TW: c section/newborn distress

[clinellwipe]

TW: negative c section experience, briefly unwell newborn, fear of dying

I had an elective c section this week and had not been anxious about it or concerned - had had a really positive emergency c section previously so assumed this would be similar or even better.

I know it’s very early days and both me and my daughter are home and healthy which is what counts. But I am surprised by how frightening I found my c section.

I used to be a hospital doctor and my husband is an obstetric anaethetist himself so I ‘know’ what’s happening in theatre etc. But when I had my spinal block my blood pressure really dropped (I was also very anaemic to begin with which didn’t help) and the sensation was, how I imagine, it must feel like to be dying. My hearing went and it was as if I was about to lose consciousness. The anaethetist was great and quickly gave me drugs to raise my blood pressure - I was in safe hands but it was the most unwell I’ve ever felt.

Then my daughter was born and needed CPAP, they did the emergency buzzer for her but also accidentally for me which meant two teams of emergency staff came into the room. She then had to go to NICU and we went to recovery without her. Luckily she was only there for about 40 minutes and I can’t imagine how other mums must feel who have their precious babies in special care for days or weeks or longer. But it was such an anticlimax

Alls well that ends well and we are both healthy but bloody hell, I’m glad that this is our family complete and will not be going through birth again.

Not asking for any specific advice just getting my thoughts down on my phone I guess. I feel like I’m making a mountain out of a molehill as I know so many others have it ten times worse

Also forgot to add that the cord was wrapped around her neck three times which everyone in the theatre room were talking about whilst I was lying there waiting to hear an update on how she was doing. Again, I know how lucky I am and that all ended ok but childbirth (in all its forms) can be A LOT.

Theatre's are terrifying places when everything goes smoothly, so when something goes wrong it's fucking awful.

I had an emergency section with 1st dd and they had issues with the spinal, I was contracting every minute and then she had to go straight over to thr Dr's for checks. It wasn't fun. I dont think I processed this at all until my 2nd (elective) section where I burst into tears as they were prepping for my spinal in theatre.

Don't let anyone say you shouldn't have these emotions because healthy baby blah blah. It's fucking terrifying. Find someone to talk it through with, even just an understanding friend or your dh. Acknowledge the feelings.

Sorry it was a bit shit.

I lost of lots of blood in my first ELCS and had the whole impending sense of doom, losing consciousness, knowing I was on the brink of death etc and it is really scary, compounded by being "ignored", i.e. physically they are saving you, but no one tells you what is going on and as you cannot move, it is a horrible feeling of helplessness. I was very fortunate that I didn't have a scare about the baby at the same time, so I cannot begin to imagine how much worse it was for you.

Try to find people who will listen without trying to gloss over what happened. You are not making a mountain out of a molehill. You and your baby are physically safe now, but you need to get back to a state of feeling mentally safe, and that can be a bit of a trek on the road to recovery.

You're definitely not making a mountain out of a molehill. I had sepsis after my first c section and the sensation was like I was dying. I will never be the same again after that day. I mean I'm my usual happy self these days but there's always a part of my mind that has been touched by that feeling, so I'll never feel truly carefree again, I don't know how else to describe it. I've spoken to other mums who had birth-related sepsis and they all say the same, that they'll never be quite the same again psychologically. When your blood pressure dropped so significantly you might have gone through the same thing.

It didn't help that I lost a huge amount of blood, well over 3 pints. They acknowledged afterwards that they should have given me a transfusion. Taking high dose iron supplements for many months has slowly helped me recover

I intensely remember clutching my husband and telling him I was dying, and looking into his lovely eyes thinking it was the last thing I'd see. If you know, you know. If you haven't been through this experience (looking at the pp who commented first), you probably thinking I'm being dramatic. But I'm not. It's a known symptom of sepsis

Raising my eyebrows at this, a lot.

Being waterboarded is just getting a bit of water poured over your face. Like running the shower over your head with your mouth open, right?

I’m surprised you are so blasé about someone feeling they are dying. That’s traumatic. You’ve had a massive failure of empathy.

That’s sounds really terrifying. Have you asked for a birth debrief? That might be useful to help process it, especially if you can ask specifically for a debrief about the anaesthetic.

Despite the fact that you know now that things turned out ok, there was help etc etc., at the time YOU BELIEVED YOU WERE DYING. That's not making a mountain out of a molehill to find yourself traumatised to whatever degree. Any one of us would be troubled if we found ourselves in a situation (any situation) where we truly believed we were dying. Our whole being is geared towards survival. I'm sorry bringing your child into the world was so frightening.

Please talk about it with people around you, make notes on your phone, post on Mumsnet...! There's a part of the memory that hasn't been updated with the fact you survived and you examining the memory in a "normal" way in your own time in the following weeks with people around you is a big part of literally helping your brain process what happened.

I had the same thing with sudden BP drop. Felt awful and my body was trying to vomit but couldn't due to epidural. Saw black spots and could feel consciousness slipping away. They still hadn't produced my baby as they were doing something with her and I still hadn't heard a cry. But within minutes I was fine and she was fine and I basically didn't think of it again until I read your post. My overriding feeling surrounding the entire experience is so positive: the excitement of being about to meet her, the lovely feeling of the epidural as it got to work (like dipping into a jacuzzi), the fun chats with the doctors and nurses and then eventually, the lovely baby in my arms.

I also had the blood pressure dip following the spinal for my latest section (didn’t happen for my previous epidural or previous section ). I’m used to that feeling because I have low blood pressure generally, so have had a few near black out moments before. I can see how it’s very scary though if you’re experiencing it for the first time in theatre. The anaesthetist was also very quick to tell me it was normal and showed the spinal was working, and I’d feel better in a moment. I’m so sorry you had such a traumatic experience, and I’m also sorry the team weren’t more attentive and reassuring.
Our son was also in NICU this time for 48 hours with transient tachypnea, so I also know the feeling of going to recovery without your baby. Big hugs - take care of yourself, and give yourself time to process and recover.

You are not being unreasonable. I have nearly died 3 times. And I was very very close. I have long term cptsd from it. When you feel strong enough EMDR is a brilliant resource. Xx

You’ve had major surgery while awake - you are right, it is a lot. Your body goes through a huge amount. Having your baby whisked off to NICU is awful. It feels so wrong not to have them with you after growing them inside you for months. It took me a long time to get over my section and nicu experience. A couple of years later I went past the hospital in a taxi and that was enough for my chest to tighten and breathing to shorten. All I can say is that time heals, eventually.

Oh OP that sounds scary. I actually imagine it was even more scary because you and your DH work within the medical field and aren’t naturally nervous in environments like this. It is amazing how vulnerable you feel when giving birth. It is normal to feel this way, especially when a birth experience has not gone as expected. Take time to be really kind to yourself and when you are ready do try and arrange a birth reflections meeting with your hospital so you can understand fully what happened.