Possible birth trauma/is this normal?

[Originalusername89]

Sorry if this isn't the right section, wasn't sure quite where to post.

And also if this is not the right language - my actual birth was perfect, a 12 hour labour with baby born at home in the pool. It's what happened after I'm struggling with.

I had to transfer in via ambulance for post partum haemorrhage. The baby (who was perfectly healthy at home and had an APGAR of 10) came with me in the ambulance in a car seat and 'crashed' twice on the journey.

She went grey, we had to pull the ambulance over and the midwife stimulated her to get her breathing again. I remember vividly the midwife saying 'stop the ambulance now and get me a flat surface and a bag & mask'. When we got to hospital she was whisked off and I was sent to a room to be worked on (a whole separate story)

That ambulance ride was the most horrific experience I've ever gone through. I thought my baby was going to die, twice. She's perfectly fine now, but I feel so weird about it. Like a really major thing happened but now we're fine and gone home. Whilst it hasn't affected my daily life, I'm not overly anxious about her health or worried about her being in a car seat or anything, I still think about it every day, several times a day. When I tell people the story I get real visceral reactions, tears in their eyes. But I'm just laughing it off when I tell them. But now I'm crying writing this.

I'm not sure what I want from this thread really. Is this a normal reaction? Part of me feels like I should talk it through with someone (who?) but part of me thinks it's normal to think a lot about major life events, and it's no big deal if it's not affecting my daily life.

Thanks for reading.

I’m so sorry you went through this. It’s upsetting even reading it.
I think you’re masking a lot of your feelings and telling yourself its not impacting your day to day life but it’s on your mind and of course it will be upsetting you in some way.
Could you speak to a health visitor and ask if she can recommend anyone to talk it through with? I think it’s a good idea to talk it through with someone and work through all those emotions you felt . You could also try phone the gp. My gp practice has an amazing mental health team who you can be referred to so hopefully you will have something similar.

There’s also an option to have a debrief with the hospital about what happened. It’s not like an accusatory thing but just something for you to help get your head around.

I’m so glad to hear your little one is okay now but please don’t minimise your feelings.

It sounds like you are still in shock, which is completely understandable. You had a truly frightening experience which would affect anyone and you’re still processing it which is why your mind is replaying it often.

You could speak to a counsellor or have a birth debrief with a midwife if you think it will help to talk about it? But I think in time, if you’re otherwise coping, you’ll start to make sense of it. Just be very accepting of yourself and have self compassion. Your brain is still catching up and trying to process something traumatic.

How old is your baby now?

Take your time and don't rush getting over this. I was horrifically traumatised by my childbirth and kept getting flashbacks all the time. I also kept talking about it, random stuff would remind me about it many times a day, my poor dh must have been so worried for me.

I had a turning point around 9mo postpartum. I credit that to a birth trauma peer support group that was like a miracle cure. But also I think I just needed that many months for my mind to heal.

I would say I'm still traumatised, and certain things definitely bring it all back, and I've developed a major phobia of medical environments. But I'm so so much better (3y later).

Fwiw I did do a maternal debrief with a consultant midwife of the hospital and she kept "making a note" so that "lessons would be learnt" - almost all lip service in my cynical view. I also withdrew from nhs IAPT therapy because she kept asking intrusive questions about my marriage and my childhood and other irrelevant crap, when I just wanted to talk about my traumatic experience.

The peer support group was gold. You can look up if there's one in your area.

What a terrible experience for you both.
When your health visitor comes talk to them and get a referral for mental health team. Or if they're shit straight to GP. It should be quick, You will jump the queue as you are post natal.

I didn't have the same experience as you but 7 years on I still relive my son's birth. It definitely gets easier to deal with but you must talk to someone and process what has happened. 💜

you poor thing, it sounds very much like ptsd symptoms after a traumatic event. Please get someone to help you find a therapist who specialises in EMDR to help you process it. It was the best thing I did for me and my baby after being in a similar situation to you.

I had a traumatic birth and was having flashbacks. I had a chat with a lovely midwife and it put it all to bed for me.

Do you have a HV or midwife you can speak to?

It is absolutely normal to feel really upset and traumatised by this. I think you are still processing it and it would be a really good idea to talk to someone about it. It sounds really frightening and anyone would feel upset by this. Do talk openly to family and friends about this, tell them how scared you were and let them support you and if you feel you need it then maybe seek some medical support too.

Yes your reaction is normal. You can get birth trauma counselling, it really helps. There are specialist counsellors trained in birth & neonatal trauma.

You must have been terrified. Take care

Thanks for your kind words everyone.

It was 5 weeks ago.

It's so weird because everything was fine, then it wasn't, then 30 minutes later it was fine again. Also because it all happened in the ambulance, only me and my (amazing) midwife appreciate how scary it was. Her colleagues in the clinic didn't really believe her until they saw a picture of my baby that showed how unwell she really was. (Horrible but the first picture I took of her in the hospital, she looks like a baby 'born sleeping')

I know my midwife was affected too as she had a debrief with her boss about it.

She did tell me I could contact her once I was discharged from the midwives so I might get in touch and go for a coffee or something. (Sounds weird but since it was a home birth and she made sure to be the one who did the follow up checks etc we developed a relationship over that first week)

I'll also mention it to the GP at the 8 week check I think.

Thanks everyone x

Oh op, only 5 weeks is a really short time. No wonder you're still feeling this way, it's normal to feel this way after an experience like that. Give yourself time and accept it'll take a while. Anyone in your position would be the same.

I wasn't even ready for counselling after so short a time, I could only talk about it in miserable incoherent bursts to begin with.

I think, as a society, we expect too much in terms of getting better instantly from experiences like this and then feel we have to label things or medicalise ourselves when we aren't better instantly.

Do they know why the baby crashed in the ambulance? Could it have been positional, that the car seat wasn't adjusted correctly? It's quite hard to adjust them for newborns and most babies wouldn't even be in the car seat until they are a couple of days old, by which time their breathing is much more stable and also they are very slightly bigger. This is a known problem for example with premature babies and you'd usually be given advice in that scenario.

I'm sorry that you experienced this anyway, it sounds horrible and frightening.

You should be able to have a debrief with the midwife and she should have more of an understanding of what happened due to her debrief (and her medical training)

Understanding what happened and why is a huge step in processing any traumatic event.

@BertieBotts yes exactly that. It was positional, and probably compounded by the fact it was a very fast birth (4 minutes pushing) so she was likely still a bit shocked and mucousy from the birth.

I wanted to hold her in my arms on the trolley but they said it was policy that infants travel in car seats. (My midwife has fed back to the ambulance service about that)

If it wasn't for me insisting she travel with me, she would have gone in the car with my partner and I just dread to think what could have happened if we'd done that.