How do you decide without so many different views?

[Ididivfama]

I know birth is such an emotional topic and people can’t help but giving you their two cents worth. I’m considering a vbac but have very mixed feelings about it as it is.

Ive already had one friend rave about how incredible her second birth was, just managed gas and air, all the rest. Got me all enthused for trying a vbac.

Then had another say whaaaaat you have a choice of elcs why am I even considering the trauma of vbac. My mum who gave birth nearly 35 years ago can’t help but think it’s crazy I’m considering a vbac. So that gave me all the fear again.

Then another friend says she went for a vbac and how much better it was, even with forceps. Made a point about how she decided not to take the ‘easy option’ for her. That stung a little.

Then another doctor friend went on and on about how I NEED an epidural and how I won’t cope.

None of these opinions were requested! I feel very confused and it all feels a bit overwhelming tbh! I don’t want to feel like a failure or have trauma.

Epidurals are standard in the US. Just saying.

The NHS don’t do them here because it’s much easier and cheaper to dupe women to have painful births with a bit of oxygen and whale music.

Go for an -early- (not last minute) epidural. The Rolls Royce of pain relief. Watch Khloe Kardashian’s labour episode in KUWK to see how rich people do it - epidural in, full make up, composed, family around, relaxed etc.

My midwife scalded me to stop laughing and push - that’s how laid back it is. And I was home in my own bed the same night. Bliss.

I was "offered" a vbac and turned it down in favour of an elcs.

Words cannot express how happy I am not to be dealing with any of the birthing-related issues some of my friends are now dealing with in our late 40s/early 50s (pelvic floor, episiotomy twisting, one hysterectomy, painful sex etc).

Natural doesn't always = good. Technological progress can be good. The menopause can bring a whole load of different and new issues for you. Take the breaks where you can. It's a long, long road.

A completely natural birth is what is described in the books, your body tells you what to do and it is "easy" in that you feel in control and that the pain is there for a reason. I'm glad I got to experience one but it made no earthly difference to how I viewed my babies when they arrived. All.that's important is that you get to hold your little bundle of joy at the end of 9 months being pregnant. Go with your gut but be prepared for things to go differently at the birth

I know 3 who’ve done just gas and air and said it was incredible

I did. Gas and air in water. Absolutely horrendous 🤣 Nothing incredible about it at all.

I did gas n air in water with DC1, very meh, neither horrendous or incredible.

Meh! What a way to describe giving birth.

Hi! Pregnant with first atm so experience is obviously limited but it sounds like you're not sure how to make the decision?

1. Don't make it based on what one person or another says - as you already have seen, everyone has a different experience or point of view.
2. Look up statistics of birth methods and consequences (tears, instrumental, EMCS) in your area, and particularly after Vbac if you can find it. You should be able to find those (official stats collated by health agency, not an article from a blogger!) with google.
3. Carefully analyse the statistics to work out what the risks of each delivery method are, and which one you are more comfortable with.
4. Listen also to your intuition and what "feels" right after the research. If experiencing a vaginal birth is something that you feel you absolutely MUST do, you will probably feel it.

I did this when planning my delivery and have decided on an ELCS with my first. I am just not comfortable with the risks of vaginal delivery in my situation (slightly older, large baby, small pelvis/frame). I am sad that I will miss out on a vaginal delivery in part, but overall my "gut" feels a lot more comfortable with ELCS.

There are plenty of women who are puzzled and judgmental of my choice (my husband's family births at home without medication, my mum said "are you completely crazy?!" When I first told her) but I am standing behind my judgement because I have done my research. It is certainly not the "easy way out" and I am prepared for a much longer recovery. I also am making a point of telling people I am booked in for ELCS (when appropriate if asked about delivery) as I think there is nothing shameful about it and I don't feel I need to "prove" anything by giving birth vaginally.

The choice is yours and any way of delivering is just as valid as another, but I just think do your research so you make a decision confidently based on reason and facts, and not based on other people's opinions. Good luck with it either way!!!!

Each woman is different though. I also know women who said things like this - I’ve had 3 babies and I think they’re bonkers. I refused gas and air and chose no pain relief rather than crap pain relief. It was epidural or nothing.

Your birth isn’t foretold in a crystal ball so you’re just going to have to get all the info you need and make the decision yourself.

(…And then when you’re deep in labour with a basic NHS Home Bargains stick between your teeth, wish you’d have opted for an epidural.)

I had DS1 with gas and air and to this day I'd still say I didn't do anything. My body took over and it happened to me. There was absolutely no part of me that chose to push or not etc, it happened and he arrived.

DS2 on the other hand was an emcs after he failed to descend properly and was the worst experience of my life - both in the moment and recovery.

I don't have any positive or negative thoughts about how each one arrived. I don't feel like I did it "properly" with ds1 nor do I feel like I "cheated" with ds2. I'd like the emcs to have not been necessary but only because it was traumatic, and it was certainly not the "easy option".
Work out your preferred order of options and weight up the likelihood of those options - ie, a vbac might ultimately be the preferred option in isolation but if medical staff say you're likely to have issues and end up with an emcs, that might put a vbac lower down in you full list of options.

Obviously no one actually knows whether there will be complications thrown in there - best laid plans and all that - but it's a good as you can do to get an experience you'd be happy with.

And if all else fails, however they arrive - you've still had your baby, and happy and healthy is more important than their eviction route.

Firstly you need to decide if you actually want a vbac. I really didn't care. As long as baby was healthy. That's all I wanted. But some mums are different and feel cheated.
One mum friend had 3 kids. First one vbac. Amazing. 2 nd hard. 3rd one nearly died with cord . So it's very much luck. All kids are different. I wanted a section. I was talked into trying a vbac. It did not work, I tried for 2 days. Had an emergency section. I got to try to have a natural which was fine, so I kind of had the natural attempt experience. And I had a section. It was absolutely fine. I'd rather have stitches in my tummy than my vagina. When you are then sitting down for many hours. The section was amazing.

I had a quick recovery even with an emergency section. I know plenty of vbac's that needed a lot of stitches and their full recovery took ages. I was very tired and so on for about two weeks and a bit anemic as it was an emergency section. But overall I recovered fast. No one is going clubbing in the first few weeks anyway!

Hi. Not sure what I’m after pls but maybe reassurance. I just found out I’m pregnant with second child (a blessing!) but I had a very difficult first time experience - birth and postpartum.. I did have an elective c section first time as I was scared of vaginal birth. But … I really hated it. It wasn’t ‘calm’ or ‘relaxing’ - it was terrible (even though it was all fine and nothing was wrong) but I reacted badly to the meds and vomitting for days, plus got an infection - and then another infection which saw me readmitted for another 3 days!

It’s early days so far but I’m already feeling worried - in an ideal world I’d love a vaginal birth, even a water birth - but the thing that scares me are the horror stories - and all the things that can go wrong. Obviously c section is much more ‘predictable’ in some ways but that recovery took like 12 weeks - and I felt terrible. I wasn’t the ‘5 days and up’ at all. I could hardly move and was so sore, sick and just really not well.

Any wise words of wisdom please?

Very hard for me to say as my c sections were fine. I had a second one btw, after all my posts! Disappointed I didn’t experience vaginal but actually relieved as had another bad labour.

can you speak to the team about what went wrong last time in terms of your reaction to the meds and infection? if you’ve had a bad c section then makes sense to try labor if you’d like. The only thing is you’re more likely to have another section anyway so does that bother/scare you or would you rather just have it planned? One of the things that makes labour go wrong or can make it feel awful is fear. So I recommend doing a really good hypnobirthing course to get rid of all that fear and feel in control. Then you can decide.

At the end of the day there is no easy way to get the baby. It depends what kind of pain/overhelming sensations you dislike the least I think!

Thanks so much! I’m sorry I don’t know how to create a new thread / post and my post ended up here - I didn’t realise until after.

thank you for replying and I’m sorry to hear you had another bad labour. So tricky but glad to hear your recovery went well.

you raised some super good points about speaking to them re my reaction and also fear making labour harder.

Thank you !

What do you want to do?
why do you want to do it?
why don’t you want to do the other options?

These are the 3 questions I would ask myself. When it comes to giving birth it is so personal - everyone’s experience is so different but you need to make a decision.

Personally I went for a vbac because it felt like the only option for me (unless things went wrong). But if I wanted a section, I wouldn’t let anyone sway me.

Once you’ve made your choice do everything in your power to prepare yourself. For example there are massages you can do that help with delivery. Going for walks nearer the due date. Having all equipment for your hospital bag. Kegals etc.

It doesn’t matter what you decide, and I hope you can ignore those that are being negative.