Lonely young mum

[ells2002x]

Hello, I am 21 (22 this year). I recently moved into my boyfriend’s home (he is 20, nearly 21) and we have a 4 month old, nearly 5 month old son. I feel so lonely as I left everything back home for a better future for our baby and for us as a family. I love our little family but my boyfriend is so lucky, he has friends and knows people here as it’s where he grew up. He can go to work, live a normal life, see friends etc. I am the mum so I am always looking after the baby, I see my family once a month usually and yeah - it just gets depressing and lonely. Of course I’m not going to stop my boyfriend from having fun - if he wants to go out with friends, he can but I just get so lonely whenever he does. I have nobody. I lost friends when I had a baby and I didn’t really have anyone genuine either. I try not to be “woe is me”, tonight was really hard as my baby wasn’t settling for ages and was fighting sleep. I was crying whilst struggling, and my boyfriend is on a night out. Luckily, his brother is lovely and helped me out with the baby when I asked - he’s nice like that. We live with my boyfriend’s family and I love them, but I never realised how different they were from my own family until I moved in. I don’t know, I just hate times like this whenever it happens. I suck it up because what else can I do, I just get so frustrated. I have talked about my feelings but people always take it differently than what I am trying to say. Nobody here knows me for me. Just as somebody’s girlfriend and somebody’s mother, not as ME. I have a friend starting university here in September but it’s not like I’ll see much of her as she’ll make new friends and be out with them, and she’ll be studying a lot. I don’t know, I just am sat here watching The Karate Kid (the first film, with Ralph Macchio) and wishing I could kick some ass like they do in this movie.

Could you have a look for some local baby groups?
I was your age when I had my first (I was a single mum) I joined my local church playgroup & made some nice mum friends to chat too whilst there - okay it was only for 3 hours a week but that broke my week up and then gave me confidence to join some other little groups with the baby.

When baby was 18 months I went a did an evening college course & made loads of friends from that - we used to meet up one evening a month & the mums / dads with kids during the week made a play date day weekly.

Thank you, I did find one in the village but everyone there was way older than me and I found it hard to connect because of that but there is probably different in ones in the city. So I will try some others and have a look, thank you so much :)

You could put up a post on social media - down here we have Spotted Torquay and there is frequently posts asking for baby groups and/or for new people that have moved to the area looking for friends.

Yes there is the odd plonker that thinks it's funny and makes inappropriate comments but the majority of replies come from other mums happy to meet with their child/children for coffee / at the toy library / for baby swim, several of them have not lived here forever or their friends have moved away for x y z reason. Yes some of the mums will be much older than you, some will be older than you and a few will be your age-ish.
It's worth a try ?
Spotted Torquay is anon which is nice, it means you are not ' outing yourself ' if you are a bit on the shy side it means you can just reply to the replies usually by personal message.
Good luck.

I'm 23, I have a 3.5yo and a 17mo. Please feel free to reach out to me if you ever need a chat, I may not be close in distance but I'm always up to chat :) x

If you’re looking to meet mums the same age try the Peanut app, it’s like tinder for mums and you could try talking to some mums your own age. I had my first at 25 and I always felt like the youngest one there. I don’t care now though I’ll happily be friends with a 40 year old.

It must be really hard for you being the default parent. I joined a dance class in my area that ran Thursdays 7-8 and my hubby would look after the baby whilst I went, it just felt like some regular “me time” since he was going to football on a Friday night. If you need a night out get one booked in for the month ahead and tell your boyfriend that’s when you’ll be going out. Also it’s not fair if he goes out every weekend and leaves you to look after the baby because he’s hungover. Now he’s a dad he’s got to grow up too and cut down on the night outs.

It’s hard when in laws are so different, i know the feeling. Is there any way you could save up to get your own place? Also, there’s no shame in moving back home. If you want the baby to have a happy life the number 1 thing you can do is give them a happy mother. So if you’d have more help, be less stressed and be happy at your parents house then just be honest with boyfriend and say you are struggling with loneliness and need to move back home. It doesn’t mean you have to break up. Living seperate might help your relationship until you can save up and build your own family just the two of you.

You shouldn’t always be looking after the baby, your boyfriend is a parent too. Find an exercise class or a hobby class and leave the baby with him for a few hours so you can feel like yourself and not just someone’s girlfriend or mum. Start thinking about work and how you guys are going to split childcare etc. nothing wrong with him going out but you need to have your own things as well.

I was a lot older than you when I had my first and I was a SAHM, it’s the hardest thing I had done (we had moved so nowhere near family etc and very isolating). The thing that got me through was that my husband was a fully engaged parent and made sure I got my own time as well. I would have snapped otherwise.