Anyone left feel guilty if labour/birth didn't go as they wanted?

[squigglywig]

Every now and then I still get this feeling of having messed it all up and feel horribly guilty. Does anyone else get this? Does it pass with time?

Looking back, I now realise that I was in shock over my last birth for about 3 months. But have come to terms with it now. Felt my body had failed me, but realise now that things dont always go smoothly.

I've heard lots of people say that and that eventually it does pass.

I planned a natural home birth and had to have an 'elective' CS. I felt awful and horribly guilty in the 3 week lead up to the birth and really beat myself up about it, felt so depressed. (Funnily though the CS was one of the most positive experiences and I would choose another one next time.)

I occassionally felt a bit sad that I couldnt have had the birth I planned and that lasted until 4 mths when my SIL had the most horrendus vaginal birth and will be scarred physically and emotionally for life

No such thoughts for me after that

Not guilty but furious with everyone else. Not sure that's healthier.

Not guilty but I certainly felt a failure after my cs first time around. Sorry to say, this feeling didn't really leave me completely until I'd had a vbac a couple of years later.

I had mentioned the fact that ds was HUGE and had engaged and disengaged 3 times by the time i went into hospital with pre-eclampsia at 38w, the mw dismissed me and convinced me that i could do a natural birth.

unfortunately i have the hips of a 12yo with low bone density and my 9lb2, massive headed son was born by crash cs anyway. i felt like i was less of a woman. women have been giving birth since the beginning of time and i couldnt do it, i felt like such a freak.

add to that the fact that i was the only woman i knew who had had a cs (with the exception of mil 30y ago) all the "too posh to push" 'jokes' and my failure to bf due to uterine infection and i felt guilty for about 2y (still do a bit, pretty sure i will never have a VB) now i suppose i feel more sad though, like there is a part of being a woman that i will never experience iykwim.

sorry for mammoth post

No - not guilty (after my first birth, which was forceps), but frustrated that things could have been so much better. I know I did all I could to get my baby out on my own, but my care was rubbish.

I dealt with my gremlins by choosing a homebirth with an independent midwife second and third time around (although third time around I transferred in during labour and had my baby in hospital).

Neither my second nor my third births were uncomplicated, but I came away from them feeling hugely satisfied with the way things had gone. It's amazing the difference really good care makes. It enables you to accept whatever happens at the birth.

Like Oranges - I also felt more angry than anything. I felt the experience had been stolen from me by ratbag consultants (still do actually). Now I'm pregnant again and I'm a bit more accepting - I hope to have a homebirth but if it all goes wrong, well sometimes things don't go the way you hope.

It took me 3 days from first painful contraction to 4cms dilated. At the end of the three days they induced. It then all went far too fast and DD was born without the midwife being in the room. I tore my cervix and ended up having a huge PPH.

I just feel like I failed and that my body didn't do what it was supposed to. I don't understand why I couldn't dilate on my own.

"I don't understand why I couldn't dilate on my own"

When I had my third I was 5cm on Monday morning. It took me until Wednesday afternoon to get to full dilatation.

Most of the labour I was at home with my midwife. I did have synto, like you, once I got into hospital to get me from 8cm to 10cm. Long slow labours are just the way some womens bodies work, or can be down to the position of the baby. I know of someone who's had 8 babies who has had 'labour dystocia' (ie long labours) with almost all of them. The fact that a sizable proportion of women labour in this way is the reason why patience and stamina are the two most important virtues a midwife can have!

It was really unlucky for you that the augmentation of your labour went so badly wrong. I hope your next labour goes much more smoothly - I'm sure it will.

I was also really angry but also felt that somehow I wasn't meant to be a mother.

I felt that years ago both DS and I would have died in the process and that this meant we weren't 'meant to be together'. This was particularly so becuase I didn't ever go into labour properly .

Still kind of feel that I'm not a proper mum and shoudln't have anymore because of that.

Riven that's so sad.

I had huge issues over my childrens births.
DD was born prematurely at 32 weeks, was very ill and as a consequence I didn't manage to breastfeed, I often felt guilty (and still do now sometimes just not to the same extent) at kicking up such a fuss at the hospital that they decided to do an exploratory operation and performed a CS at the same time. Many a time I had thought I should've just put up with the pains and left her in a bit longer, maybe then she wouldnt have been so poorly.

DS's birth was a different situation altogether, he was born at 39wks by ELCS, although I had no problems during pregnancy I did feel forced into the CS and wish I'd been more firm/done some research and not let the consultant push me into something I wasn't happy with. That pregnancy wasn't guilt but more the anger everyone has mentioned.

I had DS2 nearly two weeks ago, but spent the whole pregnancy having to make decisions on the birth, doing research into risks etc and ended up having an unwanted, but prepared for ELCS at 41weeks, knowing it was my decision and that no-one forced me into it had given me some closure, as has talking about it.

Birth trauma is very real, and very common but talking about it helps, as, IME, does making sure you are prepared for anything to happen if you give birth again.

i find it difficult to say that "i gave birth to ds" certainly, 3 years on, still feel that he was delivered instead. i went to sleep pg and woke up with a baby.

I feel very sad at how unprepared I was when I went into hospital to give birth. Despite being a researcher for a living I didnt actually look into any aspect of giving birth at all- I had a very rosy view that I'd go into hospital, be in lots of pain but come out of it happily at the end with a healthy baby. What actually happened was I ended up with a third degreer tear (which I'd never heard of happening, didnt even know what it was) and spending 3 hours in surgery being repaired. I didnt realise that once the pain of giving birth is over you can still be in pain with stitches, bruising etc. God how naieve I was and this makes me most sad of all. If I'd just read up a bit and looked into I sometimes think I could have avoided things going wrong. But I hadnt discovered mumsnet them! Do know how you feel squigglywig

"If I'd just read up a bit and looked into I sometimes think I could have avoided things going wrong"

daisym - I read loads during my first pregancy but it didn't help because I wasn't able to put the information in context. What I needed was someone to explain to me the reality of giving birth in a busy CLU. The books that I read (Sheila Kitzinger) had lots of pictures of women labouring in birth pools, or being held and massaged tenderly by midwives.

The reality was me sitting alone in a room with strip lighting, on an uncomfortable hospital bed, while a succession of disengaged midwives - none of who wanted to touch me except to do VE's - came in and out of the room.

Labour reduces you to a body without a brain - that's the way it has to be. You can't think, you can't reason, you become completely vulnerable and reliant on those people who are there to care for you. Even those women who go to hypnobirthing/yoga/active birth classes and do intense preparation for birth will often have problems if they end up giving birth in an unsympathetic environment with caregivers who are not able or willing to support them in achieving the birth they want.

I felt guilty about the birth of my son (now 22 months) up until I saw the consultant about my second birth (due July). I had c/s which was advised because of previous back surgery.

Ds was very very stuck with a huge head. He took 25 minutes to get out by which time anaesthetic had worn off so I had to have a general. I missed his first hour of life and he was horribly bruised for about a month after birth, literally black & blue all over head.

I blamed myself for taking advice and having c/s. I did labour up until 9cm before they got me into theatre and I just thought if I'd stuck it out a bit longer he would have had a wonderful natural birth.

However, consultant reading my notes put a totally different spin on it. He explained it looked like he was so stuck it wouldn't have been possible for me to push him out naturally and if I had tried it would have probably been a lot worse than the c/s. He also said the bruising probably occured before birth because he was stuck in my pelvis for 3/4 weeks. (I did tell everyone it didn't feel right at the time!).

Would it help if someone went through your notes with you? Hospitals do offer this service and I felt such a sense of relief after seeing the consultant I cried when I got home. Everyone says it doesn't matter as long as the baby & mother are safe and well but that doesn't always make you feel any better about the experience.

Thanks so much for all the replies. Whilst I wouldn't wish a horrible birth experience on anyone it does help to know that I'm not the only one who still feels bad about it later on.

Going through my notes might help. I think I want to know if it was me doing something wrong that meant I couldn't/didn't dilate on my own or if it was just how things were. Does anyone know if this is likely to happen again in subsequent labours?

Why did they induce you SW?
Some people can take days to dialte, as long as baby is ok you can tell them to wait for your body to do it.

I felt I'd failed with my first baby (em c-s under GA after 14 hours in labour). Agree with lissielou, I still don't say 'I gave birth to' dd1, more that 'she was born'. Best advice I can give is to go back to the hospital and go through your notes with someone there. I actually went through mine with a midwife who had not been involved with my care in any way, so she had no axe to grind. It was hugely helpful, not least because she pointed out that there was no reason that it should happen again (dd was facing the wrong way and her head was tipped back, IYKWIM, and got stuck).
It does get better with time, as you realise that there is so much else you can give your child that matters so much more than how you gave birth to them.

Hi VS

They induced because DD was getting distressed and they'd scanned her and said there wasn't enough fluid left. This was after 3 days of bloody awful contractions that were doing sod all. I asked if I could wait and they said "no, not really" because of how DD was doing.

Well, in that case they did the safest thing, which was to get baby out, it doesn't mean that your body couldn't have birthed by itself, just that it was safer not to wait given the risks.
I don't know what the chances are of it happening again, I'm sure someone will though.

Another angry one here. I agree completely with whomovedmychocolate - "the experience was stolen from me by ratbag consultants" - exactly. Except that I'm still suffering from the ratbag consultant doing an very large episiotomy without my consent, lying to me about it, and then leaving the junior muppet to balls up the repair. I like to think that if I'd not had long term problems with pain and sex that I'd feel a bit better about the birth, but to be honest, it would still have been very traumatic.

daisym - I did do all the research and ended up with a birth plan that would have worked out well for me - even with everything going as badly as it did - had the consultant actually paid any attention. As it was, he laughed at me, bullied me into everything that I didn't want, and well, you can see from the above what the results were. So it wasn't your fault, you just had really bad care.

I have exactly the same birth plan for this next DB (3 months pregnant at the mo) and am fighting really hard to try to make sure that it will actually be followed this time. I'm struggling a great deal with trust issues though.

I had a second stage transfer to hospital during a planned home water birth and ended up with an em cs after an extensive episiotomy and 3 failed ventouse attempts.

There is not a day, not even half a day that goes by without me feeling guilty. I planned immediate skin to skin contact, bfeeding asap, calm, quiet etc and instead dd was taken away instantly and brought back fully clothed later.

I can't stop asking 'why?' I think if I could understand what happened I'd be able to move on but compared to a textbook knowledge of what birth "should" be, I can't understand what happened. I had a 6hr second stage but no urge to push. I pushed with each contraction but my body never pushed on its own and dd did not move an inch in 6 hours. The consultant said something to me after the delivery that I play over and over again in my head. He said 'you may be comforted to know that your baby would never have been born vaginally.' Ironically, this is comforting as I know I couldn't have done more but I wish to God I'd asked him why. I know dd was stuck but why? Why didn't the urge to push materialise? What was stuck? Her head I presume, but how was it stuck? What went wrong? And on and on ad infinitum

Most importantly I think, is there something wrong with me? Am I not able to push a baby out? What will happen next time? Next time is a pipe dream though because I just can't get past the last time.

And I agree- the postnatal "care" makes it so much worse. Perhaps if I'd been looked after I would have dealt with it then in the immediate aftermath instead of having my feelings of guilt compounded by the bullying hcps.