birth. 100% recommend DH resting up and saving himself from the trauma of he is happy to do so.

Ps I got to say be prepared to throw all dignity out of the window.

I was very like you. Was going to go on my own even to the point when I was in hospital my thoughts were to do it by myself then contact DH to come and meet baby.

My thinking was like this because my husband hates blood etc can’t watch any hospital type programs on tv.

However when it came to the crunch he rose to the occasion. The birth didn’t proceed as planned and I was glad he was there to advocate. He had to go with the baby by ambulance to another hospital.

Don’t write your DH off it’s a special occasion you will probably find he rolls with it and is better then you imagined.

There is a lot of waiting and if you are connected to monitors etc you need someone to fetch your fan / drinks etc

For what it is worth, my dh told me that he faints at the sight of blood, but was able to be there and be supportive through 3 home births. Turns out it is his blood that makes him feel funny,not anyone else’s. 😆. Maybe your partner is the same?

Your partner (if you do pick one) can be in and out if that works for both of you? Maybe don't have them in if you need examinations/the messy bits, but they could be there for the ward rounds/decision making bits/to fetch snacks/distract you early on? Sounds like theatre would not be the right place for your husband if you were to end up needing anything doing there. It's not wildly uncommon for women to not have birth partners (the MWs often seem to allocate a student to those rooms to help with the 'fluffy stuff').

From a professional POV (am an obs anaesthetist), it's all v well saying that a man just needs to man up and deal with it, but it isn't at all uncommon for them to faint/vomit/really struggle and there is really not much you can do to change that and it does distract staff from looking after the real patient. I wouldn't insist on a fainter being around for a process that's notoriously messy and occasionally becomes really quite dramatic.

Whoever you get to partner especially if it's DH, the fainting can be helped by them looking after themselves, not over dressing (as hospital is super hot) and having snacks, staying hydrated, going home for lunch etc etc. Whoever you have doesn't have to be there 24/7 or for all the gruesome bits but just the peripheral stuff is still very valuable...

...also don't be a martyr mum afterwards OP...let DH in on the stuff it's character-building and sets the path for a healthy parenting journey

There's a lot more to labour than just the moment of blood and gore at the end. You could be in hospital for many hours before any blood comes out and you'll be in pain, maybe scared, and in need of support. If your husband can't be there for you in those moments then he doesn't deserve you to be honest. The moment of giving birth is not about blood and gore it's about you and you will need support. I gave birth without a birth partner by accident and I regret it hugely. My EXH would have been pretty useless too I imagine but at least he would have been there.

My husband doesn’t do blood and gore either but he was there through one vaginal birth that ended in theatre - and in forceps, episiotomy and a post partum haemorrhage- and two c sections. I don’t think he saw much blood, if any at all. He just stuck to the head end and all was fine. But I really needed him there, not least as a sounding board for making decisions. They are his children too and, while I made the choices, I needed to know I had his backing.

I went in on my own for #3 and it was 100% the right decision for me. I remember saying as soon as the baby was out that I was really glad I hadn’t brought anyone with me. Nobody in my life at the time was quite right for the role.

Major differences were though that I’d obviously done it before and so had a bit more idea what to expect than I did first time round. I was also in the private sector where you have at least one midwife with you throughout. On the day I ended up with one I’d just met and another whom I knew pretty well as she’d also been involved in my second pregnancy.

If I were you, I think I’d be really pulling out the stops to try to make the doula option work as that would be a good equivalent, i.e. a professional person who can focus just on you.

I'd be very disappointed in my DH if I were you, and won't he be embarrassed to admit to family and friends (never mind his future child!) that he wasn't there to support you and witness them coming into the world?
Child birth can be a long old process and the gory bit is a very small part of that!! Fair enough if he needs to look away to leave the room at certain points but I can't believe he doesn't want to be there for you and his future child!

Your DH needs to step up. My husband found my first labour stressful and wanted to sit outside the emergency section to which I said a firm no! He still did his very best to keep me calm etc.
Parenthood is full of bodily fluids and stuff you don't want to really do- kids being sick on you.all night for example! In the end him being at the birth is just the start of his parenting journey.

Thank you so much for all the advice. I won’t lie I haven’t fully made up my mind but I am definitely leaning more to having a birthing partner - just not sure who yet.

My partner would go with me and be there for me but again I do feel like I would be more worried about how he’s feeling which is not the greatest thing to consider when I’d be giving birth. Or worse as someone else has posted, if he does pass out it’d be an inconvenience overall when the focus is supposed to be on me and baby.

I’m a very anxious person overall and this is one of the bigger things I’m worrying about along side the whole prospect of giving birth itself. I just hope it all works out. It’s getting nearer and nearer but I’ve still got a few weeks until my due date supposing baby arrives in time 😬

My DH was worried about this and I was worried he’d pass out but he was actually fine; he may surprise you and I think it’d be shame for the both of you for him not to at least try. What stops you having both of them?

I would definitely have a birth partner. I couldn't imagine going through labour on my own.. Even afterwards, getting showered, going to the loo etc and just having someone you are familiar with. It can be a long process for some! My partner faints at the sight of blood, can't even watch any tv programmes or gruesome films. He has watched me haemorrhage multiple times and go through it all and he was absolutely fine. He said that he was only thinking about my safety and baby the whole time and the adrenaline just takes over. Would DH not be upset if he missed the birth? X

I think don’t press your DH. Discuss with your sister and see what she says. She may offer. If not, do it alone. I haven’t but men don’t always add to the experience, as their reactions can vary.

You'll not be on your own at all during the process. I would not take anyone. You'll have a midwife. That's all you need. Perhaps get dh to drop you off, stay around to start with, get you some snacks and drinks, in take a photo. And then give him your blessing to depart. I think once you're in serious labour the midwife is assigned just to you and no-one else. And if there are complications, you'll be given more staff to care for your needs. I really wouldn't worry about it. Tell your husband not to exceed a 2 mile or 5 mile radius from you and then you can call him if you really do need him later in the process. But you'll really be fine and you'll feel super proud you did it.

Please be assured that the hospital are used to women coming alone - if they know you are likely to be alone they will try to allocate a student as well as your midwife so there is someone sat with you if you need support (midwives do need to pop out) but how about having your husband with you and he just leaves for the last bit if he’s not coping?

Well that's not strictly true! I can't imagine any hospitals have sufficient midwives to dedicate one to every birthing mother at any time. 13 years ago my, well respected, hospital didn't and I barely saw a midwife an hour as they were dealing with an emergency. I was very glad of DH to go for sandwiches, and then get help when I became the next emergency.

Things may well go smoothly, but don't assume you'll have a MW with you the whole time.

If my sister asked me, I'd be honoured and excited, and we don't really get on! Your DH may surprise you, but it would be good if he could be in the hospital at least! It's not 1962.

DH was there for two of three births, but I didn't feel the need to hold hands or to be told I was doing well or something. I would have found that annoying. I really went in on myself using gas and air.

DH missed my second birth so it was just me and a midwife in the hospital. It was fine for me, but others need more support.

With my third DH was asked to help the midwife holding one of my legs up so he saw DD come out, which would freak some men out I guess. You wouldn't want a fainter in that situation.