How did you cope with the lack of control during abour?

[Thriving30]

I'm really early on in my pregnancy so I'm not sure why I'm even thinking about this now. This will be my first.

The thing that's worrying me is the lack of control during labour. I'm worried the pain will be so intense and frightening that I will panic and not be able to cope, and there will be nothing I can do to stop it. I am scared I'll get a severe tear, haemorrhage and die. The fear of this lack of control is keeping me up at night and making me tearful during the day. I know it's irrational and pathetic but I can't help it.

Please could someone talk me through what happens during labour and the coping strategies you had? What happens if the pain is too severe? And what happens if things go wrong? Will they go through things with me before making any decisions or will they just go ahead and do what they need to do to protect baby (episiotomy etc).

I had all your fears OP, to the point I opted for an ELCS cos it was the only thing I could control.

DS had other ideas and I went into labour 5 days earlier than my ELCS booked date. It was actually much easier to go along with whatever once I was actually in labour cos I just wanted the baby out of me. I didn't even have a birth plan cos I wasn't planning on giving birth.

Speak to your midwife about your fears and see what the options are. You might find that just speaking about it is helpful.

I replied too soon and missed your last paragraph. I ended up having to have an episiotomy but I would've gone along with anything they suggested at that point. They won't (shouldn't) do anything without your consent but will encourage if it's going to affect the baby. I was so out of it with pain that everytime I had a contraction I wasn't even "in the room". My husband ended up making the decision for me that I needed an epidural. Make sure your birth partner knows what you want in such a situation too.

I had your fears; I did my best to gather information about possible outcomes because knowledge is a sort of coping mechanism for me.

That said, I planned for a 14 h delivery leading to disasters. It was a fast and straightforward delivery, no time for back massages with tennis balls lol.

completely normal to be worried; lots of information available. Speak with your midwife or whomever you are working with.

Look into the positive birth company’s hypnobirthing digital pack x

It’s is very very normal to feel panicky about Labour early in your pregnancy.
But your body is made to birth a baby and with all the medical help available it’s highly highly likely all will be well.
I found listening to a relaxation track helpful. Others like hypno birthing and a birth plan.
remember you are not in constant pain. It comes and goes - and feels remarkably similar to period pain. All be it stronger.
A tens machine is also really helpful.
Speak to your midwife next time you see her. She should reassure you.

Do hypnobirthing. I was in full control the whole time when I did this.

Another vote for hypnobirthing here. Really helped me to be calm and present for the experience whilst having a birth plan that was flexible. Understanding all the options should they be needed, and your birth partner knowing what you want too so they can advocate for you.

Knowing what you can or can't control but what you can consent to also helps.

Deff sign up to an NCT course if you can also to learn more about the physicality of birth.

I did a hypnobirthing course did lots of reading, and had a home birth!

I did a pregnancy yoga class and that really helped. Lots of lovely breathing and visualization techniques. One I remember and used throughout all three births was each contraction was visualizing a mountain and counting slowly to 10 when you got to 5 that's the top of the mountain/contraction.. really helped me maintain control during contractions. In between I was chatting and all normal!!

Tokophobia is fear of childbirth. It’s normal to nervous/scared but it sounds like your fears are a bit more serious.
There’s some information below.
I think it would be worth talking to your midwife or GP about what help you can get.

https://www.tommys.org/pregnancy-information/im-pregnant/mental-wellbeing/tokophobia-fear-giving-birth

By the time I reached 39 weeks I was so desparate to get back to normal, I'd stopped worrying how, as long as it happened soon.

Labour in my case was very slow, and I descended into a painkiller induced haze. After all that worrying, I don't actually remember ds arriving.

I think you make a birth plan of preferences, and go with whatever works or is needed at the time.

Try and breakdown what your actual fears are. When you are having your first baby, the whole idea of birth can seem overwhelming and terrifying, so now is the time to educate yourself and familiarise yourself with birth (as much as possible) before you're actually dealing with it. Knowledge is power and will give you more control.

I’d recommend doing a hypnobirthing course as that really helped take away my fears about starting labour. However, also make sure you also look into all other aspects - knowledge is power so the more you know, the more in control you’ll feel. Ask your midwife what pain relief they offer and then research and decide which you would choose if you needed it. Ask people about C sections so you are prepared incase that happens.
I did hypnobirthing course and whilst it gave me confidence I think it also made me believe I’d have this amazing calm experience just breathing a baby out. It didn’t happen like that and I suddenly didn’t know what to do as I hadn’t prepared for it. I ended up being induced and asked what pain relief I’d like but I hadn’t researched it and just didn’t know and then it was too late. I also had an episiotomy and stitches etc without pain relief 🥲 but I wish I’d been more practical and known what my options were before labour.
Do a bit of research about pain relief, c sections, tears, episiotomy, inductions etc so you have the power of knowing what the doctors and midwives are talking about in all situations.
Also, look into the recovery of different births. How to care for stitches etc.

See if you can do some cbt to challenge your thinking. That's what I did when I had similar thoughts. Speak to your midwife team

I put on my birth plan I was very anxious and the things that I would struggle with the most

I think the thing I most needed to know in my first labour was that labour is very good for the baby: it isn't harming them...

Epidural

@Thriving30 Hi OP, I had my first baby 13 weeks ago and I'm also a psychotherapist.

Definitely invest in a good Hypnobirthing course. It will help you endlessly.

You'll learn:

• all about pregnancy and birth and the first few weeks.
• about different types of births - natural - intervention/medication free - c section etc.
• all types of pain relief.
• positive affirmations for birth.
• how to use your senses to remain in control and remain calm. Sounds, smells, sensations etc.
• decision making tools such as EBRAN. This helps you systematically make decisions as you go along in a concise thoughtful way.

You can and should practice the strategies through your pregnancy to get used to them.

I have a bit of a thing about pain and coping with pain and this made me anxious especially towards the end of my pregnancy. Hypnobirthing made me feel a lot more in control and like I could handle it.

Look up The Positive Birth Company, The Baby Academy, The Bump to Baby Chapter.

If you have instagram they all have instagram pages. Follow Pop that Mumma - she's great.

I also really recommend drilling down with your MW about what is available where you will give birth or any particular quirks.

I'm a VBAC so made sure to check if wireless monitors are available.

I did hypnobirthing so felt very in control.
positive birth company digital course is very cheap.

https://www.labourpains.org/

is a fab resource written by anaesthetists. Epidurals are fab, to convert someone from screaming pain to laughing smiling and watching YouTube videos is still the best thing about our jobs

It kind of builds gradually so you adjust to it as you go.

Like others I found hypnobirthing useful as helped me to understand what was happening with my body through labour.

My least favourite part was when my waters broke (thankfully all over the bathroom floor rather than anywhere more embarrassing 😆) so we headed to hospital but I'd wrongly assumed once they went that was it - wrong! They just keep gushing out randomly so got through several outfits and half a pack of maternity pads before I even reached the hospital 😆

Once the contractions got too much for me I started on gas and air which was lovely 😆 and then just basically took all the drugs, an definitely recommend an epidural 😆

I mostly got through it by just thinking how many women do this every day around the world, and how it's what we are designed to do.

I found that a good dose of factual education plus prenatal Pilates and a breathing for birth worked well for me.
A class that gives you the facts of the matter makes sure you’re well informed without being TOO informed if you know what I mean. I recommend finding an in-person class so you can ask questions as you think of them.
Prenatal Pilates helped a lot with learning to control my breathing, sometimes in uncomfortable situations (ie towards the end of class when really pushing through some burn I learned how much of a difference controlled breathing makes).
A class (hypnobirthing etc) to learn birth specific breathing techniques really brings it together.

All that got me through 36 hours of contractions every 10-15 minutes (latent phase), 15 hours of active labour and 3 hours of pushing with no pain medication. It was painful but never once did I feel out of control and I was always aware of what was happening.

If you decide a vaginal birth is what you want you can absolutely do it.

I had all your fears OP, so much so I was sobbing uncontrollably every day of my pregnancy and having regular panic attacks because I was so terrified. I went to a very, very dark place because the fear overwhelmed me. Tried learning more about birth and physiology and it just scared me more. That fucking Milli Hill book every raves about frightened me so badly I had a panic attack and vomited for 2 hours after reading it.

I basically broke down on my doctor and she agreed to induce me with an epidural at the same time so I would never have to go without pain relief. Still terrified though, but in the end DS turned out to be breech and I had an ELCS and it was AMAZING. So chill, no pain, calm, predictable, easy to recover from. I even went on to have a second baby and the fact that I could go straight to an ELCS was a huge factor.

Denial...
I don't worry about being out of control, anyway.
This thread makes me realise that if DD ever has a FT pregnancy she will go straight to planned CS. She hates not being in control.

Having a birth plan helps. Not because of following the plan but because you spend time during pregnancy thinking about what is important, what you want to do, what you'll do if there is a problem, things you might like to try, things you know will be irritating like having your name said wrong! You don't have to give this to midwives you and who is supporting you through labour need to know it. Then when you go into labour you focus on the labour aspects and the support person helps you with remembering the plan.

I know birth plans get.poo poowd on MN but often it's because they are just a document rather than the planning work.

I would also suggest hypnobirthing. I did the course with my third and did lots of the practice sessions prior to birth. My third was the most worrying pre natal, birth and post natal. But I was calm and able to focus and give birth and advocate for DD and I. I think that is down to me having good planning discussions prior to birth and hypnobirthing.