How do I tell the only midwife I see that I don't want her at the birth if poss???

[Thankyouandgoodnight]

She's a really lovely person but for whatever reason, I just don't feel safe (labour/birth wise) with her and I also find her too brisk and chatty etc. I'm hoping for a homebirth and she is one of the home birth team members and it would be sods law.....or am I being stupid??

You talk to her supervisor and put it in your birth notes. I had this problem and the MW in question was the only one on duty at the hospital, woke me twice, never knocked and generally proved me right in my reslove that I didn't want her there. I marched to the front desk and requested that she did not talk to me again.....
I had a male mw and an emergency c-section anyway!!!
Although a friend of mine had similar reservations as you and was proved very vry worng and this mw was brilliant..... talk to her supervisor and if you're still not reassured make the correct notes in writing.

Definitely talk to her supervisor about this. I was in this situation when I had DC no2, and arrived at the hospital in labour to fidn that the mw I hated was about to be assigned to me. I said specifically "I don't want her to come anywhere near me" and she didn't.

However, with a nomebirth, you might find that you have to choose betweeen accetping whichever mw is sent or going to hospital. I know that in theory your rights are the same wheerever you give birth, but in practice there aren't always enough mw to go round for homebirths. And you may not be in any shape to argue, or have the time to wait for another mw.

Besides, brisk may be just what you n eed during labour.

As a midwife I'd be devastated if someone did not want me. Once a woman said she didn't want me to do some of her post natal care and I felt really upset, until I heard that she had refused half of the midwives in the hospital.

Of course as a mother I had a short list of the midwives I really did not want, don't know if I'd have had the courage to have said sorry but I don't want you if they had been there though. Sorry I'm whittering and probably not being very helpful. If it is really important to you then you will have to ask not to have her, but please do it as sensitively as you can, if you think that she is lovely make sure that she knows this, she might well be very sensitive and upset about it.

[hhm] malory.. it is actually very important to not have people in the birthing environment you do not want there. it can slow labour and make the mother stressed. this is definitely one of the times you can be picky about the company you keep ! as has been said , speak to the supervisor of midwives and get it in your notes.

Actually I intend to do this too. I had a terrible time with the midwife that was there when dd was born and I will refuse to have her atteding me this time. It was nearly 4 years ago and I still vividly remember how dismissive she was of me, and when I did manage to push dd out (long indcued labour, dd was back to back) she had her back turned doing something else I think a good midwife makes all the difference to how you experience labour- until this one came on duty I had a lovely midwife with me, but when her shift ended I ended up with one who treated me like a naughty child and was dismissive of me

you personally dont have to tell her, contact Team leader or head of midwifery who manage her tell them. do this in writing and verbally

however they may only have a specific number of staff and if you disbar her from your care you may also eliminate a home birth with that team

think carefully can you identity specific poor or bad practice issues or is this you do not like her manner. if it is in fact solely a personality thing, can you get over it and is she competent and able

you say she is "lovely" - so what is really the issue? do you have an expectation (or indeed unrealistic) of what you believe a mw is

whilst she may be too brisk and chatty is she a capable practitioner?

you dont have to have a pint with the woman just let her deliver your baby!

It's almost impossible to explain!
It's definitely a personal thing and I haven't seen her in action so to speak but I know what I'm like when I'm ill or in pain and what I needed during birth #1 and she may well deliver (scuse the pun) and be completely different to how she is normally. I'm of the 'don't talk to me or anyone else in my company and if you're going to touch me, make sure it's as light as a feather and don't panic me or be brusk or hurry me or be encouraging or infact be anything at all' school.....

My ideal would be for her to happen to not be there rather than as a result of any conversations, which I agree would be deeply unpleasant for all parties and wouldn't reflect my true view of this lady.

well giving birth is hands on and hands up you experience, not time for niceties or etiquette im afraid! maybe you are a trifle unrealistic here. you need a skilled practitioner not a coquettish ole mw

think carefully about this

are you projecting your understandable anxieties onto this mw allowing it to manifest as dissatisfaction with her

Have you told her this? You ought to, so that if she does attend you she is aware of your needs/wants. This sort of thing can be put in your birthplan.

Not necessarily, scottishmummy. I hated the VEs during my first labour, and specified on my birthplans for subsequent labours that I wanted minimal VEs. In my 2nd labour I had only one, and that was because I wanted to push but the mw had not been with me in the room and hadn't watched me labour so couldn't judge my readiness. In my 3rd labour I had no VEs at all.

It's more that I can't concentrate on the job in hand if everyone is chatting around me - I find it incredibly distracting and annoying. I even hissed 'shut up' to the taxi driver who drove us to the hospital when he said 'so I take it that you're having a baby then'.

yes NICE guidelines and good practice is minimal VE but birth is not a hands off process either!realistically staff can not necessarily "make sure touch as light as a feather" either

chances are it is going to hurt

Thankyouandgoodnight is this your 1st birth?

No it's not my first, my 2nd. I'm not referring to VEs at all, just normal hands on stuff that happens in the course of supporting a labouring woman.

at the end of the day it is your home, you are the client.you decide

If you feel that the midwife is lovely and you refuse her you might end up with one that is not lovely and even worse. You could always just either discuss with her during the pregnancy exactly what is bothering you, without saying that it is her, or put it in your birth plan.

Yes I agree and that is a fantastic solution - obvious but they always are. thank you!

why don't you just get it off your chest with her? If you say nothing, or go to the SOM, it's almost turning a slightly awkward situation into one where a nasty atmosphere develops.

'I think you're lovely - chatty and bubbly, but I don't want that in labour. I need my midwife to be very quiet and calm, with no 'coaching'. I feel awkward about saying this to you, but not saying it makes me feel tense and that might affect progression of labour'.

Chances are, she'll be a different person in a labour situation and by telling her, she might even alert the rest of the team to your wishes!

Great post, Highlander. I totally agree- no harm in just plain asking for what you want, in a nice way. If she's arsey about it, THEN go to her supervisor and politely ask that she not be your mw as you have a clash of personalities.

I would raise it with her, just as you have done here

you know how you give birth, it is your second baby

If possible , be specific. say "I want to be left alone as much as possible during the birth-ideally I'd like to be alone in the room where practical" (if this is the case), "I don't want to be examined unless necessary", etc.

I've asked people to stop talking to me when i am in labour-I find it distracting. I don't think anyone minded.

I think Highlander is absolutely right - but despite being a gobby cow in most things, when it comes to a real life confrontation such as this I often bottle it. So for that reason I had a think about what I'd do in your situation and this is what I've come up with:
Write yourself a birth plan detailing how you want to be treated during labour. make bullet points, keep it simple, and highlight anything that is MOST important. Then when you see this MW next, tell her what you've done and that you'd like to go through it with her. Make copies of it and get her to attach one to the notes that she keeps too so that when whichever team turn up for your labour, they'll know.
I think if she realises how important this is to you, if she's halfway good at her job she'll be great. And if she's dismissive of you, THEN speak to her supervisor and insist that she doesn't attend your birth!

Remember that being at hom gves you an element of power you don't have in a hospital. Apart from the fact that you may spend little time together (I know neither the name of mine nor have a clue what they looked like, in and out in a rather busy 90 minuteslol), you can also create an environment to help you get what you want. I just remembrer Jo the Doula and my DH. Shame Jo wasn't a mw tbh, had she been able to deliver Bas would have been perfect!

create a mw station so that they have somewhere to be when not needed for specific tasks like monitoring- kitchen table wouldbe ideal- lots of drinks, snacks, pile of magazines etc. then they can base thewmselves there and just be on call when needed iyswim. You can easily put that in your birth plan; that you need quiet in labour so have created a space for them for when they're not needed.

ANd the bonus is that if like me you have a quick birth, you get a lovely hamper of food and drink to chow through over the next few days LOL (sorry Jo, forgot to offer you any - ooops!)