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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

How do you decide without so many different views?

40 replies

Ididivfama · 26/09/2023 13:01

I know birth is such an emotional topic and people can’t help but giving you their two cents worth. I’m considering a vbac but have very mixed feelings about it as it is.

Ive already had one friend rave about how incredible her second birth was, just managed gas and air, all the rest. Got me all enthused for trying a vbac.

Then had another say whaaaaat you have a choice of elcs why am I even considering the trauma of vbac. My mum who gave birth nearly 35 years ago can’t help but think it’s crazy I’m considering a vbac. So that gave me all the fear again.

Then another friend says she went for a vbac and how much better it was, even with forceps. Made a point about how she decided not to take the ‘easy option’ for her. That stung a little.

Then another doctor friend went on and on about how I NEED an epidural and how I won’t cope.

None of these opinions were requested! I feel very confused and it all feels a bit overwhelming tbh! I don’t want to feel like a failure or have trauma.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ididivfama · 26/09/2023 13:03

I do feel emotional about the thought of never giving birth, although that is slowly fading into acceptance over time, if I have ‘no choice’. But if there are options then I don’t want to deny myself the chance.

But then a part of me would also be quite relieved if I was told I needed a section and it was all booked and that was that.

OP posts:
Devilsmommy · 26/09/2023 13:13

I had natural birth, no epidural, only gas and air. Wish I'd have known you could have a section if you want, but I'm a wimp for pain. Tbh it sounds like you'd like a natural birth but then you say you'd be relieved with section, is that just from people telling you horror stories? Every woman's experience of childbirth is different, forget everything you've been told and ask yourself "what do I want 100%?" Whatever you're most comfortable with, that's it

Original poster
Ididivfama · 26/09/2023 13:16

Devilsmommy · 26/09/2023 13:13

I had natural birth, no epidural, only gas and air. Wish I'd have known you could have a section if you want, but I'm a wimp for pain. Tbh it sounds like you'd like a natural birth but then you say you'd be relieved with section, is that just from people telling you horror stories? Every woman's experience of childbirth is different, forget everything you've been told and ask yourself "what do I want 100%?" Whatever you're most comfortable with, that's it

It’s because I’ve already had a section for failure to progress last time so I’ve been offered another.

Sounds like you were fine?

Im more nervous as it’s a vbac so I’m advised to be in delivery suite and constant monitoring.

OP posts:
RoseslnTheHospital · 26/09/2023 13:16

The "friend" who called a c-section the "easy option" is an idiot. It's not easy. It's major abdominal surgery, can have complications, and recovery from an uncomplicated vaginal birth is much quicker than from a c-section.

Your doctor "friend" is also an idiot for suggesting that you "won't cope" and would need an epidural. Truly, you should tell both of these people how their unsolicited comments are ignorant, rude and unhelpful.

There are no prizes for giving birth using gas and air alone. Honestly, if we're being competitive then your friend should have managed without any pain relief whatsoever!! Clearly not a sensible point of view.

I was intending on a VBAC but experienced an unplanned emergency caesarean at 37 weeks, not at all what I had thought was going to happen. I was in a little bit of denial whilst it was happening and then had to reconcile to not ever having the chance to experience a vaginal delivery. But, it was necessary to save my baby's life and so I can't feel any regret or sadness over it, just gratitude that swift action was taken and it was all ok in the end.

The optimal result is a vaginal birth with minor or no birth injuries. If you opt for a c section then what you get is more certainty and a potentially more predictable recovery. So it depends on what you personally think about certainty over risk, based on the available evidence eg https://www.nct.org.uk/labour-birth/different-types-birth/caesarean-birth/vaginal-birth-after-caesarean

Original poster
Ididivfama · 26/09/2023 13:18

RoseslnTheHospital · 26/09/2023 13:16

The "friend" who called a c-section the "easy option" is an idiot. It's not easy. It's major abdominal surgery, can have complications, and recovery from an uncomplicated vaginal birth is much quicker than from a c-section.

Your doctor "friend" is also an idiot for suggesting that you "won't cope" and would need an epidural. Truly, you should tell both of these people how their unsolicited comments are ignorant, rude and unhelpful.

There are no prizes for giving birth using gas and air alone. Honestly, if we're being competitive then your friend should have managed without any pain relief whatsoever!! Clearly not a sensible point of view.

I was intending on a VBAC but experienced an unplanned emergency caesarean at 37 weeks, not at all what I had thought was going to happen. I was in a little bit of denial whilst it was happening and then had to reconcile to not ever having the chance to experience a vaginal delivery. But, it was necessary to save my baby's life and so I can't feel any regret or sadness over it, just gratitude that swift action was taken and it was all ok in the end.

The optimal result is a vaginal birth with minor or no birth injuries. If you opt for a c section then what you get is more certainty and a potentially more predictable recovery. So it depends on what you personally think about certainty over risk, based on the available evidence eg https://www.nct.org.uk/labour-birth/different-types-birth/caesarean-birth/vaginal-birth-after-caesarean

Thanks for this and honestly I agree. I was quite peed off by those people!

I think it’s fear of the unknown and of vaginal related trauma. I also want to do what is ‘best’ for the baby. I need to work out what I really want I suppose, maybe it’ll get clearer.

OP posts:
Devilsmommy · 26/09/2023 13:18

@Ididivfama yes everything did go well thankfully. Will you have someone with you at delivery as you're feeling so nervous?

Original poster
Ididivfama · 26/09/2023 13:20

Devilsmommy · 26/09/2023 13:18

@Ididivfama yes everything did go well thankfully. Will you have someone with you at delivery as you're feeling so nervous?

so how come you would’ve wanted a section?

Yeah definitely. I was in for five days last time and it was so awful.

OP posts:
Devilsmommy · 26/09/2023 13:24

@Ididivfama sounds pathetic I know but I'm an absolute wimp for pain and I worked myself up all through my pregnancy about it, not helping the already diagnosed high blood pressure I developed early pregnancy. I think feeling like I had at least some control over the situation would have been a huge relief. I know that there is pain after a section but I wasn't really thinking of that at the time iyswim

reallyfedup12 · 26/09/2023 13:24

I gave birth over the weekend. In the lead up I had a real wobble as it was a second bath and I knew exactly what birth is like. I wished I'd pushed for a section as that was on offer at one point. However, i was in the shower an hour after birth, straightened my hair, full face of make up and was walking round with baby immediately after. Popped to the super market on the way home.

The ladies who were in after c sections were barely out of bed, looked really unwell and in a lot of pain. I'm really pleased I went for a vagina north despite having my wobble. In the moment you just deal with it.

WeWereInParis · 26/09/2023 13:26

Then another friend says she went for a vbac and how much better it was, even with forceps. Made a point about how she decided not to take the ‘easy option’ for her. That stung a little.

Then another doctor friend went on and on about how I NEED an epidural and how I won’t cope.

Why do they all have opinions on how you give birth?!
"A c-section is the easy option" (what would even be wrong with that??)
"You definitely won't cope without an epidural"
Tell them to shut up.

I had 2 vaginal births, one of which was an induction after PPROM, without pain relief (gas and air made me feel sick so I didn't have more than a few puffs). And if a friend asked me about my experience I'd tell them. But I wouldn't offer an opinion on what they should or should not do. I never understand the investment some people have in the way that someone else gives birth.

Lightningrain · 26/09/2023 13:30

I’m in a different situation as I’m pregnant with my first but I’ve just done a hypnobirthing course and feel a lot happier about the different options and feeling in control if what happens at the time isn’t what I’d envisaged. It might be worth having a look at some of the hypnobirthing resources online to help as it tends to provide you with the positives rather than just listening to experiences of friends/family (however well meaning).

Original poster
Ididivfama · 26/09/2023 13:32

Lightningrain · 26/09/2023 13:30

I’m in a different situation as I’m pregnant with my first but I’ve just done a hypnobirthing course and feel a lot happier about the different options and feeling in control if what happens at the time isn’t what I’d envisaged. It might be worth having a look at some of the hypnobirthing resources online to help as it tends to provide you with the positives rather than just listening to experiences of friends/family (however well meaning).

I did hypnobirthing til the cows came home 🤣 which is why I felt a bit rubbish the first time. It is good though as it helped me with contractions.

OP posts:
ALunchbox · 26/09/2023 13:33

I was overwhelmed like you with choice and conflicting advice. I ended deciding to go with a flow and aim for a natural birth but that if things went wrong to keep an open mind to other options. Ending up with a vaginal birth with the epidural.

Hopingforbetterluck · 26/09/2023 13:43

I wouldn’t listen to anyone else’s opinion, birth stories are all so different for different people. Make a plan that you and you alone are comfortable and happy with and keep in mind it can all be taken out of your hands anyway depending what happens and try to go with the flow. Be ok with the plan changing then it’s not so upsetting if it does.

For what it’s worth I’ve had two vaginal births, one very long with only gas and air, one shorter with an epidural. I was terrified of needing a c-section and don’t think that’s the easy option at all. I was adamant I wanted a water birth but with my first, circumstances prevented it. Got in the pool with my second and absolutely hated it 🤣, got straight out and asked for an epidural.

oistopthatyoucheekysnail · 26/09/2023 13:47

I had a very traumatic emergency section with my first.

With my second, I'd booked in an elective and went into labour early. Was at 9cm within 3 hours. I insisted on another emergency section because that's what I knew from my first experience (despite wanting a vbac all along during pregnancy!) and the birth felt very uncomplicated second time around. I wish things hadn't progressed quite so quickly as I might have had time to think about it carefully and go naturally.

I don't think I'm having a third but if I did, I'd go for a vba2c, hands down.

TaraRhu · 26/09/2023 13:51

There's no such thing as an easy option! All types of birth have some element of risk.

I honestly wouldn't bear yourself up about not 'giving birth'. It's not all that. I've done it twice, once I'm gas and air. Nothing the second time as it was so fast. I now have a prolapse and need surgery. Blush

Do what feels right for YOU!

CyberCritical · 26/09/2023 13:56

The success measure here is that you and baby are well at the end of the process.

How you get there is up to you and no option that you choose will be the "easy" option.

Speak to your midwife or consultant, and make whatever choice you feel most comfortable with. If anyone else wants to offer their advice or story to you, just tell them you don't want it.

Original poster
Ididivfama · 26/09/2023 15:15

CyberCritical · 26/09/2023 13:56

The success measure here is that you and baby are well at the end of the process.

How you get there is up to you and no option that you choose will be the "easy" option.

Speak to your midwife or consultant, and make whatever choice you feel most comfortable with. If anyone else wants to offer their advice or story to you, just tell them you don't want it.

It’s mentally well as well as physically which is really hard to judge

OP posts:
Original poster
Ididivfama · 26/09/2023 15:15

oistopthatyoucheekysnail · 26/09/2023 13:47

I had a very traumatic emergency section with my first.

With my second, I'd booked in an elective and went into labour early. Was at 9cm within 3 hours. I insisted on another emergency section because that's what I knew from my first experience (despite wanting a vbac all along during pregnancy!) and the birth felt very uncomplicated second time around. I wish things hadn't progressed quite so quickly as I might have had time to think about it carefully and go naturally.

I don't think I'm having a third but if I did, I'd go for a vba2c, hands down.

Do you remember what stage you were at when requested emergency?

OP posts:
oistopthatyoucheekysnail · 26/09/2023 15:27

I arrived at hospital at 9cm and then spoke with a consultant within half an hour as I'd had an emcs previously.

annlee3817 · 26/09/2023 21:57

Is it worth sitting down with the consultant/midwife and getting a debrief on the first birth, looking at why they think you had failure to progress, my friend did this and was told it could happen again, which is what made up her mind about c-section and she went for that. Just gather information and make an informed decision yourself, try and ignore the friends opinions. I don't think any birth can be classed as an easy way out, c section or vaginal

Jellycats4life · 26/09/2023 22:01

It’s so easy to think that, as a woman, you need to experience natural childbirth.

With the benefit of hindsight, and having given birth both ways, I can tell you that natural birth is overrated and it’s a pity so many women STILL shame other women for having c sections.

I won’t say any more because it has to be your choice, but please don’t let the fear of being judged be the one thing that stops you having an elective section.

Sugarfree23 · 26/09/2023 22:04

Op you can only listen to your own body. Make a plan but be prepared to rip it up and bin it.

DC1 I was shitting it at the idea of being induced. Managed to avoid that and had a fairly easy water birth.

DC2 I was induced never got beyond the pessary. I listened to the plan. My body and baby had other plans. 4 pills 2x paracetamol & 2 ??? and a wft moment baby in my arms.
That was not the plan!!!

FoodFann · 26/09/2023 22:10

A c section is still ‘giving birth’ OP. Many women attempt an unmedicated vaginal delivery, but a very small number of women actually have one.

‘Make a plan and rip it up and bin it’ - I made a plan for ELCS and got exactly what I planned.

FoodFann · 26/09/2023 22:10

Jellycats4life · 26/09/2023 22:01

It’s so easy to think that, as a woman, you need to experience natural childbirth.

With the benefit of hindsight, and having given birth both ways, I can tell you that natural birth is overrated and it’s a pity so many women STILL shame other women for having c sections.

I won’t say any more because it has to be your choice, but please don’t let the fear of being judged be the one thing that stops you having an elective section.

I don’t know any women who have experienced a completely natural, unmedicated childbirth.