3 days away from C-section and panicking

[Firsttimemum000]

I’m due to have a C-section in 3 days and in all honesty I’m nervous and panicked, and don’t feel excited to ‘meet my baby’ which everyone keeps asking me. The C-section has been a fairly last min curve ball which I’ve been quite upset about (I had hoped natural labour would be a bonding, transitional experience) but I’m mainly apprehensive about the prospect of motherhood. I have been apprehensive before I got pregnant and during my whole pregnancy tbh. I’m scared I won’t bond with my baby and that I’ll feel like I’ve made a massive mistake and want my old life back. I feel like I’ve struggled to bond with the baby while pregnant as it’s such an abstract concept and I don’t know them yet. I feel like there’s something wrong with me feeling like this as everywhere I look pregnant women seem so excited and certain. I guess I’m looking for reassurance and stories from other mums that haven’t felt that saccharine sweet excitement to ‘meet baby’ and have questioned their maternal instincts, only to find that things are actually ok and better than they expected, and the stories of love and connection are true. TIA x

I gotcha!

With my first, as with you, I found the idea of a baby to be an abstract concept. I knew one was coming, and got things ready for them. But bonding? Excitement? Nah. Other than to ask them to get off, or to poke/prod them off my bladder. Didn't play music, or talk/sing to them or sit there stroking my bump or whatever people do. With my second I was just too busy to even think about it.

At birth, a baby was plopped onto my chest and it was a bit "whoa ok now it's real". But even then, there wasn't an immediate bond. Felt a bit like going through the motions. In fact I wouldn't say there was one for at least a week or so, and built up gradually. And that is normal too. If there wasn't one after the first couple of weeks, or if you feel nothing/negative thoughts only, then you should talk to a GP/HV. Anywho, said baby is now 5, and the bond is as strong as ever.

My second was born by emergency C-section. I don't know why, but I wasn't even asked if I wanted to hold them. Baby was wrapped up and given straight to my husband to hold. This is not usual (I work in Obstetrics), and your experience will be different. Despite not getting to hold them for the first hour or so, once I did get to hold them, I felt the instant rush of love people describe. So YMMV even between kids.

Best of luck with your C-section. Having plans change last minute is rotten (both mine were the same, especially my second), but it will still be wonderful. And there is no such thing as too many photos.

First and foremost - birth is a trial to be survived. It's been a leading cause of women's death, literally the most dangerous thing a woman can do, since the beginning of our species. You will be 10000000% more likely to bond with your baby after a calm planned c section that went well than a traumatic vaginal birth with baby whisked to NICU, resuscitation etc and lingering injuries for months.

Also, I had my first about a year ago, EMCS. I didn't believe I was having a baby until I heard him cry. I simultaneously adored him immediately. Literally jump in front of a bullet for him. But also very confused by the concept of saying I was a mum.

Your baby will be an amazing love. One you may not even realise is there, and it will build and build as you get to know each other. The main thing that will aid your bonding is your mental state. The support you have will be crucial. Surround yourself with helpful support. You must get some sleep, dad needs to take his shifts. Let friends come and do your dishes or bring food. Let your parents come do your laundry. Focus on healing and time in a happy bubble with those that make you feel relaxed and calm. Take each day as it comes.

Hope all goes well x

And those hormones and baby blues are no joke! They'll put you down plenty, you don't need to add to it by putting pressure on yourself to do or feel the 'right' thing or what you think others do.

I had hoped natural labour would be a bonding, transitional experience

Let me stop you there. I know so much of the rhetoric around natural childbirth is that it’s a powerful, empowering feat of female endurance, and even if that is true, is it ALSO horrifically painful (and for many: long, frightening and dangerous).

After the birth of my first child I felt like a fool for believing in how amazing natural birth was. I had a water birth, which for many is doing childbirth right. I didn’t feel empowered, I felt battered. And I had a third degree tear, adding insult to injury.

I had a c section for my second and it was a dream. Despite the bullshit you hear from bitter women, you are missing out on NOTHING by avoiding the agony of labour.

NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL
That's all I can say about the way you are feeling.

Planned c sections are the best.

Not everyone 'loves' their baby while pregnant.

Love comes after the baby is here sometimes and that's normal

Normal to feel apprehensive and worried you will want your old life back. But the fact that you are worried about that will likely mean you won't want your old life back.l because those that do are the one who didn't think anything was going to change in the first place

I’m going to keep this short and brutally honest.

I was in labour for 33 hours (wasn’t meant to be, was meant to be elective section) and I have never experienced pain like it to the point where I grabbed my husband by the collar and told him to go downstairs and get a vasectomy and never ever look at me again because I was never doing this again

the first thing I said to him after I had the section was ‘well…I’d do that again’

the section was lovely and pain free. Labour was the worst experience of my life. Its not this joyous wonderful process; it’s hell on steroids.

@Babynamedrama I remember lying in bed in the recovery ward after coming out of theatre, having had my perineum put back together, remembering the pain of contractions and saying “I am NEVER doing that again”.

And I didn’t. Made it abundantly clear that my mental health was dependent on having a c section for my second child.

I'm due my c section in 3 days too, ❤️ on the 12th. So firstly, Hi!, we're birth buddies. It's Also, my first baby.
I've never been the maternal type, I don't coo over baby's, never felt the urge to rush and see a friend's newborn, has just never really appealed to me.
However, I knew I wanted to be a mum.. but like you, I'm fearful. From what I've heard from friends and even my mum.... That's a completely rational feeling, 90% of women will feel that way, its a huge transition, even women going from 1 to 2, it's a life changing one, and one you can't prepare for until it's thrust upon you, even with 9 months of growing your baby. You'll literally turn up to hospital in 3 days time and leave in 4 with a baby to care for. That's a shock to anyone..

My best friend and mum both said to me, without prompting, not to feel guilt or shame if that instant maternal love doesn't happen the minute you set eyes on your baby. You will feel a wild array of emotion's, a lot of them overwhelming and while you're still in a hospital setting being poked, prodded, in a state of shock, recovering, exhausted, trying to establish breastfeeding (if your choosing too) and all of that is perfectly ok. Just try to take it one day at a time, that bond will come and if it doesn't, there is help available and you're not alone in feeling that way too.
Even my DH is in a state of panic now we're days away, as the reality sets in, it's a scary one. But just know you're not alone. ❤️ as your due in December, there is a fantastic thread on here called Due December 2024 - thread 2 under the pregnancy tab, the women in there are fantastic, so supportive!! I'm in it myself and we share everything, it's been a massive source of help to me in what can feel a very lonely/scary time. Please feel free to join the group.

I didn't bond immediately with either of my children and felt exactly like you about pregnancy. I found having children has been more of a gradual falling in love that takes time but is just as valid and beautiful. Go slowly and take time to connect. Everyone bonds differently and it can feel like a lot of pressure but it shouldn't!

Ps - two sections and they were calm and lovely. I have friends who had truly horrendous vaginal birth experiences and the planned c section friends all had a great experience!

Don't worry, your heart is about to be ripped open with love either straight away when your baby looks up at you or later over time (this also normal) until then enjoy being able to watch the news without panicking over your babies future. X also planned section is so great you'll be fine you won't feel it and you won't be risking all the birth trauma that can potentially happen with a natural birth. But you will be tired after get people to help you/ cook for you x

How did it go?!

I didn’t bond with my baby before he was born, and even afterwards I mostly just felt in a state of shock and panic. I knew I loved him and knew I wanted to look after him as best I could, but it’s such a big life change and shocking thing to happen (even with a planned c section when you know when they’re coming!)

it took time for me to get to know my baby and I would say I fell more in love with him in a joyful sense as time went on ❤️ it’s very normal, don’t beat yourself up about it. There is a lot of rubbish on social media and stuff people say which just isn’t true, I think people just don’t know what to say sometimes to make conversation so they just say all the old tropes like are you excited to meet them etc.