traumatised by childbirth

[needmorecoffee]

didn't know where to put this...
My older 3 kids were 12, 11 and 9 when dd was born and were present at the homebirth. It all went hideously wrong and she was blue-lighted to hospital and left horribly brain damaged. For the first 24 hours we didn't even know she was still alive cos they were working on her.
Then we had to visit daily NICU and deal with tubes andmachines.
ds2, who was 9, has been left deeply traumatised and can't bear to see babies or hear anything about birth. Its now 4 years on and he is still this way. Anyone had this? What should I do. Heck, I can barely deal with birth myself so am useless.

nmc, have you spoken to anyone about this?
I would think the birth trauma association? (Ask lulu, she'll know who to talk to) would be able to give you some advice on how to handle it.

I am sorry I do not have any advice for you as have had no experience of this. Have you tried a therapist for both of you to see together?
I hope you find the answers for both you and your DS. Good luck.

Agree with VS, try the birth trauma association? Also I don't know if it would be available to you on NHS but you could try approaching your GP to ask for some family therapy for you and your ds and maybe the others as well? This was a trauma that happened of course to you but also to all the family so IMO it would be something a family therapist might get involved in. Equally the GP might be able to access a counsellor through the local child and adolescent mental health service?

It's not to say that he has mental health issues but this kind of thing could affect his life couldn't it; if he really can't bear babies etc then it could affect his life choices where it may not NEED to IYSWIM.

I'm sure you will have done this but I think as well that looking at photos of when he and your older kids were born etc or even just talking about it if he can't bear the photos, might be helpful as it's good to be reminded that most births are fine, most babies are fine, and that things do not always go wrong etc.

HTH

sheila kitznger birth crisis helpline might be a good place to start

i had read your birth story , or bits of it before, and had not realised that your other children had seen the birth.

you both , and probabvly you all, need to have some counselling to come to terms with what happened.

the birth crisis might well be a good place, as sheila kitzinger is an expert in such things and does training with the women who answer the calls. they might well have knowledge of this.

the birth trauma association might also be useful.

i think the two issues are:

you being able to debrief and process what happenend

and support DS2 in his processing of the event.

you can all support each other, and grieve together.

sorry i cannot be of more assistance, but my experience lies in counselling women who have had birth trauma and are contemplating further pregnancies, and no experience of a child traumatised by birth.

so sorry to not be more help.,but i hope the BTA or birth crisis can help

Thanks. I know I'm still traumatised by the birth and did speak to Sheila when dd was 6 months old and wasn't thought to be going to live.
I hadn't really thought the other kids would be affected so when ds told me he couldn't bear reading about births I was horrified I'd overlooked his trauma. He sayshe spends every day worried dd will die (she's now 4 and has a 50% chance of getting to 10)
If I'd of known I'd of never let them witness the birth.

if you'd have know , of course you wouldn;t, but you didn;t know

you absolutely must not blame yourself

you had no reason to think anything this bad would happen

you did not overlook DS;s trauma, you have been absorbed in the reality of looking after your family, one of whom needs round the clock care,and you have health issues IIRC... so it is hardly like you have spent the last few years blithely ignoring DS2...

i hope that you get somewhere, and can get some professional help

do any of the support networks you use already have any experience of this?

I did get reffered to psychotherapy and it was crap. 2 women facing me, not saying a word apart from 'use this space as you see'. Me all wound up tight and tearful inside needing some farking guidance not hippy crap.
So that was that.

oh dear

but there are lots of different types of therapy, not just psychotherapy.. my mum does counselling, i shall ask her what she recommends...if that is ok?

Oh, this is so very sad. Sory, no practical advice. Just wanted to offer you a sympathetic ear.