How to overcome traumatic birth - forceps, birth injury, MROP

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Hi

I will try and keep this as short as possible. But I am currently struggling to cope with how my birth experience went (gave birth 2 months ago) and I am also suffering with extreme guilt over what happened.

Long story short, I was set to be induced on the Friday morning. However, on the Thursday morning, my waters broke. I went to the maternity assessment unit who decided to admit me due to gestational diabetes. They also said this was premature rupture of membranes as I wasn't having contractions or any pains.

I spent 8 hours in the MAU waiting to be admitted, all while leaking amniotic fluid. They struggled to put a cannula in me, trying 15+ times and by the time I got a bed on a ward (postnatal ward as only bed available anywhere) I was sore and tired and also soaking wet. I remember thinking, I've not even hardly started and I'm already sore and fed up.

I get up to the ward Thursday evening and I am told I will be transferred to delivery suite as soon as a bed becomes free. I wait and wait and midwives keep telling me it will be any minute now but I don't actually get transferred up to delivery until Friday night. By this point, there is a bit of panic over how long my waters had been broken for and how it was an infection risk now. I also began contracting on my own by Friday afternoon (irregularly) and by the time I arrived on delivery, I am already 4cm dilated.

They start me on the hormone drip and contractions start coming fast. I actually remember thinking to myself how with gas and air it was all surprisingly bearable up until this point. They then ask me if I want to try more pain relief after a few hrs on just gas and air and I said yes...not realising that they have given me morphine, I spend the next 4 hours not even lucid. My head was completely on another planet. When I sort of gained consciousness, I was so freaked out, I had no clue where the time had gone and what had happened to me.

I then get told that baby needs to be encouraged to rotate into a better position. I'm not entirely sure what they meant by this but I was told to lie on my side with a bouncy ball between my legs. I guess this totally went against what my body wanted to do naturally because then previously bearable contractions were suddenly excruciatingly painful. I was practically begging to be put out of my misery. This then prompted the midwifes to offer me an epidural. I didn't want an epidural but I was so delirious with pain and wasn't able to communicate this. In the end, they allowed my husband to consent to the epidural on my behalf as I had indicated that I wanted the pain to stop. I sort of half remember sitting up for the epidural but I don't remember it happening nor do I remember if I actually got any relief. I don't honestly think I knew what was happening.

I really regretted the epidural. I remember when I started pushing, I couldn't really feel the contractions. I couldn't even feel that there was anything to push out. So I was just pushing almost randomly if I felt any slight twinge of pain or pressure. I feel such guilt over this. I feel like if I had communicated to the midwives that I couldn't feel them properly then they could have guided me better and perhaps my son would have been born without Forceps. I don't know why it didn't occur to me to say anything. Maybe I didn't have the presence of mind to realise that they could have watched the monitor and told me when to push. Anyway, I'm prepped for forceps after 1 hour of pushing and in 2 pulls my son is out. With a big cephalohematoma on his head from the trauma. 2 months later, he still had this bump on his head and I think it's all my fault. Official reason for forceps was "abnormal CTG, and suspected fetal distress".

After all this, my placenta fails to detach and I'm wheeled to theatre for a manual removal. The epidural did not seem to extend to my vagina and so I felt the torture of the Forceps being inserted. I also felt pain when the doctor began the manual removal of my placenta.The theatre staff did not seem to believe me when I said I could feel the doctor doing the manual removal of my placenta, and after some persuasion and a good amount of time already spent scraping out my stuck placenta (it was removed piecemeal as was very well adhered to my uterus), I am eventually given a spinal. I also had a postpartum haemorrhage (lost 1.5L) and so was very nauseous and faint throughout.

If all of that wasn't hard enough, my son was separated from me the night he was born as the midwives said I was over exhausted. I was put in my own private room (don't know why, guess it was just what was available?) and my hours old baby taken from me. I was too tired to even fight the midwives on this. But I'll never forgive myself for letting them take him. He was returned the next morning. The birth also had a huge effect on breastfeeding as I physically was not able to pick up my baby and put him to my breast (several cannulas in arm, very bruised and swollen arms and hands). My son also developed an infection and a lot of emphasis was placed in bottle feeding him formula so we knew exactly how much he was eating and how often. I tried pumping but the PPH and operation I guess had a big effect on my milk supply and I had very little to give. My failure to breastfeed is another massive source of guilt for me. I was clueless how to hold my son with all the cannulas (he also had cannulas) and was in so much pain I could barely lift him up. And we he became sick with infection, my priorities shifted from struggling to breastfeed to making sure he was getting fed enough. I also told many different members of staff that I was wanted to breastfeed and was never offered any assistance.

There are other bits and pieces that have contributed to trauma (e.g having my second degree tear stitched up, then unstitched for the manual removal of placenta, then restitched, which has left me with some problems) but I feel but it's too much to get into.

I am not sure what response I expect really, I suppose I thought getting some of my experience out there might help me in some way. Does anyone have any tips to get past this? I tried a birth debrief but it didn't tell me anything I didn't already know from reading my maternity notes and I found it useless.

Thanks for reading

Hi OP, I’m sorry you had such a rough time. I had my baby just over a week ago and had a very similar experience, I’m not sure if it may be an option for you but I know it was at my hospital- it may be worth seeing if you can speak directly with the doctor/anaesthetist/midwives etc involved in your care. I was really quite out of it on all of the different pain relief & then also had epidural, last minute concerns for baby leading to an urgent forceps delivery and I really had very little memory of what had actually happened, when & why. Before I was discharged I was given the opportunity to speak to all of the people who were involved in my care directly to understand exactly what had happened and the reasoning behind it & they also said if after some time had passed I felt I needed to have those conversations again then I was more than welcome to get in touch and they would see me again- might that be an option for you? They also mentioned counselling being available if I felt I would benefit from that and offered to set that up for me, I declined so I’m not sure what the process for that would have been but that may also be an option for you?

I would say though just try to give yourself some grace. Your body has been through so much & postpartum is a whole other journey of it’s own, it’s totally normal to feel ALL of the emotions x

Thanks so much for your reply @Mrsttcno1 , I hope you and your little one are getting on well. Like you said it's hard to get past something you don't remember due to being on various meds and just generally your brain doesn't want to cling onto painful experiences, making it harder to recall facts. I requested a proper debrief after my son's birth and was told that I had a slim chance if getting a proper one as they are inundated with requests so my "debrief" was just with a random doctor who was just reading the highlights of my birth experience from my labour notes. Wasn't very insightful as they couldn't give me proper answers to my questions as they weren't there. They also told me that my experiences were pretty "standard" for a first baby which I felt trivialised my feelings. I have reached out to my GP who are putting in a mental health referral so hopefully I hear back soon. X

My goodness, I'm so sorry OP. That sounds absolutely horrific. I really hope that you and your son are recovering well.

I'm afraid I can't remember exactly what it was called, but my sister went to a 'birth reflections' session (after a fairly useless debrief) with the midwives directly involved in her care - I think she went through PALS to get it.

In the future it might be worth getting some counselling or support for PTSD. I'm so sorry you were treated like this.

I had a similar experience. I couldn’t talk about the birth without crying for 6 months and when I had my second child a lot of the trauma resurfaced. I had such guilt about the first night and breast feeding. I felt a failure. This was 8 years ago for me. It’s a cliche but time heals. You will feel better about it. Caring for your child will over take and you’ll realised that your love and care is the most important thing. I really beat myself up about it all but looking back I regret giving myself a hard time. Visiting the GP is a good idea. Try some baby groups as it nice to talk to other mums who totally understand how you feel. I got lots of comfort from this.

Your experience sounds quite similar to mine. I'm so sorry this was your birth story. I had a debrief which to be honest helped a little but doesn't changed the experience of that makes sense. Time does heal but it was still traumatic. I had failed forceps and category 1 emergency section. My son also had cephaloheamatoma which didn't go and eventually calcified. He's almost two now and whilst it was very noticeable for a long time, you can't notice it very much anymore. I hope this will be the case for your baby too.

Please speak to your health visitor or GP for reassurance or emotional support. Do you have a good support system around you?

Thank you @JKRJHBKJK I will have a look into birth reflections! I feel like if only 1 or 2 things went wrong maybe I could accept that but everything went wrong. I felt totally out of control and helpless. I also feel like I placed a lot of trust into medical staff that ultimately let me down.

On a brighter note, I am currently cuddling my baby as I type this and I'm forever thankful he didn't suffer any major injuries x

Thank you @dancingdiva12 , I'm sorry you had a similar experience, thank you for giving me hope that it will get less painful with time. I keep thinking of myself going into hospital excited and nervous to meet my baby and coming out a week later a completely broken person.

Thank you @acupofteamakeseverythingbetter I'm sorry that was your experience too. My son's cephalohematoma has also calcified and HV doesn't think it will go away. It's eating away at me the thought that maybe I could have done something to prevent it, like pushed harder, refused the epidural etc😞

My husband has been great but I can see he's frustrated going over and over the details since I am unable to remember.

I'm sorry you went through this OP. I had similar (forceps, tear etc) But on a positive, I remember when I had my epidural, my midwife said your body will just know when to push, even though you can't feel anything. So that's one thing maybe to let go of 🙂. It's so easy to say, but the main thing is you and baby are safe and sound. But definitely look into the birth debrief session. I had one and it did help.

I'm sorry to hear that this was your experience of birth. I don't think it's normal, and I'm sorry that the doctor minimised your feelings.

I'm also sorry the debrief didn't help. It should really be with the midwives who were there, so they can explain to you what happened, fill in the missing time.

Can your h help with this?

But please please don't feel guilty. None of this was your fault. And your parenting journey starts now: you will have so many decisions to make about ds about how you bring him up, naps, weaning, sleep, play, etc., and what matters is how you parent him, not how he came into the world.

You might benefit from counselling, though.

I felt so guilty about it too for such a long time. Had I have known how horrendous the forceps would be I would have refused but I didn't know and at the time I was also so drugged up that I couldn't make informed decisions. I would agree with previous posters about finding a group of mum friends at baby classes if you can. Sadly a large number of women have traumatic births but at least they will understand and more than likely talk through it as they may feel the same way.

I made a promise to myself that if I had another child, I would not put them through the torture of forceps knowing how awfully it hurt my son. I'm actually pregnant now, due in June and will be having a planned c section.

Try not to be so hard on yourself about the whole experience, you did your absolute best with the situation you were given

You poor thing. I had some similarities in my birth experience and I found it so upsetting and traumatic. I definitely recommend speaking to your GP and health visitor and requesting a copy of your notes for a debrief to get to the bottom of why things happened in this series of events. I found the Birth Trauma Association helpful too.
The only thing that helped for me is the passage time, and as you said, that gratitude that my child is okay. It honestly felt like I went in to hospital to have a baby and I came out feeling like I'd been in some terrible accident.
My child was injured during forceps which affected breastfeeding. Have a look into breastfeeding grief, learning about this helped me accept things. My son is seven now and is really healthy, regardless of the fact that he was bottle fed.
Over the years I've met others who've had births like this and I've went on to have a second child by c section. I occasionally get triggered when I hear of perfect births or great breastfeeding journeys but ive mainly moved beyond these difficult feelings now. I'm sure things will improve for you too with a bit of support.
More practically, I do recommend asking for a women's physio appointment to check everything is okay in a few months. Wish you and your baby all the best.

I just saw your last post about husband and just wanted to add that my husband was actually very traumatised by the whole thing too :( he still finds it really hard to talk about.

Congratulations! Wishing you all the best and hope everything goes well. Funnily enough I had said to my husband that our next baby will be a planned c section because I am not risking a repeat of that experience. X

You poor thing OP. Has your GP referred you to the perinatal mental health team, or just the general primary care therapy service? It sounds like you'd really benefit from some sessions of trauma- focused therapy with a professional who understands birth trauma. You've got unwarranted guilt that needs to be let go and the right sort of therapy could help a lot. You're entitled to feel really upset about this and to take as long as you need to come to terms with it. Hugs to you

I’m so sorry you’ve been through all of that. Some of it I can relate to and it really is such a trauma to try to recover from.
Please don’t blame yourself. If it’s any consolation, I ended up not being able to have any pain relief due to the speed in which things had to happen, but I still don’t think I’d have been in a good state of mind to really choose properly what I would have wanted. It’s such a blur even without pain relief, so I can’t imagine how strange it must have been on morphine.
I really recommend you push to properly talk the birth through with someone professional. My midwife talked to me about the birth once I was on the ward (another midwife had taken my baby for a few hours, so I understand your feelings on that part), and it helped me to understand why decisions had been made which helped me start to process it.
Please also get your stitches etc checked out again to ensure they are properly healing. It shocked me how long it took for mine to heal and I ended up needing antibiotics for an infection.
Forceps are horrid, but if you manage to talk to someone it really may help you understand why they were necessary.
I have to admit that my birth was similar in many ways to yours, but in some things it was less traumatic, and it’s still put me off having another baby over a year later.
I did have good support from my community midwives and HV’s in the early weeks and was able to see the mental health team a few times.
Advocate for yourself and really push to get answers about the birth and also be checked that you are healing properly.

I also had a dire birth experience that both me and my child barely survived: partly bad luck, partly poor practice by an individual midwife and partly systemic /underfunding in the hospital I gave birth in. I have found the Birth Trauma Association helpful, there are lots of women who've been through the same. And it is trauma, you are experiencing the aftermath of a traumatic event, be kind to yourself.
However, whilst I still carry some physical and emotional scars, my daughter - who was whisked away to NICU at birth and spent her first 3 weeks in hospital - is a perfectly happy and thriving little girl and such a joy. Your son will be absolutely fine.

I'm a few years in but recently I've found my anger at the chronic underfunding and frankly appalling treatment that women in this country are subjected to in childbirth and post-natally, there are quite a few commentators writing about this at the moment - there was a really good item by Hannah Barnes in The Times this week. Catherine Roy is really good on twitter too.

I'm so sorry op, your story is nearly identical to my first labour 8 years ago! I had prom and by the time I got to the hospital 24 hours later I was some how 8cms with no pain relief. I pushed for 2 or 3 hours and then some male doctor came charging in and instead of checking babies position, he whacked a hormonal drip in and then everything went out of control! Baby got distressed and heart rate dropped with every contraction(at this point they were every 2 mins due to the drip) they realised her head was stuck and there was no time for an epidural, so they used forceps with just gas and air. I felt every bit of it and then lost a litre of blood. Spent 1 hour getting stitched and baby had been taken off to special care for 2 hours to be checked over as wouldn't stop screaming. Breastfeeding was a nightmare with not much support, I ended up combi feeding for 3 months but felt guilty. I would ask for a birth reflections meeting and also speak to your midwife to be referred for some counselling. My next baby I had a planned elective c section and it was the best thing ever!!

https://www.birthtraumaassociation.org.

If you want to talk with the presence of someone who is there to listen, not to judge, not to justify any actions, not to tell you that the only thing that matters is that you and baby are alive.... I would be happy to listen.

You may find local support through your midwife, there is a process using neurolinguistic programming techniques that some hypnobirthing coaches and doulas use called 3 step rewind, which can also be helpful or you may find the support of a psychologist, experienced in trauma support helpful.

OP I'm so sorry for your incredibly tough time and so happy that you have your ds safely home.

I think it's brilliant that you're here looking for support and I would hope that your GP & post natal services can help too.

I had minimal difficulties next to yours but I still felt traumatized afterwards and for a long time.

All the best to you and little one.

I'm so sorry you had such a hard experience. I also struggled to come to terms with things after the birth of my daughter, we had a planned home birth that ended with baby getting stuck. It's taken a while and a lot of talking about, but eventually I realised there really wasn't much more that I could have done. I really did do everything right with the information I had at the time, had very strong contractions and pushing and still ended up needing forceps to turn baby and tore badly. I'm a huge control freak and it's taken me a good while to realise that I actually had minimal control over how the birth went.

As another has said the epidural also won't stop the natural pushing, from what I've read your uterus does the bulk of the work to push baby out so don't think that by giving yourself some respite was in any way to blame for the end outcome.

Be kind to yourself, you were in one of the most vulnerable positions you'll ever be in and you did the best you could have at the time.

Hope you're doing ok OP.
X

I'm so sorry you had a traumatic birth. It's not ok and don't listen to anyone who tells you it is.

I had a traumatic emcs almost 3 years ago and was diagnosed with PTSD. Ultimately what helped me the most was 6 months of trauma counselling on the NHS - you might have to push for this but something like this should be available through the perinatal mental health team or else the general mental health service (usually you can jump the queue if you're perinatal).

The second most helpful thing was following The Birth Trauma Mama on Instagram - sounds silly but it put into words so many of the things I was feeling and made me feel so much less alone. She has a podcast too but I've only listened to a couple of episodes.

Be careful with birth debriefs, they have the potential to be retraumatising (I wish I'd never tried). Not to say you shouldn't do it, but proceed with caution and have a plan for what to do if you feel too overwhelmed.

Sending love and support.

sorry you had such a traumatic birth 💐. I was referred to our hospitals birth reflections service - which was a midwife/counsellor who went over the birth notes but also counselled me for around 3 months. Turns out I had ptsd. The counselling made all the difference. I felt like me again afterwards. I think the part that makes traumatic births harder is that everyone I met asked how was the birth too. 💐

hi, I had a traumatic birth many years ago, which meant I spent the first 48 hours in intensive care in a different hospital from my baby. When I was back with my baby, I was chatting to the midwife and asked if she had had a good night shift. Not really, she replied, the baby in the room next door died. That completely changed my attitude, and I focused on the fact that I had a healthy baby, rather than all the trauma.