Did I do birth ‘wrong’?

[The3rdWatermelon]

My baby is 11 months old and I’m still beating myself up at least once a day about her birth. I have a diagnosis of PND and am on the waiting list for a birth debrief. I’m getting better, but this one thought is just hanging on.

I feel like I did the birth wrong.

I was having contractions on and off for two days before I was told to come into hospital. When I got there I waited several hours and was then moved into the delivery room. I had another 8 hours of increasing contractions before they told me I’d be given the drip to get things moving as I’d been stuck at 5cm dilated. They broke my waters for me. The gas and air did nothing for me, I hadn’t slept properly for 3 days and I was exhausted so I asked for the epidural. I’d been on my back most of the time in the delivery room. I desperately didn’t want to labour on my back but every time I got into a different position the room started spinning, and getting on my hands and knees made me immediately start vomiting. I managed to stand for a while before they brought in the epidural but it made no difference and I was so tired I started disassociating.

After I got to 10cm with the help of the drip I pushed for 90 minutes with absolutely no results. I was taken to theatre to prepare for a c section, but moving on the trolley seemed to shift something and baby started to move down. I ended up giving birth with forceps on the operating table. Shoulder dystocia, placenta had to be manually removed, post parting haemorrhage, blah blah blah. Left me with retained tissue that didn’t clear itself for another 9 months. I then got double mastitis twice in the first month and had to stop breastfeeding.

All in all I still feel like I failed at every step. I keep thinking if I’d just tried harder, gritted my teeth to get in a better position, put more effort into pushing, tried harder with breastfeeding… I don’t know, maybe id be a better mum somehow? I’ve just been reading the thread about how hospitals are portrayed on TV, and the posts about how women are always shown giving birth on their backs even though they don’t ‘naturally’ do that.

I had IVF to get pregnant and I feel very much like the entirety of conception, pregnancy and birth was done TO me.

I guess I’m just looking for some reassurance that if I’d somehow managed to “try harder” it wouldn’t have changed anything?

I know how you feel. I didn’t have the birth I wanted either. I planned to have an all natural water birth but ended up needing to be induced. This made my contractions come one after another with no breaks at all and I couldn’t cope with the pain. I couldn’t move at all let alone get into the birthing pool. I ended up having gas and air and diamorphine which made me so tired and out of it I struggled to push correctly. The midwife actually told me that I wasn’t trying and was doing it wrong and making the baby tired which made me feel like a rubbish mum before he’d even been born! After over 2 hours of pushing he was eventually born after I was given an episiotomy which made recovery a lot worse for me. I did have to grieve the birth I wanted for a while but eventually realised I have healthy son which is the only thing that really matters.

You didn’t do anything wrong at all. Birth is really hard and often doesn’t work out the way people want for a variety of reasons such as the baby’s position or size which are completely out of your control. As long as the baby arrives safely the way it happens really isn’t as important as people make out.

I’m sorry you had such a shit time. Birth can be really shit sometimes, often due to a cascade of hospital interventions. Your experience isn’t unusual unfortunately, although I wouldn’t say you were neglected and let down, equally it’s definitely nothing you did wrong. You did everything, and it sounds like a likely fetal malposition. The forceps was obviously appropriate based on baby’s position, and unfortunately risk factors for that are shoulder dystocia and PPH.

I hope you get your debrief soon and it gives you some peace and more understanding of what happened.

I had/have somewhat similar feelings, took me over a year to stop thinking about the birth every time I got in the shower, playing it over in my mind. My daughter is nearly 4 now and now i have gone the other way, I don't want to think about it. Makes me anxious.

I’m pregnant again and my consultant wants me to get a debrief and sign myself up for talking therapy. I have the debrief booked but honestly, I almost feel like I don’t want to know. Like I’ve accepted it now and I just don’t want to open up the Pandora’s box. Probably should have had the debrief a lot earlier but I had my baby during covid and just spent a lot of time by ourselves the two of us. I think I just repressed it! So it’s probably good you’re having yours soon.

my baby also had shoulder dystocia and the birth had a ‘cascade of interventions’ as somebody put it above.

sorry to go on! But i just wanted to show solidarity really

Oh god, so much of that tallys with my experience too. Felt like I could have written much of your post. @Strawberrycheesecake7

Sorry that last post was to @Strawberrycheesecake7

You did nothing wrong. Please also do not blame yourself for being in a hospital where there were interventions. I have a young relative born at a birth center. When it went wrong there was no operating theatre and they have brain damage.

My first birth was like this, a forceps horror show ending up with an emergency trip to theatre, transfusion, prolonged recovery etc

I had my 3rd baby standing up in the MLU with 0 pain relief

Honestly I did nothing different it was pure luck (don't listen to anyone go tells you different!)

I had a very similar birth with third. Induction, taken for an emergency section but he was already down the birth cannel in the time it took, forceps delivery. All it did was remind me how risky child birth is and that people (men particularly) seem to forget this. Your baby was here safe and you are safe. Remember this and don't beat yourself about it. I had two "normal births" and an elective section since. It's all a part of birth and the risks that go with it

there is no 'wrong' way to give birth... you are here, baby is here - all is good

birth is a huge miracle. in the modern day we expect it to go smoothly, but it is a process that once it starts, it can't really be controlled.

traumatic births happen. there is nothing in what you have said that makes me think you have had a poorly managed birth or made any wrong decisions (I am an anaesthetist with many years of experience in the labour ward). sometimes it's just difficult and complications happen. thankfully with modern medicine we can minimise the risk or treat them.

You have done brilliantly with the hand you were dealt. You are amazing and you are the best mum for your child that they could possibly have. Be kind to yourself. ❤️

You did nothing wrong. It sounds like a long and difficult labour and they happen, not because you did something wrong or were in the wrong position. My first was very similar and I felt like you for years, especially when post partum a midwife made a comment about how of course I'd needed forceps because I'd had an epidural....as if that was a selfish choice rather than a medical recommendation due to extreme exhaustion from being in labour for so long.

I was so worried about having my second baby who turned out to be smaller and came out so easily. I realised it wasn't my fault and that actually my first baby was huge and stuck. I am thankful for the forceps delivery and medical intervention because without it, if we lived somewhere without medical care, then neither of us would have survived.

I hope reading all these women who agree that you did nothing wrong helps.

It’s a bit of a lottery, I think. I had a slow erratic labour. The midwife broke my waters, which ramped up my contractions massively, but I couldn’t seem to progress beyond 8cm and ended up having an emergency c-section. The surgeon told me that my baby was back to back. She was also a bit big compared to me.

For a while, I felt as though I’d failed, especially as my medical notes give the reason for my caesarean as “failure to progress in labour”, but I’ve realised that there isn’t much I could have done differently. My sister went into labour at exactly 37 weeks and gave birth to a small baby after a very short, intense labour. She didn’t choose that - it just happened.

I 100% promise you’ve done nothing wrong.

When you get talking to other women who’ve had babies you come to realise how common things like this happen. Not that it makes it any easier to cope with bare in mind.

There’s so much online about hypnobirthing, birthing positions, say no to epidurals etc - it messes with your perception of what labour can look like. We have to remember these people create social media content for the likes, comments etc.

I think I’ve come to see delivering a baby as a means to an end and we just have to get it out as safely as possible for us, I found it easier to compartmentalise it like that.

Turn it around. Imagine I'm you're friend. I wanted this magical water birth, but DS just wouldn't come out. I had to have forceps delivery with epidural, had 3rd degree cuts. I didn't produce much milk so my DS only slept for 90 mins at a time for 7 months as I wouldn't stop breastfeeding due to such bad guilt.
Do you think I failed? Genuinely I want you to answer 😊

My first birth was similar to yours and I'm struggling to see were you think you failed or what went wrong.

I think women are generally sold a massive great lie about child birth. Child birth is a brutal, dangerous process that has killed millions of women and their babies across human history. I remember birth feeling like being on a runaway train, it will take whatever direction it wanted and I was just a passenger going with it.

And congratulations on your baby OP 😊

Hi there, I am a NHS midwife working on the labour ward. You have done nothing wrong. I always say to my women that 1. First babies are notorious trouble makers 2. Labour is unpredictable. How many times have I gone home at the end of my shift thinking that the woman I handed over to the next midwife will have a Caesarean only to find out the woman had a normal delivery. And how often I thought the woman would sail through labour only for her to end up with a Caesarean. I always say to my clients that how long a woman's labour is going to last depends on the size and position of the baby and size and shape of the woman's pelvis. The combinations are endless and women still die of obstructed labour in many parts of the world. A prolonged latent stage and stalled labour is often the sign of malpositined baby (or combination of a big and malpositined baby). Don't beat yourself up for being too exhausted to labour in the upright position or choosing an epidural. I am not convinced any medical complications are anyone's fault, those things do happen. I always say to women after instrumental delivery that the only good thing about it is if they are ever brave enough to try for another baby the 2nd labour and birth are usually a lot easier. The only difference the hospital staff could have potentially made is offering you more breastfeeding support. However with the shortage of midwives the breastfeeding support is often at the bottom of the midwife's list of priorities. I hope the debriefing session will help. In my professional opinion you have done nothing wrong. I hope it helps

I have had 3 labours. My first was 4 days. Like yours slow not progressing forceps complicated after. My second I didn't even loose a night sleep he came so fast. Honestly the difference in moving about and pushing out a baby when you are already exhausted after days of no sleep is not your fault. All labours are different and honestly some are easier than others it's not about how strong you were or what you can endure compared to anyone else. I was utterly shocked at how easy my second labour was, I didn't even get gas and air. my third was again crap i needed all the drugs and ended in emergency c section. I was no stronger or better for any of them they were just different labours.

YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.

You poor thing. I remember feeling disassociated and out of it due to pethidine when I had DS and I wanted to labour squatting or on all fours but they wouldn’t let me because I had a heart monitor on for the baby so had to stay on my back. I was lucky, it was a fast one, and I just ended up with stitches, but I do remember that feeling of being outside of things and not in control.
It made me feel very grateful that we both made it through. In the past or in another country, it would be so easy not to. You need gentle care and listening to. Treat yourself with generosity, you went through a brutal experience and came out of it a mother. It’s our equivalent of battle, and you survived.

You cant do birth wrong. You and baby are here and well, please focus on that.

You didn't fail sweetheart!!! You did everything right! Can't say the same about the professionals who were caring for you, sadly.
Please stop being hard on yourself!
I have similar feelings about my childbirth - but i've come to realise I did everything I could, and I think the professionals made some terrible decisions. Baby & I are lucky to be alive in the light of those decisions.

Sadly they never prepare you for actual birth so we’re left feeling we did it “wrong” when we didn’t get the text book experience. You did it right, and baby is here. You’re amazing and your body did an amazing thing.

You are an amazing woman and you definitely did the birth and dealing with everything that happened to you 'right'

Thank you everyone who has replied to this. It’s both comforting and really hard to read and I’ve had a really good cry over it.

It’s interesting to read so many suggestions of malpresentation. The thought that there could have been a real physical reason we needed so much help (rather than that I was somehow weak or lazy) is quite comforting.

I should clarify, I don’t think I was let down by the hospital staff. I struggled to communicate because of how out of it I was feeling. In hindsight I wish I had explained to them sooner that I felt like I was watching myself on TV, but I didn’t know what to expect and by the time I was really out of it I couldn’t express it. I also don’t think that anyone else who experienced difficulties with birth has failed in any way. Other women’s stories leave me in awe at how strong they are to get through that, but I don’t seem to have reached a point where I can apply that to myself yet. My brain gives me words like “lazy” and “weak” for myself instead.

Thank you so much for all the responses.

You're both here and both (hopefully) healthy.

You can't change anything in the past. Focus on what you did achieve and stop beating yourself up.