Did I do birth ‘wrong’?

[The3rdWatermelon]

My baby is 11 months old and I’m still beating myself up at least once a day about her birth. I have a diagnosis of PND and am on the waiting list for a birth debrief. I’m getting better, but this one thought is just hanging on.

I feel like I did the birth wrong.

I was having contractions on and off for two days before I was told to come into hospital. When I got there I waited several hours and was then moved into the delivery room. I had another 8 hours of increasing contractions before they told me I’d be given the drip to get things moving as I’d been stuck at 5cm dilated. They broke my waters for me. The gas and air did nothing for me, I hadn’t slept properly for 3 days and I was exhausted so I asked for the epidural. I’d been on my back most of the time in the delivery room. I desperately didn’t want to labour on my back but every time I got into a different position the room started spinning, and getting on my hands and knees made me immediately start vomiting. I managed to stand for a while before they brought in the epidural but it made no difference and I was so tired I started disassociating.

After I got to 10cm with the help of the drip I pushed for 90 minutes with absolutely no results. I was taken to theatre to prepare for a c section, but moving on the trolley seemed to shift something and baby started to move down. I ended up giving birth with forceps on the operating table. Shoulder dystocia, placenta had to be manually removed, post parting haemorrhage, blah blah blah. Left me with retained tissue that didn’t clear itself for another 9 months. I then got double mastitis twice in the first month and had to stop breastfeeding.

All in all I still feel like I failed at every step. I keep thinking if I’d just tried harder, gritted my teeth to get in a better position, put more effort into pushing, tried harder with breastfeeding… I don’t know, maybe id be a better mum somehow? I’ve just been reading the thread about how hospitals are portrayed on TV, and the posts about how women are always shown giving birth on their backs even though they don’t ‘naturally’ do that.

I had IVF to get pregnant and I feel very much like the entirety of conception, pregnancy and birth was done TO me.

I guess I’m just looking for some reassurance that if I’d somehow managed to “try harder” it wouldn’t have changed anything?

I'm also struggling to see why so many people say the professionals around her failed? Birth is hard, sometimes takes a very long time and can take unexpected turns. And your description of yourself as weak and lazy OP, even if you were (I'm sure you weren't btw) so what! We're not all super heros.

@The3rdWatermelon I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling like this at 11 months. I went through something very similar myself. Although I didn’t have PND I definitely had depression from a traumatic birth. My son had sepsis and I lost 4 litres of blood and also had sepsis. Nicu nurse told me if my son hadn’t be so large he would have died from his sepsis levels. Couldn’t stop thinking that if I had asked for a c-sec earlier we would have both been fine. After 4 days of labour and at 5cm they offered me one and I’m glad I took it. Unfortunately there are women and babies who die in childbirth and I’m glad my son and I weren’t part of that statistic but we could have been. Every day I am happy that my son is alive, it’s what got me through. We are sold ideas about the perfect birth but it’s not a reality for many women. Make sure you get the help you need to pull through this, you and your baby deserve it.

My ds is nearly 20 & I'm still beating myself up about his birth. Was admitted with pre eclampsia at 36+3, was induced, spent 60 hours in induced labour for my induction to fail, I got to 8cm for it to go back to 5cm. Had an emcs, everything that could go wrong, did go wrong, had a massive pph, the theatre looked like a slaughter house, they had to fetch someone in to mop the floor before they could take me to High dependency. Ds was born at 6.22pm, my mum, husband & all the family who visited me after went home & I started being really ill, my kidneys & liver started failing, I had Hellp syndrome, I was terrified & begged for the nurse to get my husband & parents back but they refused, the nursing care was terrible. My mum came back the morning after to find me still in my bloodstained theatre gown sat in a pool of blood on an incontinence pad, she went mad with the staff & to wash & change me & help me put on a maternity pad & pants. Ds was screaming to be fed, so she asked for a bottle for him, the staff refused saying I had to breast feed him, at this stage I was barely conscious, I was off my head on all the drugs they had given me & morphine, he didn't get a feed for 48 hours when I finally got my voice back & demanded a bottle for him. I felt I hadn't been listened to or cared for, no wonder I ended up suicidal with PND.

In the nicest way possible, what on earth could you have done differently! Imagine if someone else told you that story. I think you were very brave for not demanding a c section after all you went through.

The birth debrief will really help I think.

Oh my goodness @Nat6999 that is absolutely appalling treatment you received! Unbelievable, I'm so furious on your behalf! Glad you and DC survived!

You didn't do anything wrong!

Every birth is different. I had one took 3 days, ended with epidural and suction thing. Another quick, with gas. If I had to be 'prouder' of myself for one I would definately say the longer one, it was a tough birth. Feel proud of yourself.

X

Oh sweetheart. It's not your fault. None of it. Sounds like you had poor care. Have you asked for a birth debrief? That might be helpful.

Have you recovered physically from the birth? I hope so. Is your dc ok?

Nobody remembers their birth. The kind of mum you are now is much more important.

Sending you hugs.

Fuck that shit. You did nothing, nothing wrong.

I think sometimes we are set up to fail in regards to birth. Not sure if they still do birth plans but my 1st time and 2nd time didn't go how I thought. I gave birth on my back I actually refused to move for 11 hours they tried getting me in different positions but I just couldn't bare it. I also asked for a water birth but couldn't because baby had to be monitored. It was exhausting and I didn't feel exhilarated by it. 2nd time I asked for water birth again, but he came so fast I couldn't get my head around it, ended up having a few panic attacks straight after birth (probably the hormones) and bounced for a year back and forth in mbu's due to pnd. Don't be so hard on yourself, I think like others have said the weird TV programmes/adverts showing birth to be something it isn't is just wrong alongside birth plans really, there's no point to them just feels like another added pressure.

Try not to be so hard on yourself, is there a right way? I'm sure you're an amazing mother, I don't think your traumatic birth experience has tainted that part of it all. But I agree a debrief will be very helpful. Hope you can gain some reassurance on here that you're not on your own x