TW: Traumatic birth - how to support mother

[Motherinamess]

TW - details of traumatic birth

I am seeking advice on how best to support my DD (and her DH) following a traumatic birth experience.

My daughter gave birth to her first baby a few days ago. She had a planned induction over 2 days. Virtually everything that could go wrong did go wrong. Among other things the epidural failed to work and she was dismissed and shouted at by the midwife when she repeatedly said this. It culminated with a failed attempt to deliver the baby via forceps, followed by a terrifying emergency caesarian during which staff appeared to be panicking and she lost a lot of blood. Staff worked on the blue and silent baby for nearly 30 minutes before the baby was taken to the NICU.

Fortunately both my DD and the baby appear to be ok physically and have now been discharged home. My DD has bonded well with the baby and has established breastfeeding without difficulty.
However, she is traumatised by the birth. She is a successful, very capable, very happily married professional woman in her mid 30s but she cannot stop crying when she talks or thinks about the birth - the constant changes of staff; the apparent failure to handover key information; the failure to listen to her or believe what she was saying; the unkind and uncaring behaviour or some staff; being forced to give consent to an episiotomy and the failed forceps attempt when she had explicitly said in her birth plan that she wanted a caesarian these circumstances; the failure to reassure her that she was ok during the caesarian during which she was very cold and shivering uncontrollably ; the failure to tell her or her DH what was happening as staff worked on the baby (who my DD and her DH assumed was dead). I could go in to a lot more detail but those are the key points.

My DD is not someone who makes a fuss and I am shocked beyond belief at her account of the birth and how she was treated by some staff and the effect it has had on her. She cannot stop thinking about it in obsessive detail. It almost feels as though she (and her poor DH who thought both his wife and the baby were going to die) are suffering from from PTSD if that does not sound too OTT.

My question is what will help them best to recover from this experience? Staff came to see them the day after the birth and said mistakes had been made and apologised for some of what happened. She has been offered the opportunity to talk through her experience with the hospital. Will that help? Would it help to make a formal complaint? Do I encourage her to talk to me about it or will repeatedly talking about what happened make it more difficult for her to put it all behind her and focus on her beautiful baby? And what about my SIL (with whom I have an excellent relationship)?

I should be so grateful for any advice as I feel out of my depth and worried I could inadvertently make things worse.

Absolutely birth reflections service.
And talk to her gp. Early days but she may need some extra support for the first few months with antidepressants for example.

I would advise her to make a complaint to PALS and access the trust birth reflections service.

Just be there and don’t minimise it. She’s still in shock. So for now, supporting her to eat, rest, feel safe. Counselling in due course, privately if you can afford it. I’m so sorry she had such a horrifying time.

I would look at making a formal complaint through the hospitals complaint team (I found pals utterly useless). I’d also look at suing, without it costing them money the hospital won’t make any changes and just give her a pat on the back and these things happen, she will also have funds for therapy and physio/surgery if any physical damage was caused.

so much empathy for your daughter, I was left with a permanent disability thanks to the NHS

Unfortunately it’s all too common, and they mention trauma after the birth but nothing actively gets done about it. In my position I could have just really done with more help with self care and time for myself.

I had a very traumatic second birth and my GP organised a long appointment with her to go through all my notes. Once I did go through it all, I felt much better in terms of how things were handled. She didn't dismiss my anxiety, but put things into context.

I had a sort of similar birth with my first baby two months ago...two day induction, my epidural did work but I had to have an episiotomy and suction delivery as baby's heart rate was dipping (I would also have preferred a c section but the suction was quicker to get baby out) and also lost a lot of blood. I have since used the birth reflections service at the hospital and found it really good. One of the consultants who was on duty the night I have birth and was present when my labour started going arseways went through the whole thing with me and gave me info on what could be done to prevent such severe blood loss if I were to get pregnant again.

One thing I really would have loved in the first week or two, as a posted mentioned above, is some self care and "me" time. I felt so horrendous from the blood loss and birth in general (stitches etc) that trying to care for a new baby on top of it all was almost too much. My husband was great but I remember lying on my bed crying and just wishing I could have a few hours to myself without having to worry about the baby. (She had jaundice to had to be fed every 2/3 hours and it was very stressful). I also really needed to be taken care of and mothered a bit but my mum is dead and husbands can't really mother. I also had to be a mother which was a difficult adjustment at first.

I wasn't really able to physically leave the house alone for the first 10 days but definitely encourage some self care time for her to rest and recover. If she is willing to go out for an hour for a coffee or something without the baby it might help to reset and rest her brain.

Firstly. Congratulations to your daughter. It's sounds whole traumatic. Lots of empathy as I also had a traumatic birth. 4th degree tear into my uterus and a huge PPH. Required emergency surgery and then ended up on the ICU where they wouldn't let DH due to Covid after he saw his wife nearly die. Not great.

My advice would be right now. Mother the mother. Look after her. Provide for her. Allow her time to rest. And recovery. Feed her. Comfort her. Take as much of the kid as you can. My DH did all of this (as at the time it was illegal to see my mum!!) and it was super important.

The tears will be 1) the shock of having a baby 2) the shock of having a baby in those circumstances 3) the hormones. Expected another crash around day 3 and day 10.

In time when she feels ready insist on a birth reflections. I did it and it was hugely helpful to help me realise exactly what happened and why and make peace with it.

Also I was left with a prolapse after birth and cos of covid again the aftercare was shit. If after 8-10 weeks she feels not right (although was baby delivered section?) insist on seeing a womens physio. Do not allow her to be dismissed.

For now. Food. Comfort and congratulations

Thank you to everyone who has taken the trouble to respond. I really appreciate it. I am so sorry to hear of others' bad experiences.

I will do my best to mother my DD and her DH and it sounds as though talking it through with the hospital in due course will be helpful.

Thank you.

PALS and ask for patient notes. And GP.

My post should say load not kid!!

Please make sure she also talks to her health visitor. I didnt have a traumatic labour but my baby was taken very ill shortly after birth and spent two weeks in NICU. As well as the birth reflections services, my HV was able to get me access to the perinatal team / talking therapies and a special baby group for mums that needed a bit of extra support. I declined antidepressants but in hindsight I should have accepted them. I cried every time i talked about her birth for about 8months but it did get better. Before I went back to work, I practised what I was going to say in the mirror, which helped me hold it together. People will understand. I hope she is being kind to herself and wishing her and baby a good recovery 💐

PTSD sounds like an entirely possible outcome from that experience. There is dedicated treatment for birth trauma ptsd - it’s a specialist area.

i would suggest contacting relevant charities and specialist mental health groups. Long term support might be needed.

also definitely complain is she’s up to it.

if she’s up for it - also get potential ptsd noted by her GP - but you’ll almost certainly need to go private if she needs proper therapy and treatment.

for now I’d suggest trying not to minimise the trauma but also not over emphasise it and take your lead from her. But make it clear
its not something she just have to soldier on after.

sounds awful for her xx

I had a birth 'debrief' at the hospital which I found pointless but appreciate others may get something out of it.

I eventually had EMDR after I realised that I played out my labour on a sort of film reel, at least two or three times a day (sometimes more), every day for over ten years.

Just sit and let her talk if she wants to and just be a listening ear. I just wanted someone to listen to me and acknowledge what a shit time I’d had, I didn’t want advice or to be told it would be ok if I just got on with it. Just let her know you are there if she’s not ready to talk.

Eventually if your DD needs it, look into talking therapy. I had a combination of EMDR and CBT and it really helped.

Thank you all so much for your kind and thoughtful replies, especially as so many of you have also had horrible experiences. I really appreciate it and your helpful advice.

Okay, I know this is going to sound nuts, but encourage them to try to snatch some moments to play tetris. The very effective psychologist I saw for EMDR for PTSD really highly rated the research showing that playing tetris soon after a traumatic event made it less likely for PTSD to develop.

Above all I think right now, don't try to make it all better, tempting as it is. It was a horrible experience. You can't turn the clock back.

Some elements like forceps rather than c section - she might understand better with a debrief, there isn't always an alternative.

The trauma is worse because of all the hormones and upheaval, she might find time just resolves it for her. My first birth wasn't quite that bad but I was so right wound from it, then after a month or so I just let go of the tension. She should know where to go for help if that doesn't happen.

This organisation is very good

https://www.birthtraumaassociation.org/

But for now agree re caring for the mother. In time, I'd recommend counselling. I asked for a full copy of my medical notes from the hospital in case I wanted to pursue legal action.

In hindsight I would have benefitted from anti-depressants too.

Don’t be dismissive and suggest she’s making a fuss.

I found birth reflections quite therapeutic, but ultimately a waste of time. She can do that if she wants.

If they thought the baby was dead for half an hour I can’t really imagine anything more traumatic. I would be surprised if she doesn’t have PTSD. She’ll probably need therapy in due course. Pay privately if she can.

Unfortunately as she’s had forceps she’ll likely be left with pelvic floor issues and has a very long physical recovery ahead. She should see a women’s health physio asap (again go private if you can).

After my horrible birth it would have been really nice to have someone cook for me, get some food in or do some of the housework, so do that if you can.

Sounds horrendous but unfortunately not that uncommon

Your daughter is very lucky that you are supporting her

I had a terribly traumatic birth with my son, where, due to medical errors, I nearly bled to death. The pain of labor (I was mis-dosed on the induction drugs and given far too much) was unlike anything I had ever encountered. My last memory before I passed out (and then my heart stopped) was seeing my blood spray out and coat the labor room walls. I also believed that my baby was dead. My poor husband thought he had lost us both.
In the month or so after the birth, if you had asked me, I would have told you that I would never recover from this. Physically, I was a wreck (and needed multiple surgeries afterwards) and emotionally I was destroyed. I suffered PTSD, would wake screaming every night, I was shattered. Whenever I saw blood (so, each time I went to the bathroom to change my sanitary towel), I would black out. I couldn't stop crying. I felt like a shadow of the confident, professional woman I had been previously.
The good news is that I did recover - completely - it just took time. Meeting with my midwife to talk through exactly what had happened really helped. (My midwife didn't deliver me - I ended up delivering at a different hospital entirely, another story there). I had felt that somehow I was faulty, that everyone else could manage labor but not me, but she told me exactly what had gone wrong, what medical mistakes had been made, and why. She also reassured me that what had happened had been extremely serious and wrong.
I saw a psychiatrist and was prescribed a PTSD medication, which did help. What helped most was time - somehow, it faded the memories. Now, I can remember in theory, but can't really remember what the pain was like or what the fear was like. Time is a healer in more powerful ways that I ever expected.
Because of what happened, I wasn't able to have another child, something I will always regret. But I did recover.
Just love your daughter, listen to her - I wanted to go over and over exactly what had happened - and trust that time will heal.

Thank you again to everyone who has taken the time to respond, including sharing your own stories. I am a bit overwhelmed if I'm honest that you have all been so kind and helpful. And I am so very sorry to hear about some of the terrible births you have experienced.

My daughter's own midwife (who she had seen throughout her pregnancy) came to see her at home yesterday and spent ages talking in detail about what happened. (She wasn't involved in the birth as it didn't take place in the midwife-led unit.) My DD found this very helpful and was so grateful for the kindness she showed, especially compared to the uncaring behaviour of some of the medical professionals, including one particular midwife, during the birth. She is going to ask for her medical records and for the birth reflections the hospital has offered.

The advice about future therapy options and the possible needs for physical therapy is very helpful, and I will do my very best to be there for my DD and her DH now and in the future.

I have also suggested Tetris to them. A very interesting idea.

Thank you all xx

Congratulations on becoming a grandma/granny/nana.

I'm so sorry to hear what an awful experience your daughter had giving birth. This sadly seems to be a lot more normal now.

I too had the most horrendous first birth with my daughter. In labour for days, couldn't sleep and couldn't keep anything down, so was completed exhausted. Junior doctor on shift, on his own, when I was 10cm, he knew I was struggling to get my 'back to back' baby out, didn't ask for any help or back up, decided to send me down to theatre for forceps delivery, at the same time he sent someone else down for the same. I was left shivering in a freezing cold theatre, and he was nowhere to be seen. My baby's heart rate started dropping. The alarm was going off, everyone panicking. Baby heart rate was played out on loud speaker, for all to hear. It was terrifying. Eventually he came in, was busy fussing over paperwork, before he finally delivered her. In the process he sliced open my bladder, but wasn't sure, so just stitched me back up, then it became apparent he had sliced it open. I was then left with no food or drink, for another 12 hours, having CT scans and generally just waiting around, until they finally operated on me again to repair the damage. I had a catheter for 6 weeks. Was kept in hospital for nearly a week, and loads more awful things happened to me there.

Anyway, I remember how low I was after the first few days. I had a mega dip in my mood and was really upset and emotional. I was frightened etc, but after about 2 weeks and when I was at home, I started to feel better. Now, exactly 5 years later, I don't even think about it. I didn't need counselling, talking to other people helped. I did complain to the hospital, which helped too, as they wrote back to me with a response to all of my complaints, and apologised. I didn't want a birth debrief, as didn't want to see the people that had ruined my birth experience. I didn't feel it would help. I did also get legal advice, and it was confirmed that my baby would've been born by forceps delivery, had the doctor not been so cocky and asked for help and not left me until it was almost too late.

I hope your daughter is ok. It's so normal for low mood after the first few days. Hopefully after a couple of weeks she'll be feeling much more positive, once things settle down.

Just be there to help if she wants. I didn't want anyone to take my baby and give me a break. I just wanted her with me all the time. Maybe because of what had happened. Maybe because I don't have my mum anymore - maybe I would've let her take her. Just see how your daughter is. Offer but don't force.

Good luck to you all and enjoy the precious new bundle.

I think you sound a wonderful mother. I'm very sorry for what your DD and her DH have been through during the birth of their child. All the more traumatic and frightening for the unkind uncaring attitudes they experienced. How upsetting.

In terms of making a complaint (when they feel ready), I would look at the local branch of Maternity Voices Partnership. They are like PALS, but specific to maternity services. I sent a complaint via MVP when pregnant and it was passed straight to the matron in charge of midwifery, who called me the next day. Hopefully they could be as helpful for your DD.