Trauma and fear of being touched during labour

[MelbaF]

Sorry, this is a bit of a long post

I'm currently in my second trimester so still got a fair way to go. This is my first baby so I'm pretty nervous not knowing what to expect.

I have some really significant abuse history and despite years ( I mean almost a decade) of therapy and counselling I'm worried it's going to rear it's ugly head again during childbirth. It took the best part of 5 years for me to become comfortable with my husband touching me anywhere even remotely intimate without having severe panic attacks. Nowadays on a day to day basis, I am absolutely fine but I'm terrified that I'm going to freak out all over again if I've got a midwive (basically a stranger) all up in my grill during birth and me not really knowing/being able to see what they are doing.

My plan is to have a home birth because I think I'm going to feel more comfortable and more in control in my own environment. I'm not shy or a prude at all and have no worries about having to be exposed to whoever wants to have a look. I'm also sensible enough to understand that midwives gotta do what they gotta do to get the job done and why certain interventions might be needed etc. I'm desperately hoping that in the moment I can be as level headed as I am now or that I'm not going to give a hoot about what's going on down there or who is touching me because I will be so in the zone. However my biggest fear is that won't be the case and I'll freak out and go into a full blown panic attack and then baby will become distressed and l have to go into hospital and then there are even more doctors touching me and interventions I really wanted to avoid etc.

My question is, has anyone had any kind of similar experiences and how did they find it in the moment? Has anyone ever asked their midwives to be as handsoff as possible if everything is going well? And if I'm getting to the point where I'm really losing my cool, can I just ask everyone to stop immediately?

Thank you x

Aw hell yeah, of course. Absolutely.

What I would recommend, though, is reading everything there is to read about birth and maybe make a list of every possible reason why a midwife might think it was a good idea to touch you, then go through them and have a clear idea of whether or not you're ok with it.

An example: to stop me tearing during the pushing stage, a midwife held a warm compress to my bits. I was barely aware of it and it was much better for me not to tear, but that's entirely up to you.

If you've got a list your birth partner can go through it with whoever you've got on the day.

Oh this is hard for you. I hope you will be in the zone when you're in labour. You really need to discuss this with the midwife or doctor then they will be prepared and be able to reassure you. Hope it all goes well and congratulations

Talk to your midwife about this, if you can, it's important that they know and can adjust their dealing with you as appropriate. They may be able to refer you to a midwife who specialises in this sort of area. I had issues around this due to lots of hospitalisation as a child and some quite deep seated negative responses to specific medical situations as a result. I had an appointment with a specialist midwife who talked me through what was likely to happen, and what they could do to address my concerns. This was all written up on my notes.

Your husband can also advocate for you when it comes to the birth itself, as there can be moments during labour when it's hard to talk and to get your point across.

Thank you. My problem is right now I can rationalise anything a midwife might need to do. I'm not opposed to the idea of anything really when I'm calm and level headed.

What my brain decides to do or tell me when I'm actually in the moment is another matter though 😂

How would you feel about a planned caesarean? Then they don't have to touch your genital area during birth.

Not a problem, I would still write it all down. Then do it again next week and see how you feel.

Definitely talk to your midwife.

@allgrownupnow makes a good point...

I was also going to ask if you've considered an elcs? I would ask your midwife/doctor about this.

I've had two home births, during the first one the only time I was touched by anyone but my husband was when they were listening to baby at the end.

In my second labour I declined this monitoring as I found it so irritating the first time (and it turns out I labour so quickly anyway there's not much point).

After my second labour I was confident enough to enforce a few hours before any checks on baby or me and it was delightful. I waited for the placenta to come on its own and it was only then that I asked one of the midwives to come and support me in a squat.

So basically no one touched me at all second time round!

It can be done.

Home birth is absolutely wonderful and it sounds like it will suit you perfectly.

You can decline any and all vaginal exams too.

Been there, done that (and I, personally, was okay in labour, didn't flashback, didn't panic, although some internal exams in the early stages were a little bit touch and go, definitely a bit of dissociation crept in). For me personally, a c-section would not have suited unless medically required (unable to move with people leaning over me, no thank you), but it could be a good option for you, depending on what you find triggering.

I did talk about it with the midwives, and I was advised to have a warning about it (in all caps, actually) at the top of my birth 'plan', including to avoid male staff if possible. Virtually my entire birth plan was my best guess at how to manage things if old memories and reactions started to rear their heads.

I was also advised to have my birth partner well-briefed on a 1-2 sentence summary he was to say to everyone who came near me (which he faithfully did), as well as him knowing the whole plan – if things start to move quickly, there might not be time for staff to read the whole thing.

I did have in mine that if certain things happened, I wanted as much space and as few people as was medically safe (if it had happened at a crisis point, then I wanted them to do what they had to do to help me/baby, and I'd work through the mental/emotional mess later). None of the midwives who read it before or during labour (I have two children) raised any concerns about that. I mostly got on with things myself (other than checks on baby), minimal touching and not even much talking most of it – they very much followed my lead on that.

Another thing to consider is if you mask pain or otherwise react to it in unusual ways – if so, tell them, it can affect their judgement of how you're progressing and how you're coping. I also found gas & air very effective for taking the edge off the pain, but I could feel it also made it easier to dissociate, so I had to be a bit careful how much I had.

I know I worried a lot about this in the lead up to my first – how anyone will cope with labour is a worrying unknown, and this is just a whole extra level – but I hope that you'll get the support that I did, and that ultimately, it will go well for you, as it did for me.

@skkyelark and @babygonewild You have made me feel so much better ❤️

I have mentioned it to my midwife and to be honest she didn't seem too interested and just said I would be referred to a specialist midwife to discuss things with closer to the time and she has put on my notes that I'm not to have any males if possible and that I am not keen on routine vaginal examinations.

In an emergency I am willing to put up with anything and everything that is necessary to keep by baby safe but I would rather not go for an elective c section because I think a lot of my issue is needing to feel like I'm in control over my own body so c sections freak me out in a whole different way.

Knowing there is potential to have relatively hands off midwives (assuming things are progressing well) makes me feel much happier. I'm really hopeful that I've come far enough now that it won't bother me regardless. I guess im hoping for the best but planning for the worst. Only time will tell though 😊

I am/was exactly the same, I had an ELCS because I absolutely couldn't face the idea of any interference. I wanted to ensure that I removed as many 'triggers' as possible to ensure that DS birth wasn't in any way associated with previous trauma and/or the minimise the risk of flashbacks. Don't regret my decision for a moment.

You truly can have a hands off birth @MelbaF

Just remember everything is optional.

Join Samantha Gadsen's Facebook group 'Home Birth Support Group UK' - there's lots of people with similar stories and positive outcomes.

You sound really brave @MelbaF and I hope this is going to be really wonderful year for you. There's some great advice on here. I just wanted to say it's your body and you should absolutely feel it's ok to request no males where possible and to be in control of your boundaries. You won't be alone in that.

Not sure if this is relevant to your location but there's a project called My Body Back specifically for maternity (and cervical smears etc) for survivors.

Good luck x x

Would not recommend going for a planned section mine was very invasive.