Four months later little things are bothering me about the birth

[anotheranon]

I had a planned homebirth that ended in transfer. At the time I said that I felt really positive about the birth and the whole experience, but as time has passed little things are bothering me and I wish they would stop playing on my mind.

The main thing is that I had to stay in for 24 hours as my baby passed meconium on the way out, and had the cord around his neck.

Once I was taken to the ward, I was given a private room, which was great. However the only medical staff I saw before the midwife who discharged me was a HCP who came when I pressed the buzzer as I was struggling to breastfeed.

She was nice and helped me to latch my DS on. She showed me how to feed him laying down - it was 11pm and I'd not slept in two days. She then left us like that, DS tucked in by the sheet with both of us on our sides.

I woke up at 5am disorientated and scared - I had slept next to my baby in this exhausted state. I didn't think much about it at the time - lets face it I had enough to deal with.
But now I'm haunted by how dangerous I think this was.

And other small things that I am now upset about because they weren't explained to me. I had an episiotomy and ventouse and I feel this was perhaps unnecessary. I was on my back in stirrups, I had SPD - I said this through tears when they moved my legs but nothing was done. I had spent 8 hours in a pool at home, why was I not encouraged to be mobile?

I was on a drip - no one said what this was or why - when we arrived at hospital I was told not to push and just waited in agony on the bed for god knows what to happen - a midwife I guess. No one spoke to me. There were a couple of staff in the room just chatting and standing waiting, there was no warmth or encouragement or even talking to me. Then all of a sudden there were 7 or 8 people yelling push, so I did, and the rest is history.

Oh - and I was not given skin to skin - why the hell not - this breaks my heart. My baby was wrapped tightly in a towel and I was shaking like a leaf (no pain relief) so could only just hold him like that - the cord was cut immediately and I was given an injection for the placenta - these two things I did not want to happen. My homebirth midwife was there and knew this.

Why are these things bothering me after all this time?

Sorry I didnt' realise how long that was

Someone came to the delivery room to dress my son. She asked for a vest, a suit, and a hat. No one told me that I should take his hat off. I keep shuddering at the risk he was at while I was in the one place where we should both be safe.

It is hard when things don't go to plan.

oh sweetheart. why are these things bothering you? well, becasue they have upset you. it is ok to feel like this.

you had a plan and preferences for the birth, which were not met, and you feel disappointed, maybe even cheated of it.

you cannot go back and do it again, so you have to come to terms with what happened.

i don;t think having your baby tucked in with you was dangerous. lots of mums co -sleep.... you probably weren;t sleeping as deeply as you thought, IFYSWIM, and your baby could not have fallen, as could not move!

re SPD & Stirrups - that is a big no no. having to open your legs like that is contraindicated when you have SPD.

i imagine the drip was syntocinion to encourage stronger contractions to get baby out...

no skin to skin is not good either.

i wonder if you feel let down that the HB MW did not ensure your birth preferences were communicated effectively to the hospital MWs

do you think you would benefit from talking the whole birth through with teh MW?

did you say you wanted to transfer in or were you told oyu had to go in...

You can contact the liason midwife at the hospital who will listen to your concerns, talk to the staff who dealt with you and give you the feedback.
I did this with dc1 and it brought me a lot of peace of mind that someone had listened to my concerns and passed them on.
The anger will pass, believe me, just keep talking it through. Contact the obs dept and they will have the liaison midwives details.
Good Luckxxxx

I'm feeling really fragile right now, physically and mentally. We are all unwell too. I co-sleep now lulumama but have read that awful story of the woman who had a CS and was left with her baby - different of course but the fragility of babies is a scary thing.

Initially I was thrilled with my HB MW. She stayed with me at the hospital after her shift as she wanted to be there for the birth - but why didn't she explain these things.

She suggested transferring about 10 hours into things, I was so tired and things were slowing down. I said no, and she asked why - I told her I was scared it would end in a CS, and I started quoting stats from my local hospital (lol at the memory of that bit). An hour later I was losing my confidence and was just so tired and felt I couldn't push anymore. I lost sight of the goal and lost my nerve that I could it alone. So I agreed. It was just so long between making that decision, and being able to push again - wait for the ambulance, the journey itself, the wait in the delivery room.

I feel like such a statistic, and sad that no one was there to tell me I could do it. My partner was with me and feb until I went into transition when he got scared too so was happy to go hospital, but once there he was even more scared, by equipment etc and lack of privacy - should've had a doula (I bet a lot of people think that afterwards)

partner was fab, not feb

You have to remember that she did what she thought was right from a medical pov. You were terribly tired, you could have been pushing for even longer.
Sounds like she was being cautious.
I think the thing to focus on is that none of these fears were realised and you have a healthy baby.

I'm very sorry your experience was not ideal and you were, at least in part, not treated well.

On the ventouse thing - I had a ventouse delivery with ds2 (no episiotomy, but tear which looked slight at first but was then found to be 2nd degree and neeing stitches). I had arrived at hospital at 9cm with waters intact and suddenly bowled over by very intense contractions after them having been very manageable indeed up to that point (to the extent that I assumed I'd be 5cm at most and went in on the bus ). The waters were broken for me, there was meconium in, he had the cord round his neck twice. I was disappointed about the ventouse because I'd had one with ds1 too (very different, MUCH longer labour), but it seems it was necessary to get him out very quickly as the meconium, cord and dip in the heartrate indicated distress. I suspect your situation - and your active labour was much longer than mine, I had been at the hospital for all of half an hour when he arrived - would have been similar. It's very bad that you weren't debriefed properly, though. I was so well supported in my birth that I am sure the interventions were necessary. How that you couldn't feel the same.

I feel like I was naive, and part of this is probably a disappointment in myself. I didn't think about what would happen if I transferred, despite knowing how likely it was - I always maintained that I would labour at home for as long as possible, and if I managed to stay there, then great, and if I went into hispital, then fine - I didn't imagine that I would feel disappointed with myself in that event.

mrsr I am sure you are right - if w'd left it another hour would I have ended up completely helpless and having an em cs? Maybe.

berolina perhaps I am just being naive still! about the interventions. An episiotomy and ventouse is hardly a huge deal, and I sort of think I got off lightly. I suppose I see a huge difference in me - three hours earlier, at home feeling confident, strong, calm, to a shivering wreck on an uncomfortable bed unable to keep my eyes open (not sure what that was about). And rather a controlled episiotomy than a bad tear - it was small and healed quickly. My baby didn't seem to suffer headaches as a result of the ventouse either.

I remember the moment he was actually delivered as fantastic though. The surge of pain was so powerful and I realised that I was still alive (does that sound mad?) and at that moment I could do anything. Everyone cheered and then my partner cried, I cried, the baby cried. That is a good memory of it.

had to post as I had a very very similair experience to you tho had to transfer to a hospital from a planned home birth due to lack of staff initially.

I was also given a syntoconin drip and told not to push. This was because the baby was not in the right position to be delivered vaginally. The strengthened contractions and no pushing were to get the baby to move around rather than down if you see what I mean. However, I was given pethidine as the midwife told me it would be very painful and maybe even impossible to resist the pushing urge whilst on the drip. You should have been offered pain relief.

I also had a ventouse and I think an episiotomy and an injection for the placenta are inevitable of you have ventouse. That's certainly what was explained to me.

The similarities between our births don't end there but I won't bore you. I think the difference between how we feel is that everything that happened to me was explained at the time to me and my DP and that I know my birth plan was respected. Whenever they wanted to deviate from it, they explined why. In fact, they were so keen to stick to my 'keep the doctors out' request, that I practically had to scream to the midwife to "get the bloody doctor now".

Despite that for weeks after the birth, I was very teary about it. I still think there were some things they did that I would object to if I were bonkers enough to go through it again. Ultimately though I understood at all times what they were doing and why they were doing it. You on the other hand were ignored and kept in the dark about what was happening to your own body, while you were in pain and vulnerable. What human being wouldn't weep about that?

I really think you need to do as others have suggested and go through your notes with a midwife. Once you understand what was done to you and why you may still be justifiably angry and should definitely consider pursuing a complaint.

'An episiotomy and ventouse is hardly a huge deal, and I sort of think I got off lightly'

it does not matter whether you had an epi and ventouse or a crash section under GA. there are no degrees of trauma to get to before you are allowed to feel bad.

the point is, you feel sad about it

great to have a positive memory of the moment of birth thouhg, hold on to that feeling.

Hi there - I had a similar experience - I found that writing a letter (which i didn't send) to the hospital - really helped. It took me a few days to complete it (its about 30 pages long! I had so many grievances) but afterwards I really did feel like I'd got it all out and it stopped upseting me as much. x

oh yes, that feeling of his head coming (before the ventouse) blew me away.

I was screaming his name as they delivered him then when he was out started repeating the time frantically (as with ds1 everyone had been too busy to note it and with ds2 it was looking like being the same).

I shivered and shhok for a while afterwards. It is a great effort and the intensity of it all is a huge shock sometimes, so hardly surprising. Please don't feel it's not a big deal. All birth is a big deal - possibly one of the biggest any of us will have in our lives.

I think its important to deal with your feelings around the birth, chances are if you don't they come back to haunt you.

Possibly when you are pregnant again...

Your experience sounds similar to various friends of mine one of whom did contact the hospital over two years later to discuss it. She met with someone from the hospital and talked through her medical notes. She found it very enlighting and cathartic.

As for disappointment in yourself, I think that too is completely understandable, also unjustified of course.

When you choose a homebirth you often have to defend your decision and research and the whole process engenders a feeling of control and confidence in yourself, your particular hospital experience left you feeling like you had lost that control.

Perhaps arranging a meeting and having a chance to read through your notes and discover exactly what happened that day would be one way of regaining your control over what happened.

There are a lot of similarities, anotheranon beteen your birth and my first birth.

I'm not going to post too much (don't get me started)

I used my first birth as a leaning experience, and as a result, DH and I were much more clued up and assertive during my subsequent births.

There is no excuse for the treatment you recieved. Possibley explanations, but no excuse.

Sadly it seems most births aren't like the ones we're are shown at ante-natal classes, or on TV, and many hospitals are actually "behind the times"

I'm sure you are goiing over and over what happend during your time in hostpital in your head.

Must go on school run now, but jsut want to offer my sympathy, and a hug.

I have a book that says that the idea of not bonding with your baby without skin to skin is outdated and incorrect, having them in a towel is perfectly fine. Obviously I'm not a midwife etc so I can't comment, but why would skin contact make any difference?

hello there

Just wanted to add a couple of things to all this great advice. My experience of labour, and the way I felt afterwards, were very similar to yours.

Definitely make sure you have a labour debrief with a senior midwife at the hospital. I had a two hour session with the head of midwifery at my hospital during which we went over my hospital notes in minute detail. Some of it was really upsetting, but I learned loads of things that no=one had explained to me at the time and that helped me to come to terms with it. She was incredibly sympathetic and actively encouraged me to comment on specific people who'd been involved. I was able to unburden myself of all the resentment and anxiety.

She also did two other important things:

1. referred me to the hospital's specialist perinatal psychotherapist for counselling. This has helped me enormously as it has given me the space to explore all the issues surrounding the birth of my daughter.
2. arranged much better midwife care for me second time round (i'm 28 weeks preg now). I am now confident that my second labour will be handled very differently.

See if you can get access to some of these things. They all help.

Plus, you're probably still totally exhausted and full of hormones. You WILL feel much better about things once you are able to recover physically. This took many months for me. I really think it does if you have a difficult birth. Be patient and try not to let it all become an obssession. I got so wrapped up in it all, i forgot to enjoy my precious baby a lot of the time .