Will we ever have sex again and is it the same after childbirth?

[ElmMum]

Haven't felt sexy at all throughout pregnancy. Body hasn't feel like my own, mind on other things etc etc and now I'm just a few days from EDD I feel big and lumbering not sexy.

Now I'm worrying that childbirth is going to ruin my undercarriage, IYKWIM, so it will all feel completely different and not as good. The books don't cover this stuff. How bad will it get 'down there'???

Plus sleep deprivation, general baby anxiety, turning into a mum, other half having seen me in throes of labour (not sexy, surely), how will I ever feel relaxed enough to get in the mood??

Wahahah. Advice? Reassurance?

Yes, you will. And ime, it has actually got better post-DCs.

i have had three children - after the first i didnt have sex for ages, think its becuase i didnt fancy my dp at the time.

with the other two i have done it before 2 weeks each time, though i have never torn or had stitches. you just have to plan sex a little bit more when they are so small, i get anxious about waking her so we wait until she is properly asleep and go in another room.

My fanjo was bashed beyond recognition during childbirth and then a nasty infection in my stitches afterwards (Don't worry, what happened to me was really really unusual). We didn't have sex for months and even then it was uncomfortable the first few times. Then all of a sudden it wasn't and our sex life was actually better than before. Now of course we don't have a sex life any more because I am 9 weeks pg and would throw up on DH if he tried

What I am trying to say is that even in an extreme case like mine things generally get back to normal in their own time, and most people have no problems at all. It'll be fine.

Oooh dear I can see why you have concerns. When my HV gave me the 10 day talk about contraception I laughed. As far as I was concerned at that point I was never having sex again. Ever.

I can't advise on undercarriage issue as I had a cs but the stretch marks and cs scar and breast feeding made me feel about as sexy as a dishcloth for several months. I relented for my dh's sake and actually it was lovely and I was glad I'd made the effort so to speak! 8 months on I stopped breastfeeding and shifted some weight so feeling a lot receptive. The stretch marks and cs scar will always be there but I guess if sh doesn't mind then I shouldn't.

I hope this reassures you a bit!

Well sorry for TMI, but my youngest has just had his 1st birthday and we still haven't had sex. Think it is because I am quite overweight still, and I don't feel particularly physically attractive.

And actually its usually better now even if it is fitted into ds's 45 minute morning nap window

You'll hear horror stories (esp since you have started this thread ) but I think these are rare

It depends on what sort of labour and delivery you have, but even if you do have stitches and get a bit battered, you will heal in time (as Provincial Lady says)

IME it is not the same the first few times, my vagina felt 'looser' and had lost some sensation, and it was painful - in hindsight, my tear was still healing. The important things are an understanding dh and taking your time.

After a couple of months the issue for us was getting the chance to have sex, while not feeling absolutely exhausted. Imo tiredness and body image are bigger problems than undercarriage ishoos for most people. Like scorpio says you have to plan - and wine helps a lot.

with both DSs, I never had sex during pregnancy and it was approx 12-13 months after each birth that I felt like getting jiggy.

Don't feel pressurised into 'giving' sex to your DH - you'll only resent it as yet another task you have to complete. You are not responsible for dealing with his libido.

Educate your DH that it may take months for you to want to have sex, and that it may be painful or uncomfortable fo ryou. The frequency certainly decreases, but you will get going again!

Sadly, the 6 week check implies that you should be having sex, what tosh.

With Ds1 I had stitches and it was uncomfortable for quite a while after the birth.
Didnt have sex until 4 months after and it took a couple of months after that for it to feel back to normal and enjoyable again.

I had DS2 12 weeks ago and had sex again after 8 weeks this time. It was fine and would have been fine earlier than that tbh, I was just too tired lol

Everyone is different, and even if you are one of the ones that it takes a bit longer for, you WILL get there in the end and it will be just as enjoyable if not more so!

Does the 6 week check really imply that? Just because they discuss contraception with you? That's not my understanding.

First time we did it was just before my 6 week check FWIW. I didn't really want to, but I needed to get back in the saddle. For me - and I know this is not the case for everyone - it would have become a big issue if I had gone for much longer without having sex and I wanted to get the first time out of the way. It was certainly not about doing it to keep dh happy.

surely not all dhs will put pressure on their partners when they've given birth recently? That's a bit of a sad assumption. I know mine wouldn't

Sorry last post was in response to highlander's

It took while, but all ok in the end.

I was sooo terrified of getting pregnant again that I could not contemplate sex.

Thanks everyone.

doggiesayswoof - I agree. I think it will be body image and tiredness that get in the way for me more than anything.

Plus knowing that husband has watched me push a child out of my nether regions and then sees it feeding off my boobs...at the moment (pre-birth) it seems like that can't be helpful for our sex life!

Husband isn't the sort to make me feel bad about lack of sex. He's very understanding and kind, but I know what I'm like when I'm tired and distracted with just normal life stuff. If I don't consciously make an effort after pregnancy and childbirth, I might well never do it again!

I know this thread has probably reached a natural end- but am putting in my tuppenceworth anyway - I'm another who thinks that things have actually improved since having ds.

waited till at least 6 weeks - cant remember when exactly, and the first few times wasnt great and I was very very conscious of feeling bigger than before, but since then, I have had more orgasms in the 9 months since ds was born than in the 6 years we'd been together - pretty much every time, so although i'm still a bit self conscious - still bfeeding so boobs are not what they used to be, overall, its pretty good.

I was quite nervous about having sex again especially since I had a pelvic floor prolapse follwoing the birth. However my physio said that I must go home and have sex as it was really important to help improve my pelvic floor tone.

I went home and told my husband at 10 weeks postnatal that we must have sex as the physio said we should and it would be good for my prolapse! (what a terrible pre-coital chat - I'm amazed my dh was able to do it!)

However, after a tentative start it was actually fine. The early days you sex life will be rubbish as you are so knackered. However, a year on it's absolutely fine and feels completely the same as pre pregnancy