Labour alone

[MKWarrier]

I’ve posted before about issues finding childcare for when I go into labour. We have now got to the point where we have a lot of the day times covered by various people, so if I go into labour during the day hopefully it won’t be an issue. However, there are a couple of days when DD’s nursery won’t have space for her (she’s term time only so we are reliant on them having availability during the holiday) and due to work / childcare commitments of their own, none of our other options are available. Our options overnight, depending on timing, will also be limited.

The only option we can see if I go into labour at these times is for DH to stay home with DD, meaning I would have to labour alone and he would miss the birth. I am quite upset about this possibility, as my main memories from my first (very positive) labour are of how supportive DH was, and I feel I would really miss that this time round. I think part of the reason the birth went so well is that I felt in control, and I don’t think this will be the case if I’m alone. I also think being there at the birth really helped DH with bonding with DD and I wouldn’t want him to miss that. Finally, I feel like if things went wrong, or I needed someone to advocate for me for any reason, I would find that very difficult without him there.

DH has suggested we could bring DD to the hospital with us and he could be with her in the corridors / main reception area of the hospital, but clearly if it’s the middle of the night it’s not going to work and as we don’t know how long it will be, I don’t really want her forced to hang around a hospital all day (she’s 2.5). Plus, DH still wouldn’t be with me anyway.

Has anyone had experience of very reluctantly giving birth alone? How did you find it? I am currently 37+4 so what seemed like quite a theoretical situation not so long ago has suddenly hit home and seems much more real. All the uncertainty is causing quite a lot of anxiety - I would feel a lot better if I knew what was coming and could plan for it!

Can you find a nanny?

They might be open to being flexible.

Where are you? Perhaps people will have links or suggestions for you.

You won't be alone ,or don't you think midwives count as people?

What about a next door neighbour?

@eddiemairswife Yes, I’m aware midwives count as people, but last time DH and I were on our own in the room for the vast majority of the time. The midwives would pop in to check every so often but it wasn’t really until the last bit that they were there more consistently. I had no problem with this at all, and wouldn’t expect them to be around any more if this time even if I was on my own - they’ll have other women they need to be attending too as well as me.

Hiring a nanny isn’t really an option as DD wouldn’t be comfortable with someone she doesn’t know, and as we have a lot of the day times covered already, I’m not sure a nanny would want to commit to what is quite a limited and anti social set of hours where they may not be needed at all. We could pay them a retainer to be on call overnight but given we are looking at a window of potentially 5 weeks this could be quite expensive.

We have only recently moved, so don’t know our neighbours unfortunately.

Home birth?

I have considered a home birth off and on throughout the pregnancy but DH really isn’t keen. I know it’s me giving birth, but it’s his baby too and he’s worried about what would happen if anything went wrong, which is fair. Traffic around us can be a real nightmare and we’re about half an hour away from the hospital as it is, so he’s worried about how long it would take to transfer me / baby to hospital urgently if need be. Plus ultimately we would still end up in the same situation if I had to be transferred too, as no one to watch DD in that scenario.

Could you consider a home birth? I had both mine at home. With my second child, my son (3 at the time), was playing/watching TV in the lounge whilst I gave birth in another room.

My husband floated between us both. My son seemed to instinctively know to behave himself 😂

You are far from alone with this issue, speak to the hospital and explain your situation, what they can often do is allocate a student midwife to you in addition so you are left alone for very long

You could hire a doula.

Came here to say home birth as well. Look at the stats particularly the birth place study which shows it is actually safer for second time mums to have babies at home. If it's something you are considering then at least speak to the home birth team with your husband to discuss his concerns.

Hmmm I might speak to DH about the home birth option again when he gets home. He’s pretty set against it, but might at least be willing to have a phone call with the home birth team about it (I spoke to them earlier in my pregnancy but he wasn’t on the call).

If we were going to change our mind on this we would need to do so pretty quickly though. But I still don’t think I will be able to convince him.

Tbh I wouldn't like my older child to be without a grownup (not dh) at a home birth.
I had my first child at home.
If you transfer to hospital you will want a grown up to take care of your older child and dh to go with you.

I would ask other parents at nursery if they can help. We would be happy to.

Many many women had to labour and give birth alone, not by choice, during covid. I was one of them. Yes it sucked at the time. Very sad for the partners who didn't get to be there too. But at the end of the day, if a healthy baby and mother come out that's the main thing, so I would concentrate on being as safe as possible, knowing that the medical staff are highly trained and competent, and know that a couple of years later you'll have so many other memories of your child that the birth won't matter so much.
Good luck.

I’d try and find a nanny or childminder. A good one would be able to engage and entertain a little one that they don’t know very well

I became a single parent when pregnant with DC3, and my only family support needed to look after DC1&2, so I hired a doula. She was a newly qualified one, so only charged £500, and had the two weeks prior and post my birth booked out for me only, so she was guaranteed to make the birth.

She was the most wonderful support. Definitely worth checking local sites for a doula near you.

You could ask the teachers at the nursery whether they could look after your DD (with payment of course). Your DD already knows them and you can be confident they have passed background checks etc. Otherwise, look for a registered childminder in your area who could do that on short notice.