Really interested in idea of a doula, but husband unconvinced...

[hattyyellow]

Is this common?

I had twins last time and an elective situation under GA due to low platelet levels.

Am pregnant again (9 weeks so still very early) and although a mother of two have never even experienced a contraction so the whole birth process is very new to me.

I'm very keen to have a VBAC. DH very supportive of that.

My interest in a doula is partly due to lack of help locally - the postnatal part particulary interests me. Last time around we had very little help and the girls early days was a very lonely and difficult experience as I struggled to breastfeed them and recover from the section and GA. Dh had to go back to work very early and it was a pretty miserable experience. I didn't really ever catch up on sleep or recover and ended up getting infections.

The thought of someone helping this time around who didn't have to stay with us and who could help ensure I got support and rest and time to enjoy the new baby, and could help with the DD's and a bit of housework is just bliss!

DH however is really not keen. It's still early days but he's very private and doesn't like the thought at all of someone being in the house - he'd like it to be a special time as a family. I do too, of course, but he'd be back to work fairly soon and I'd be the one left most of the day with 2 toddler and a baby. I'd so like to enjoy the early stage a little more this time around!

Any advice?

hi.

I imagine it is perfectly common - especially for blokes who don't really understand what a doula can offer.

Have a look at the doula uk website and get him to have a look too.

See if he would be willing to meet with a doula beforehand, to see whether he thinks that it is workable.

You could also suggest that you have someone to help you after he has gone back to work, so he doesn't necessarily need to be involved at all.

I had a birth doula, and she supported both of us through pregnancy and a prem labour so that we both got what we needed.

If he is going to choose to be back at work early, then you will need support - and given a choice of family staying with you, or someone that you are paying to help as you need it, I know what my DH would choose. Would your DH prefer to think in terms of childcare, a cleaner, and someone to cook ?

Well get the postnatal doula to start when your dh goes back to work. That is quite common. I thought you were referring to a birth doula (different to a post-natal one). I had both and would have them again in an instant if I were ever lucky enough to get pregenant again (highly unlikely)

A birth doula would be fantastic, but I think it would be very very tricky to get him to agree to that.

He'd love to take longer to help but we are both self-employed and would struggle without him going back to work pretty quickly.

I think we have different thoughts on what is a neccessity post-birth. Last time around, I found it very hard to live in chaos and just let the housework slide - he'd happily do so in the first few months.

We're also not hugely well off so it is a financial consideration - we both have to agree that it's a good use of limited funds.

Turniphead thank you - you have really put into words the benefits that I can see of doing this. I think "no one we know" has done this which influences DH, he isn't familiar with the concept at all. Our friends with 3 children have had 2 sets of active and supportive grandparents nearby and a good couple of weeks of paternity leave available.

I wondered a lot at the time when I had my twins whether I had PND and had a lovely doctor and midwife who kept a close eye on me. I don't think I did but I think I did suffer from the loneliness faced by many modern mothers, we were living in a new area with no family. It was a time to just get through day by day, I don't think I felt elated or happy for several months, I just coped minute to minute with so little sleep and so little help. It must be so nice to have helpful, loving support nearby.

It would be lovely to have such impartial support, where you didn't feel like you had to be looking after a guest as I would do with a female relative.

It would be lovely too to gain some enjoyment from the first few months - at the moment I am seeing it as a hellish time to be got through with no sleep and no help - that I'll just somehow struggle through feeling miserable and coping by myself until the baby starts to sleep a little more.

Just some time to rest and catch up on sleep, to get breastfeeding going, to spend time with DD's or for Dh to be able to take them out without feeling guilty that he should be at home helping would be great..even for the two of us to go for a quick walk would be so nice..

Our nearest doula charges £300 for 36 hours of postnatal support which would just be bliss - to have some stretches of the day where I can just sleep and rest and enjoy my children without guilt that I should be washing/cooking/entertaining DD's.

DH does as much as he can whilst he's home but why does it have to be as hard as last time...must try and convince him! Sorry for long ramble! It's my biggest concern about the whole thing and I'd love to do something positive about it..

If he's being a bit of a bloke about it (and I don't mean that in a bra-burning nasty way) you could perhaps not use the word "doula"

Try "mother's help" instead

Doula UK has a hardship fund and it's worth looking at trainee doulas whose fees are capped.

Squonk that's a very good way of looking at it...will try that approach thank you.

Marslady thanks that's a good idea too (am I right in thinking you have twins as well or am I imagining it?)

I do indeedy! If you want to chat it through my email is mars at mammydoula dot co dot uk.

I think doulas (being one myself lol) are brilliant and can be a real lifesaver.

That's so sweet of you Mars thank you!

I do wonder if I'm potentially imagining one baby to be the lack of sleep and amount of feeds and work of two, because that's my only experience of new babies...

it perhaps might not be as hard as I think but I would love to be able to spend time with my lovely DD's too as well as enjoying the new babe.

Dh hates cooking - will do it, but doesn't enjoy it...didn't realise doulas could help with cooking as well - that might swing him!

Turniphead sounds like it would really help you as well. My mum is still alive but has not been well since my dad died and MIL very frail. How old are your DC?

Turnip it's wierd for me too to have a Christmas due date after August babies last time!

My girls are 2.9 so will be about 3.5 when the new ones born if all goes to plan. At nursery and pre-school some of the week which will help.

That sounds like a good gap that you will have between your DC's. Laughing like mad at the frozen breadcrumbs! It will be much more helpful for you to have someone impartial that you can relax with and ask to help you where you need it, rather than worrying that you might say the wrong thing or hurt her feelings.

Fingers xd we both persaude our husbands!