Doula question - one for the partners (well, mainly. lady answers welcome too!)

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One of my friends is having a baby soon, her first, and is keen on having a doula. Her husband is less sure though, a bit worried about being replaced as her emotional support.

I thought maybe getting some feedback from the boys might be helpful for him...

LOL my dp is keen on the idea of us having a doula for precisely this reason - he WANTS to be replaced as my emotional support

seriously I think if the couple are used to relying on one another emotionally and the dh is wanting to be there for her at the birth for this reason, then the doula is not going to butt in between them

she can be very much in the background and just step in where necessary for both of them - they will have a chance to discuss all this when they hire her and can tell her they don't want him to be pushed out at all

my dp however can sit serenely smiling at me and doing nothing at all, which is what he wants to do

Replying as somebody who has had a doula and is now a doula - doulas are flexible and respond to the individual situation, so will come forward if needed and step back if not. If I ever came between a woman and her partner I would have failed.

Most of the time it is just the presence of the doula that can make a difference by creating a safe, nurturing atmosphere. At lots of birth I go to the women gives a big sigh when I arrive and says 'I'm so glad you're here' and then carries on being supported by her partner while I sit in the corner looking peaceful and calm!

On other occasions the partner can feel a bit overwhelmed and busies himself with other things while I rub her back/breathe with her etc etc. Doulas are there for the dads too because they can get forgotten about and often need someone to care about them too. One of my clients hired me mainly to look after her husband so she didn't need to worry about him or how he was feeling when she was in labour!

Also bear in mind that things don't always go smoothly and a doula can be especially helpful in those situations - I've sat with a dad whilst his wife was rushed into theatre and he said afterwards how glad he was that I was there.

At my last birth my doula showed my dh where to put pressure on my back and took over when he needed a break, but really he was the most important person in the room to me.

One last thing - don't let her leave it too late to book someone, we often get booked months and months in advance!

one lady specifically wanted me to be there to rub her back as her DH had a muscular issue and could not rub her back as much as she needed in labour !

also, if labour is long, it means the DH can go for a break and a rest without feeling he is abandoning his wife.

and for some women however much support a man gives, the support from someone who has been there and done it is very important

doulas are not their to replace partners ( unless that is what the mother wants! ) but to enhance the support he can give

and yes, book in advance !

i had a doula for my first birth too (i was at home) and i know that my dh would say catergorically that it was the best pre-birth decision we made! I had a long drawn out labour, lots of waiting around with not much happening and of course the mw just popped in and out occasionally so there wasn't much to reassure us when of course we were anxious and increasingly tired. Our wonderful doula really kept in the background but was able to reassure us that everything was normal and was just so encouraging. I had a birthing pool and she just came into the room every now and then but hung out in the next room a lot of the time but when she was with me I think my dh really watched how she dealt with me and copied her, which was great! Also when he was exhausted having not slept for 24 hours she came and sat with me on my own and he had a sleep just for an hour but it made all the difference to him to feel slightly more life like when it came to supporting me thru the pushing srage.
But she really let him be my first support and i remember afterwards her telling dh how wonderful he had been with me, and i think that meant a lot to him.
cannot recommend it highly enough anyway, and yes get her to book asap! all the best

thanks everyone. I'm not sure if she has contacted anyone yet, but think if she is still looking it is pretty late (she is due middle of May ) so if anyone knows of a doula in the Oxford area who might be free then.... ...

my doula covered the east mids but i know she went to scotland for one lady! Not sure how that worked but oxford is closer..
her website is www.birthwisdom.co.uk
and she knows lots of other doulas all over anyway.

A good doula would support both mum and dad. She would hopefully prevent the mum from worrying about the dad. She would help him remember which questions to ask. also... there's point in labour that dads look at their partners and think "This amount of pain can't be right" and the doula can reassure him that all is as it should be.

It's not about taking his place but protecting this intimate time.

Doula UK She could find a doula here (or if she emails me her details I'll pop them on the doula forum)

thanks Marslady, how can she get in touch with you?

mars at mammydoula dot co dot uk

www.mammydoula.co.uk

cheers MarsLady!
I think I'll email this thread to her so she can see all your fabulous replies for herself. Thanks again