Can I be a dad

[Confusiusdoesntsay]

Hi, wasn't sure where to go with this, so I'll try here 1st.
I'm a married man (25 yrs), only child,young mid 50s, engineer, no children, financially stable, all parts included, in good working order!
My wife due to cancer had a hysterectomy at a very early age.
A child has never really crossed my mind......until now.
Leaving my wife isn't an option, I'm too old for sperm donation, besides, I would like some input at least in my child's upbringing. I would want them to know who their father is.
I don't know of places that could deal with this, or if any women would even accept the situation.
So, I would be interested in your views, and if anyone could point me in the right direction.
Thank you in advance.

What is your wife's views on this ? Will she be part of your childs life ?

Probably not. Mid-50s. Which means by the time you've sorted out a woman who wants some kind of throuple parenting arrangement, you'll be 60. Parenting a teenager in your 70s. Meaning your child will be dealing with your old age and death in their 20s probably.

Surrogacy is immoral and dreadful. Sperm donation isn't being a father.

Fostering? If you have a great deal to give, your wife is on board and you are very very special people.

There are women who would accept that situation especially if your finances are sufficient to support a child properly, sharing the cost of childcare etc.

But how would your wife feel about you building a family with another woman. I imagine she would be extremely hurt and it would probably end your marriage.

There is also the issue that agreeing to have a child with someone with whom you do not have a bond, could lead to a falling-out, she moves to the other end of the country and you are left estranged from your child. Not great for you or the child.

Then there is the stability and happiness of the poor child, growing up in such an arrangement. It would be hard to get that right.

Have you and your wife considered fostering or is this a desire for your own biological child ?

My wife and I have spoken, she's on board with this.
I would have to have some sort of bond with the mother, this certainly wouldn't be on a 1st come 1st served basis! I would have certain requirements too.
We already provide occasional respite care, and are both godparents to an 8yr old since birth, but, as you say, it doesn't make me a biological father.

Yes, we have spoken, she's on board.

Your poor wife.

And I'm sorry for you, too - wanting and regretting not having children can happen to anyone.

But this hypothetical child is a human being, a person who would be brought into a very difficult situation to satisfy an urge.

Surrogacy, a secret affair, bringing another woman into your relationship - these are all selfish things to contemplate.

At your age (and there's no such thing as a young fifty) the child would have an elder father with all that comes with that. My dad was twenty years older than my friends' dads, and mum, and it was noticeable especially past fifty.

Fostering might be possible - but if you don't have any experience with children the reality of caring for a child who may have been through awful experiences could be a huge strain on you all.

I think you need to come to terms with the fact that you are a couple without children, and find yourself something to do with your wife that doesn't involve almost certainly causing her anguish.

I agree with the age issues. I just may have too accept I've left it too late.
We had a consultation regarding a surrogate ( with my wife's eggs) many years ago, and then they told us the price, so that didn't happen.
Fostering isn't what I'm really looking for.

You talk as if it's you who wants a baby but you were considering paying a woman to gestate a baby with your wife's eggs so I assume she wanted to be a mother too? Yet now that's totally out of reach for her you're looking to have a baby with another woman? That seems extremely hurtful. And In your 50s when your sperm quality is vastly decreased and you may not even be around to see the child reach basic adult milestones?
Passing on your genetic material is not that important, and the time to explore being a parent for you was back when it was a safe and viable option with your wife. Sometimes we don't get what we want in life and that's ok. You aren't a parent, and you should accept that and move on IMO.

Your wife is on board for what?

are the two of you looking to adopt?

providing your genetic material doesn’t make you a dad. To be a dad you have to be there, every day. You have to make lunches and help with school work. You have to take your child to doctors appointments. You are there in the middle of the night because they had a bad dream or just because that is when they decided they wanted to talk. You have to dedicate your entire life to caring for and loving your child.

Watch "the man with 1,000 kids" on Netflix. Is that what you're looking for? Informal sperm donation? I agree that I think it will cause tension with your wife. I would be unhappy with my husband embarking on a second family (even more so if I hadn't been able to have children of my own).

I don't think you should have a child - you've left it too late and the scenario you envisage will create a huge number of problems and issues, not least for the poor child who will be stuck with a very odd family set up. Your opportunity was the previous surrogate arrangement and if you'd really wanted to make it happen, you would have done it then. It's horrendously expensive but people who really want children spend £s and £s to achieve that if they have fertility problems- they have a biological drive

I think you should really examine your reasons for wanting to do this - are you wanting to pass on money, genes, is it something else?
There's alternative ways you could help existing children in the world who are greatly disadvantaged - charitable giving, volunteering etc - that may give you the fulfilment you're after.

I can’t work out if you want to be a dad in the sense that you want a child in your home that you nurture and bring up or you want to be a biological dad and have your dna out there? Which one is it??

1/ would be adopting or fostering or being an honorary grandparent of some sort??

2/ sperm donation but seems you are past that point

Surely the intelligent people on Mumsnet are not believing this?.
I have read this story so many times ( various ways) but still the same on so many platforms.. . It's a scammer.. !!!! Wake up.

Oh really! What are they scanning from us?

Just a troll. I would love to investigate why they do it.

I will gladly talk to anyone who wishes to discuss this with me. On phone/in person. I can assure you, I am certainly no scammer.
Dm me, if you have concerns or need conformation.
I have been reading all the posts with great interest.

I’m sorry if you’re not a troll but at your age having biologically children will come with signifigant risk of disabilities. You’re too old to adopt a baby but you could potentially adopt an older child if you think you could be a fantastic parent. Adopted children will have issue and will need highly skilled parents.

Same sex couples need sperm to conceive. How about that situation? Ask local fertility clinic

Fertility clinics are unlikely to want 50 year old sperm TBH

You don’t sound very empathetic about the fact your wife cannot have children and not by choice…

Deal with life without children, you’re already too old. In your fifties and you’ve only just considered this? Weird.

You say your wife is on board with this, but is she really?

What would she get out of it?

Is she really happy with the idea of you going off to see your child with another woman, and you spending hundreds of pounds a month to support your child?

No.

Never mind the facts: that sperm quality, motility and number all decrease by your age, increasing the risk of miscarriage and birth defects.

You have left it too late.

Yep. Paternal age is also a higher risk for a child with congenital disabilities. How would you cope with raising a disabled child?

It would be, in my honest opinion, utterly ridiculous and irresponsible to chase after biological fatherhood at this stage in your life, and in the circumstances you’re in. Unfortunately the reality is that you’ve simply left it too late.
I don’t know very much about fostering at all or the criteria you would need to meet, but is that worth looking into?

@Confusiusdoesntsay, I agree with many of the posters that your age presents a problem. However, it's not insurmountable. Also, if you say your wife is 'on board' with this and wishes to assume a parental role herself of some kind, who am I to disagree with you? I would be very careful though, to make sure that what she says is actually what she wants/needs. If you haven't had counselling to help you make this decision, then please do seek it together.

FWIW, take some of the comments here with a pinch of salt. Mumsnet tends to skew very conservative in terms of family structures. There are likely to be queer female couples, or singletons out there who would be open to a donor who might want to share parental responsibility alongside your spouse who would also be involved. Kind of an 'it takes a village' mentality. Honestly, I think a lesbian or lesbian couple is your best bet.

If you and your wife could commit emotionally and legally to being present, stable, financially responsible parental influences to a child for the rest of your natural lives, you might find an opportunity. It would take time and a lot of patience and work getting to know the other biological parent and negotiate the setup (think along the lines of a year plus), but I've heard of families where this works and children are loved, supported, and happy. The more people who can love and guide a child consistently, the better, in my opinion.

Thank you for your in depth comments. Yes, it seems the common issue is my age.
I think I've begun to realise my own mortality, and my parents, grand parents, great grand parents etc, my whole family history, ends with me. Both my parents and myself are only children, I'm sure if I had brothers or sisters, It wouldn't be as concerning.
A lesbian couple could work well in my opinion, an idea that my wife and I have already discussed, however, most I have come across have been short in duration.
Where to go to explore that route further, I've no idea.
So I'll resign myself to the fact I've left it too late, or maybe I'll ask Al Pacino. Lol
Thanks everyone for your comments.