Opinions about best time for mother-in-law to visit?

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Hello, I'm curious to hear when others think would be a good time for this visit. When is most helpful? What are your thoughts about having family stay just before the birth and after?

My mother-in-law lives on a different continent so would be staying with us for about 6 weeks - not a short stay!

She is really, really keen to come for the baby's birth, I'm worried she might be offended if we don't agree this, but I'm not also sure if this is the best time for me / for my partner and I as a family unit.

I'm mindful that the baby might arrive several days after the due date, so in which case she would be around in the run up when I have started maternity leave.

She is a caring and helpful person but I wonder if my partner and I need some space to adjust?
Not sure how I will feel after giving birth (apart from tired and with pain...). And that before birth I might want some 'me' space?

Some have said that it's more helpful to have family support when the baby is a couple of months and needs more entertaining.

This is our first baby.

Thank you!

If she can stay somewhere else locally, id say an earlier visit would be more acceptable. If she has to stay with you, id delay until baby is at least a month old. No way id want anyone staying whilst I’m waiting for the birth. And I’m not precious at all about visits post birth - but having someone stay is a different matter

I told my mum and MIL not to book flights until the baby was born. I didnt want them hanging round waiting and expecting me to entertain them. This meant that they didnt arrive until the baby was a week or two old and breastfeeding was established and I was more mobile after my c-section. DH was also going back to work after paternity leave so they were more useful at that point.

6 weeks..
Omg...

I have a MIL on another continent and both times she came at around the 6-8 week mark which was nice.

DH was back to work so it was nice to have a second pair of hands.

It totally depends on your relationship with her.

I would have had my step mum before birth and right through as she is amazing and would have genuinely helped look
after me/looked after house/help with baby.

My mum and mil no chance. If she isn’t likely to really help wait till you’ve found you feet. My mum was round when the mid wife called for the first time and I had to phone DH to remove her from the house 🙈

I’d say a month or so after the baby comes.
If you’re planning on breastfeeding you’ll hopefully have gotten to grips with it by then, none of mine were ever in any kind of routine at a month so it was all just about going with the flow.
I wasn’t precious about no visitors, came home from the hospital with dc1 and we had the whole family come round that evening, well, about 25 of them anyway. And the same with the next 2, it was actually lovely!
But I wouldn’t have wanted anyone staying, I don’t mind overnight guests for a few days but anything more than that and it’s a bit inconvenient and I can’t just slob about in bed all morning at the weekends etc - you’ll want a bit of flexibility.
Is she the kind of mil who would be helpful?

Depends on if your MIL expects to be treated like a guest or if she will genuinely be helpful. I didn’t feel properly up to entertaining people until 6w post C-section, earlier for my two vaginal births. Breastfeeding settled and got easier from about 3-4 weeks.

6 weeks would have been horrendous no matter who it was or how helpful they are.

As someone who went overdue I would have really struggled having someone around all the time before the birth! DH had 2 weeks paternity leave and another person then would have been overkill! Around 6/7 weeks was when I was most sleep deprived. I'd aim for her arriving about 3 weeks after my due date.

Practically speaking, the sooner she comes after the birth, the more time you're likely to spend all together in the house (you'll be physically recovering, you'll all be exhausted and adjusting to your new lives, so while you'll probably want to pop out for some air each day, you're not likely to be going out for full day trips/activities). Depending on how close or relaxed your relationship is with her already, that will probably either sound totally fine or like hell.

If she comes a bit later, once you've got your feet under you, you'll be able to get out a bit more and do more interesting things together, which might be helpful if you don't already have a nice, close, relaxed relationship. I would say when the baby's about a month old would be good timing in this instance - then she gets to still meet the little one when they're very little and newborn-y, while also being around long enough to see some more fun "firsts" (smiles, rolls maybe).

3 months old.

I love my mum but she isn't practical. She gets flustered and panicked and has health anxiety especially about children. She also lives a long haul flight away. She comes for long visits, 1-2 months at a time.

She came to visit when my dc1 was a week old and I didn't enjoy it. She was unhelpful and stressed me out when I was struggling to recover. She hovered over me when I was trying to look after dc1, commenting and worrying. Meanwhile I was basically (temporarily) disabled from a traumatic EMCS. I was secretly longing for the visit to end.

At her own suggestion she came to visit when my dc2 was 3 months old this time and it was so much better. I was much more recovered, so I was much more relaxed and happy and the baby was more robust by then so less to get flustered about.

Honestly just go with your instinct. Everyone here has different experiences and views and it may depend on what kind of birth you have.

My experience was that we needed all the help we could get affer a traumatic emergency c section.

I was in a right state the first few weeks. Post partum contractions and bleeding meant I was in bed or on the sofa snuggling baby and didn't want or need anything but pain relief, drinks and food from my husband. I'd say a hands on house guest will be useful any time from when husband goes back to work so can do some more taking care of you and the housework, enabling you to care for baby. If there's any hint MIL will want waiting on and your husband won't put a stop to it, then delay for about 3 months as the fourth trimester is all about your recovery and bonding with baby.

My MIL arrived from abroad when DD1 was 5 weeks old for a fortnight. She never even made me so much as a cup of tea and kept asking why DD1 "hadn't settled". I was struggling to BF a baby with silent reflux who never slept. It was hell. I can still remember exactly the phone call to my own mum in tears by day 10. I learnt the hard way, no houseguests when babies are new unless they are prepared to make your life easier by cooking, doing housework, taking the screaming baby while you shower, etc.

To give a different experience. Every family is different and how you navigate these relationships depends on your in laws and your partner. My in laws are great.

My MIL came for nearly 10 weeks. She helped me breastfeed. She told me that all the cluster feeding was normal. She was a relentless cheerleader. Kept telling me that I was doing a great job even when I was hanging on by a thread. I overheard her telling her friends how good I was at breastfeeding and how I had taken to parenthood. I was a hot mess and hormonal. I had 100% not taken to parenthood with ease. She did everything in the house while I basically lay in bed and fed. Did she irritate me sometimes? Of course. But she was amazing and still is in lots of ways. (And we lived in a tiny 2 bed flat). She saw it as her ‘duty’ to be at my service when I was post partum. The house was spotlessly clean, all the laundry was done and there was fresh hot food twice a day. Did she have the occasional batshit idea? Yes. She still does. But she saved DH and my sanity in those early days.

Even my FIL was amazing. He’s an early riser. Every morning at 5 am I would feed DS1 and hand him over to FIL and he would burp him and hold him (and chat to him) while DH and I got an extra hour of sleep.

MIL and FIL eventually moved in with us in 2019 and during the pandemic were incredible as well. FIL died recently and it was DH and my enormous privilege to look after him in his last days and hours. I give you this fuller picture because there is usually shock and horror about in laws and the post partum period and expectations. Only you know what your in laws are like. When I disagree with them I let DH handle it. But I remember how much they did for us with both kids in those early days with gratitude.

I loved having my mum around when DD was born. She wasn't super helpful but I'd get DD to sleep and then pass her to my mum and go and have a nap myself. She'd nap very happily on my mum for a couple of hours and my mum was happy to sit there and cuddle and read her book.