Stressed about childcare for birth (long whine)

[deliwoman1]

I’ll preface this by saying I know I’m ungrateful and very lucky to have (free) family support, but…

I’m a bit overwhelmed by the prospect. My mum and then in-laws are visiting back-to-back for more than two weeks over Christmas and new year, primarily to cover our childcare needs should I go into labour (due 28th). They live very far away so staying is really the only option. My mum can’t afford a hotel or anything. She will sleep in DD’s room. I feel guilty that my in-laws have had to book an Airbnb. One of them has a sleep disorder which means they can’t stay in DDs room, and our house genuinely is too tiny with a new baby and Christmas tree etc to put them up elsewhere. But they’ve booked a place with nowhere to make a cup of tea or food and no TV so they’ll be spending most of the time at ours.

I’m dreading it tbh. I’m a private person especially when I’m ill or in pain and I know I’ll need my space. My mum is less of an issue, but we have a complicated relationship (a lot of love, but also a lot of tension due to past trauma). My in laws are lovely but my MIL is a bit like a bull in a china shop! Her kind and well-intentioned help almost always makes more work. They also aren’t great at taking the initiative and interacting with DD while we’re about (my mum is way better at this and ironically because she’s always right I can leave her to get on with DD and help at home no problem! 😂). In-laws are mostly on their phones/reading etc., so we’ll have to prompt them. I just know I’ll be tired and crabby and I’m worried I’ll be a bit snappy if I feel like they’re not actually being useful. They won’t mean it at all, btw. They’re just neurodivergent and not used to toddlers.

I know how spoiled I sound but really I’m actually worried about being ungrateful and showing my true rotten colours! It was two weeks before they visited after DDs birth (DP put his foot down) and even that was too soon for me post c-sec, but MIL insisted.

Mostly though I’m worried my anxiety over having company could slow my labour. I’ve never done it before (ELCS for breech with DD), and I’m really scared of being overwhelmed at home and stressed with nowhere else to go.

Idk what to do about this, or how to handle it. We genuinely need the help so I know I have to accept, and it would upset them greatly to cancel even if we could afford to pay for cover. Friends DD knows well aren’t going to be about during this period. Just looking for tips on how to navigate it, really. Any ideas? Even DP is a bit stumped.

Sorry for such a long post. I needed to whine. 😞

If you need your inlaws then I'm afraid you'll just have to put up with the annoyances

Do you need all three of them?

I mean; this sounds like my idea of hell, and I’m not sure I’d go into labour. If you hate the idea, it’ll likely stop you, too. You won’t be able to get serotonin and endorphins flowing while dreading giving birth… So you’ll either wait for them to be gone, or need to go to hospital for induction.

Childcare issues are close to my mind at all times at the moment, as we have a toddler and won’t have any family support when I’m due. It’s likely DH will need to be with DS, so I’ll have to give birth alone. Not knowing when it’ll happen or how long it’ll take makes it challenging to ask friends…

A close friend of mine had her mum take her toddler for three days this week, and that seemed to relax her enough to go into labour, but before that it was frustratingly stop-start and she’s sure that was because her mum was hanging around, well meaning but in her space, and so she couldn’t get into the right state of mind.

I think you really need to consider if there are other options, beyond a house full of people and a lot of stress. Could just your mum come?

If not; and this is how you want it, I think you just need to work on accepting this as your choice and trying to make peace with it. You’re going to have to forgive their annoyances and try to stay calm for it to work.

This is why I had a homebirth, family so far away they'd need to camp with us. I could not deal with that in late pregnancy/post birth as much as I love them.

I'd prefer to give birth alone and DP stay with DC than have a house full/constant guests for 2 weeks. But that's just me!

^^ Me too

Thanks all.

My DP is like human Xanax for me, so I’d likely do just as badly without him there. 😔Otherwise I would’ve asked him to watch DD, albeit sadly as I know he really wants to be there for me and the birth.

Mum can’t stay as she works and can only get this much leave at this time. Her job is not flexible with annual leave at all. Anyway, the longer she stays the trickier it gets between us. She leaves the day the in-laws arrive so it won’t be all three of them at once, thankfully.

I do think I have to suck it up. I am actually considering another planned c-section because of this issue, which seems like a stupid reason to commit to major surgery… 😞

Why do you need to prompt the in-laws? Surely the only childcare you actually need is when you're not there. If they want to be in their phones while they're waiting for you to go into labour, that's fine. Definitely be grateful that you have all this support.

You've basically written down all of my worries op as I'm in a very similar boat, so following with interest.

Last time, we had long back to back visits from parents and in-laws 3-5 weeks after the birth, and I found it incredibly stressful after a traumatic, complicated birth and lengthy hospital stay afterwards. My relationships with my mum and in-laws are very similar to yours.

I'm having a planned c section this time, making it much easier to predict, but I'm still terrified of going into labour early. We have no family in the area, no friends (nearest is a 45 minute drive away) and I'm expected to labour very, very quickly if it does happen naturally. (First labour was less than 2 hours, start to finish). My MIL is coming to stay for a few days before and a few days after the c section to help out. I am dreading it, but we will really need it as we have no other options. I'm naturally very private, but tbh I will just have to suck it up.

Our 'semi' plan is to have a home birth in the early labour scenario. I'd sooner do that than try to get to hospital 1 hour's drive away and give birth alone while my husband cares for our 1 year old at home.

The prospect fills me with dread. As does the idea of having MIL to stay for a week straight, lovely as she is.

I really hope you find a way of dealing with your situation, practically and emotionally. I understand how tough it is so following with interest to see if anyone else has other ideas I hadn't considered!

What nonsense are you talking about? If I'm in the early stages of labour, and trying to relax enough for that to continue to the point where the hospital will have me in, of course I'll want them to help me, just a little, with entertaining my very active, very tantrum-prone two year old. Stupid comment.

Can you throw money at it? So rent an AirBnB with all mod cons for the whole time and have your in-laws and mum swap half way through? You don't need to explain this in detail either if you can manage it. Just say something like 'I've decided this arrangement is best, thank you so much for your help' etc.

If you can't afford that you may have to suck it up unforch.

🤣🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

majority of people in early labour carry on as normal if at home!
When you’ve got other children, relaxing is usually not possible!

Oh I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation too, @rosemarycait96. It is tricky, and I'm sure it doesn't help that your first birth and recovery were traumatic. Nobody likes to feel ungrateful, but I get it. I'm a very private person too.

I think a homebirth sounds like a good plan B for you if an early labour takes you by surprise. As a VBAC candidate it's not really recommended for me and I'd probably be too nervous as a first timer! With the c-sec, if you're showing so signs of labour in the run up, could you reschedule your MIL to come only a day before, or even the day of?

Still scratching my head over it, tbh. I was hoping that during early labour I could swap with in-laws and stay in their hotel or airbnb while they have DD in our house, but they've gone and picked a loft bedroom in a place where a family actually live full-time, so nope! 😞So we are considering getting me a room in a bloody Travelodge if I really need the space and privacy. Not exactly homey, but it's honestly more important to me not to be surrounded/distracted/worried about others during that time. I can go there alone and alert DP to come pick me up when I think I need to head into hospital. The hotel is on the way, thankfully.

It's really the impact on labour that I'm most worried about. I can definitely suck it up during recovery, though obviously I'd rather not have any stress when I'm just getting to know and feed DS. I think my in-laws will be more hands on with DD post-birth though. A c-section is a good way to ensure this because I genuinely won't be able to lift DD! For a vaginal birth MIL might be less sympathetic! 😂

Yet another stupid post.

I'm not talking about carrying on as normal. That, I can do. Easy. It won't be normal for me, because I'll have adults who stress me the fuck out in my house.

Thanks. In-laws already booked an Airbnb, but there are no facilities so they'll be at ours for everything but sleep. Mum will have left by the time they arrive. Thinking about throwing some cash at a hotel room for me though!

Obviously you’re talking about relaxing 🤣 well that doesn’t happen because life continues 🤣 there’s no way you should even expect that with a child already!

Thanks for your input.

Yes, I meant a new different Airbnb with kitchen etc instead of the one they've booked.

Ah sorry, yes. I understand. Thanks, I'll mention this to DP.

I think it'll rub in-laws up the wrong way though, and as my mum is on her own, I doubt she'd actually agree to decamp there. Basically if I did it, they'd hold it against me forever.

How far away do they live that they have to stay for 2 weeks? Why can’t you just call them when you go into labour and they come over?
that’s what we did with my mum and dad and they were 3 hours away! It’s not usually that fast a process…

They're not both staying for two weeks - a week each, back-to-back.

In laws are six hours drive away by car. They're part-retired so they can come at short notice, but I reckon it'd take them about 8-9 hours to pack and arrange care for their animals (they have livestock) and then get here. At least one of them will come if I go into labour early.

Mum is about five hours by train (she doesn't drive), but she works and her job is super inflexible so it's trickier. We would've had her for a few days over Christmas regardless so she could spend time with DD, just not this long! She's now offered to work from our house for a week before she's due to come, and even though it's so sweet of her and could really help if I pop early, I think I'll just be too overwhelmed and I should decline.

Wow, what an unnecessarily rude response. Can't imagine why you don't get on with your mum or in-laws!

Okay, feel free not to continue reading the thread. 🤷🏽‍♀️

You have absolutely no idea about my relationship with either my mother or my in-laws and to suggest that I don’t have a right to be irked by stupid, unhelpful comments, and to express that annoyance, is ridiculous. I should note that poster was the only one who was here just to laugh and poke at me during a vulnerable time. I’ll add you to that lovely list now too.