TW - details of traumatic birth
I am seeking advice on how best to support my DD (and her DH) following a traumatic birth experience.
My daughter gave birth to her first baby a few days ago. She had a planned induction over 2 days. Virtually everything that could go wrong did go wrong. Among other things the epidural failed to work and she was dismissed and shouted at by the midwife when she repeatedly said this. It culminated with a failed attempt to deliver the baby via forceps, followed by a terrifying emergency caesarian during which staff appeared to be panicking and she lost a lot of blood. Staff worked on the blue and silent baby for nearly 30 minutes before the baby was taken to the NICU.
Fortunately both my DD and the baby appear to be ok physically and have now been discharged home. My DD has bonded well with the baby and has established breastfeeding without difficulty.
However, she is traumatised by the birth. She is a successful, very capable, very happily married professional woman in her mid 30s but she cannot stop crying when she talks or thinks about the birth - the constant changes of staff; the apparent failure to handover key information; the failure to listen to her or believe what she was saying; the unkind and uncaring behaviour or some staff; being forced to give consent to an episiotomy and the failed forceps attempt when she had explicitly said in her birth plan that she wanted a caesarian these circumstances; the failure to reassure her that she was ok during the caesarian during which she was very cold and shivering uncontrollably ; the failure to tell her or her DH what was happening as staff worked on the baby (who my DD and her DH assumed was dead). I could go in to a lot more detail but those are the key points.
My DD is not someone who makes a fuss and I am shocked beyond belief at her account of the birth and how she was treated by some staff and the effect it has had on her. She cannot stop thinking about it in obsessive detail. It almost feels as though she (and her poor DH who thought both his wife and the baby were going to die) are suffering from from PTSD if that does not sound too OTT.
My question is what will help them best to recover from this experience? Staff came to see them the day after the birth and said mistakes had been made and apologised for some of what happened. She has been offered the opportunity to talk through her experience with the hospital. Will that help? Would it help to make a formal complaint? Do I encourage her to talk to me about it or will repeatedly talking about what happened make it more difficult for her to put it all behind her and focus on her beautiful baby? And what about my SIL (with whom I have an excellent relationship)?
I should be so grateful for any advice as I feel out of my depth and worried I could inadvertently make things worse.