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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

Hubby at birth?

28 replies

MacMac123 · 01/04/2008 21:19

I know this might sound wierd, but I am really not sure I want my partner at the birth of our first child. I just want to be able to get on with it in private, and I think he'll get in the way.
I haven't broached this with him yet, he'll be really surprised. any thoughts anyone?! Does anyone feel the same way or am I mad?!

OP posts:

LaidbackinEngland · 01/04/2008 21:20

Not mad....but it is (I assume) his child too and he might REALLY want to be there to support you.

aGalChangedHerName · 01/04/2008 21:21

I had my dh at ds1's birth and tbh he was pretty useless. I had to kinda look after him/worry if he was ok iykwim?

He had to look after ds1 while i had ds2,fab birth on my own with fab MW.

Had dd1 and dd2 with 2 good friends as birth partners. Fab births. What about asking a good friend/your mum/sister to be there too as support for you and maybe him too?

ScarletA · 01/04/2008 21:23

Talk to him about it. A lot of men would secretly like NOT to have to be there. I know my dp wasn't keen but I made him. Told him under NO circumstances, however, was he allowed to go down to the business end.

StarlightMcKenzie · 01/04/2008 21:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

fingerwoman · 01/04/2008 21:24

I am quite a "do things by myself on my own" kind of a person, and before ds1 I also worried about what it'd be like with dp there.

I am so glad that I did have him there though, the way I felt about it all did change when I was in labour, I felt quite helpless for a lot of it and it was lovely having him there to answer for me and to hold onto.

Original poster

MacMac123 · 01/04/2008 21:25

Goodness people reply so quickly - it is my first time on Mumsnet and I didn't realise there would be other people on it at the same time!
I have thought about asking my mum, but I kind of feel I don't want her there either. You know how on nature programmes you see mammals go off and give birth by themselves - that is how I am feeling (and I know that sounds wierd its just the only analogy I can think of).

He does want to be there to support me, yes....

OP posts:

Lubyloo · 01/04/2008 21:26

I felt the same - mainly because my husband is very squeamish and doesn't cope with all things medical. I really needed to know that I could just focus on myself and not worry about him. He said that he could manage and I didn't insist that he didn't come (as thought it would upset him it) but after we'd been at hospital a couple of hours he started complaing that he had a dodgy tummy and felt sick and he called my mum! I ended up with an emergency c-section but DH declined to come down to theatre and mum came instead!

Original poster

MacMac123 · 01/04/2008 21:28

Yes - fingerwoman - you are right. I think when labour starts I'll be quite scared/excited and going off on my tod might seem a bit wierd - and a bit of an anticlimax. And if it goes on for hours it would be odd sitting in a room with noone to talk to. I'm wondering if I can have him there through labour, but just get him to wait outside during the actual pushing part?! I am going to have to talk to him about it...

OP posts:

StarlightMcKenzie · 01/04/2008 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

beansontoast · 01/04/2008 21:29

i had dp and my best friend with me the first time i gave birth.

great combo..wasnt that optimistic about having just him tbh...it was nice to have my friend there to reassure me properly! (actually i spent the whole time telling them both to shut the f up)

next time around i had my dp and my mum...dp admitted he didnt fancy sitting up all night whilst i swore and grimaced and refused any contact whatsoever etc

however it was all over in a flash that time

Original poster

MacMac123 · 01/04/2008 21:31

That is funny Lubyloo! My hubby is ok with squeamish things (I think) but I would like to focus on myself. I am most worried about feeling self concious - i felt really embarrased during our midwifes appoitnmetns when I had to go through things like STI's and smears (I seem to have had quite a few easily clearupable infections along the way and hubby was making jokes about this)! It's just all quite personal stuff.
But I am probably being naive - it will prob feel natural to have him at my side when I am in labour

OP posts:

ScarletA · 01/04/2008 21:31

I had my Mum with me too, both times (she used to be a midwife, but would have had her there anyway). Second time was a home birth and dp was feeding the dog when ds arrived.

Did no one think to call me? he asked.

sweetkitty · 01/04/2008 21:32

I thought my DP would hate it as he hates anything medical and his Mum had told him to stay at the head end at all costs but we are about to have no 3 and he is so looking forward to it, he says watching his DC come into the world is the most amazing thing he has ever seen and he wouldn't miss it for the world.

TBH after the first one I think it brought us even closer together as we were both there at a very emotional and amazing time. It didn't change a thing between us sexually either.

From my point of view I really need him there, there was a chance with DD2 that I would have needed and induction and DP would have had to miss it to look after DD1 but in the end it all worked out. I need him to be my voice as I'm usually out of it and I just need to feel his presence there if that makes any sense.

I would have a talk with him about it find out his thoughts maybe he will feel the same so it's better to get it out in the open.

liath · 01/04/2008 21:37

DH was there both times but TBH if he hadn't wanted to be I wouldn't have missed him. Not in a nasty way but it felt a bit wrong to me having a man in the room & I didn't really get anything out of it in terms of feeling supported. In fact, I still feel a bit embarrassed by how out of control I was during the first birth and wish he hadn't seen me like that.

My mum was with me for the second birth, (at home) which was fabulous - she's a nurse and ended up helping with the delivery.

DH himself says he's glad he was there but doesn't rate it as the most momentous thing ever .

chickenrun · 01/04/2008 21:38

I was so glad I had dh at my births. With my 2nd, it was a busy night so I didn't get a MW for ages and laboured in the corridor for hours. If I didn't have my dh it would have been really hard because he was able to ask try to find staff to get me drugs and fetch water for me etc. Saying that, I would have been happy to have a friend instead but dh wouldn't have missed it for anything.

fingerwoman · 01/04/2008 21:38

oh trust me macmac, when you're in labour and everyone in the room has had a good poke around "down there" you will find that self-concsiousness goes out the window lol

my dp stayed up my end throughout the whole thing, both times round. he didn't want to be at the business end at all, was just there to support me.

I think it's worth having him there, but warn him you may ask him to leave halfway through lol

madamez · 01/04/2008 21:41

Well it wasn't quite the same for me as DS dad is not my partner and when DS was born we were in rather tentative armed-neutrality sort of contact, and though he offered to be at the birth I refused to have him there.
ANd TBH I am not sure I would have wanted a male partner with me anyway - although one of the midwives was a man - I was happier having just my mum and my friend there.
I think it's kind of up to the people concerned, each time: don't force a bloke to attend if he's really freaked by the idea, but don;t feel you have to let him be there if the thought really upsets you (though it would be nice to let him wait at least outside the room and come and see his DC almost immediately).

Original poster

MacMac123 · 01/04/2008 21:45

Yeah he could definitely wait in the corridor, I would be furious if he was at home watching Eastenders while I was having his baby!!!!!
I wonder how he'll take the idea of being at my side for most of it, then being shoved out in the corridor for the last part?! Although no doubt by then I will be so out of it I won't know who is there and who isn't!

OP posts:

amytheearwaxbanisher · 01/04/2008 22:03

i really wanted dh there but its all about what makes you comfortable oh and once the pain gets vey bad you wont care if the whole world has a look and a prod down there!

solo · 02/04/2008 12:39

I had a birthing partner with Ds who was ok, was my exh but not sons father. He stopped me from drowning in the birthing pool when I dozed off! had to go into theatre in the end and he accompanied me, so very supportive.

I had Dd's father(dp)with me for her birth and he was brilliant. It was me who insisted he was there too.

He looked after me, made me laugh, gave me hand massages, back rubs, kept me comfortable and dealt with the midwives when he felt they weren't listening to me. Finally, he delivered his daughter and that totally bonded them - which was my plan! He recognised when my blood sugar was low post delivery and was the one feeding me chocolate. I wouldn't change it. He was the best.

vicsta · 16/04/2008 20:41

Anyone see the article in the Daily Mail today? Suggests women have longer & more difficult labours if partners are there. Soon to be making this decision ourselves - any more recent opinions/experiences?

leo1978 · 16/04/2008 22:31

I know a lot of people disagree with this but I was so glad my dh was at the business end shouting encouragement like 'I can see the head' as at the time I thought it would never end. I honestly think that had he not have been there I would not have managed a vaginal delivery.

CoteDAzur · 16/04/2008 22:35

I kicked DH out the birth room when nausea hit and didn't invite him back in.

slinkiemalinki · 16/04/2008 23:21

I felt that way MacMac and told him so, but he felt he wanted to be there. It didn't feel right to me to deny him (though I know others feel strongly it's the woman's choice). I ended up having my mum as well - she was at the business end - and he was kept to the head end. It really did feel at the time that we were in it together. He was an awful lot more helpful/supportive than I expected he would, love him. I don't think he'd have missed it.

kayzisexpecting · 17/04/2008 07:01

I had DH with me and he didn't go near the business end. I would not have spoke to him ever again if he wasn't with me. Same goes for this baby too.

If you put GMTV on at 8:20 they are doing a thing about apparently men make births longer and more painful. Bo**ocks I think. Its childbirth not a walk in the park.

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