Birth partner

[emma503]

Hi! I'm 30 weeks pregnant and still discussing my birth plan with my partner and he knows that I'd like my mum with us while I give birth but he's not overly confident with my mum being there. I just feel like my mum would be not better but more helpful during my birth as I've experienced my partner being very clueless when I'm in pain as to what to do. How do I explain nicely and less hurtful that I would like my mum to be a birthing partner as well as him? Thank you :)

Having a baby is one of the most vulnerable times for a woman, and so you really feel like you would need your mum there, especially as she’s been through labour and understands what you’re going through.

Maybe something like that?

Have abit more faith, and remember it's a big day for him too. He will be worried about you and baby and there's no textbook way of dealing with this and it's is a delicate conversation. Would your mum over power him or are you confident she would be respectful of his experience of his child being born aswell as your needs? Are there boundaries both ways you'll need to establish to ensure everyone is happy with their experience? Tbh I do get the fact he might not be keen on her being there, this is a child that you two made together and is an intensely personal experience and he may want that to stay just between the two of you.

@ReshyAmina @SlB09 Thank you both so much. Ive taken into account that he might want this experience just to stay between us because I completely get that, it's very personal. I've explained my reasonings to him in hopes he can understand, I've talked with my mum previously about it and she understands that she would not be taking over at any point or interfering, primarily just encouraging and comforting. I have also mentioned to my partner that if he is still uncomfortable then I will think more into it

Is there anything I particular he can put his finger on or just so eone else being there?

@SlB09 it's just that, he mentioned feeling as though this is a moment that I need to step away from my parents and towards him now and feeling like he wouldn't enjoy my mum watching him help me

Tricky decision.
I can see where he's coming from I think some men find it emasculating and like they're not good enough, and pushed out a bit. Equally understand why you'd want your mum there. It's good that you're taking his feelings into account and not letting it be entirely about you (even though it mostly is!) Good luck whatever you decide!

Additional note...have you looked at hypnobirthing together? They usually give advice for partners on how to help and support with breathing techniques etc. Might be worth having a chat with him about what you might need from him (ie: cold flannel, back rub etc.) and give him some 'jobs' like being in charge of a nice playlist etc. and making sure he knows your birth choices so he can confidently advocate for you. Then you might both feel more confident and comfortable about it. Just a suggestion! X

I beg to differ with Cookie. It's not mostly about you. It's entirely about you. Yes it's his baby too, but until that baby is here, it's you going through labour, and you who needs support.

And if you want the support of more than one person. Of an additional female presence in your room other than your midwife. Someone you know, love, and trust, and has given birth before, then that's what you should have. It's no slight on him. It's not that he's not enough. Your mother has value and experience that will help you get through this experience, this wild step into the unknown for both of you. She's not replacing him. She's adding.

It’s not about him in any shape and form. It’s all about OP and no one else (well, apart from baby). OP is the one going through labour and birth. His job is simply to support OP.

My daughter is due to give birth shortly and she has asked me to be a birth partner alongside her partner. This isn’t something I had myself so I was delighted to be able to have the opportunity to support but also very mindful that it was maybe not something my SIL would necessarily want. I have had a discussion with him to reassure that I will in no way take over or anything like that , will just be an extra pair of hands for them both etc etc and he has assured me that he is happy for me to be there.
My daughter is of the opinion though that it is her giving birth and she can decide who is there to support and I do agree with that but just wanted to have that conversation with my SIL anyway and my daughter was happy for me to do so. I love them both very much and want to do my best for them.
Best wishes to you OP.

Doesn't matter. She's the one giving birth, he doesn't get to decide.

Perhaps you could have an understanding that your mum would step out as you start pushing/immediately as baby is born, so you and your DH have the immediate new baby time together? I am very much of the opinion that birth is the mother's medical event and therefore all decisions should solely be for her benefit, but I'm also aware that some mothers do take over - mine would have been the worst!

Christ. Have you forgotten it takes 2 to make a baby?

This is tricky. Depends very much on the personalities of all involved

If you were in labour longer than predicted and someone had to go out to get more snacks/put money on the car, etc, would you send your mum or your partner?

If the answer is your partner, then I can see why he wouldn't want your mum there

Nope. However only one of those two can gestate and birth said baby. And therefore during said birth it's only that person's wants and needs that ultimately should be considered. It's right he should be there to support his partner and to welcome his child. But why should his feelings that he should be the only one there be of more import than hers when she also wants her mother present?

FWIW, I did have my mother present for my first. She and my DH aren't particularly friendly, but during labour they put their issues aside and united to support me. As it happens, I barely noticed or acknowledged either of their existences. I'm still glad they were both there though.

You need to have a proper plan for all scenarios.

For example - are you definitely allowed 2 support people where you're giving birth? At mine we were only allowed 1. If for whatever reason you need a c section - you definitely will only be allowed 1. Who would you choose? Assuming partner, are your mum and partner clear on that? It's not unheard of that something happens, pregnant woman being urgently wheeled into theatre and partner and mum are fighting over who goes with, even if agreed beforehand it's partner, because mum is freaking out seeing daughter and baby at risk then being kicked out. That's one reason why my trust only allows one partner since obviously an EMCS isn't exactly uncommon. If you're being wheeled for EMCS and you're asked who, in the moment you reply you want your mum - you may have to deal with your partner never forgiving you.

Pros to both - they can trade off for resting so you always have someone awake and with you and someone can go to bathroom/snacks/rest if takes a while. And God forbid if something did happen one can be designated to stay with you and one designated to stay with baby.

Making a baby is the easy part. Carrying the baby for 9 months, going through all the physical and hormonal changes and giving birth is done by only one person. And therefore, she needs to be given whatever support she needs to get through it. If she needs her mum, then her partner needs to put his ego aside and prioritise her wishes.

I adore my mum and thought I would want her there. Covid times meant I was only allowed one partner and thank goodness she wasn’t as with hindsight it probably would have been a power struggle between mum and husband. Any chance your husband will feel pushed out will be not great as it will colour his initial experience of fatherhood and you really want him to feel half of your partnership. Your mum actually is a very clear third place in this situation, it just took me a while to see this