Traumatised after a "beautiful, natural birth" - please help!

[retrodolly]

Am I overreacting? Why can't I forget about what happened?
16 days later, I can't come to terms with the "beautiful, natural birth" experience. Its hard for me to write about it even now without crying. I've had very high blood pressure since the birth (upto 163/115) after all my life being boringly 120/80 and am now on BP meds. Possibly my feelings about the birth are the cause?

Briefly - after 2 days of contractions - it all happened in 8 hours. I was in too much pain to yell anything more than "Rub!" to my husband who was massaging my back but begged for an epidural or stronger pain relief. But G&A was all I got and it didn't really work, I wasn't even high. It took half hour of pushing. I ended up with 2nd degree tears, mostly internal, terrible hemorrhoids (sorry, sorry... TMI) and my worst nightmare (being in stirrups, stitched up and feeling everything). 2 wks later, it still hurts and I can't sit comfortably.

I love my baby and holding her in my arms is wonderful. But I remember she was blue and limp when she came out, though she revived and was crying in minutes, it terrified me.

All of this was what I feared, why I didn't want a "natural no pain-relief" birth, why I was keen on a CS (docs said no as I was low-risk). Why did I have to go through this? I feel so angry and helpless.

xx

I totatlly know where ur coming from....my birth was similar and I get hyper when someone mentions about me having another baby......could only do so if it were definite c-section

I had a fairly easy time, G&A, then epidural, and forceps (knackered!).
However, for a few months after, i'd get flashbacks to the smell of the pipe which supplied the G&A, and i was right back there, so i can well understand where you're coming from.
Giving birth is quite a shocking experience, and if you're feeling freaked, then you should talk to someone - if you'd had an accident, you'd not be hesitating to seek help, and no-one would tell you to just put it behind you.
on a good note, you're bonding with your daughter, so congrats there.
hope you feel better soon.

Why didn't you get an epidural?? My first birth three years ago was very similar to yours, all I can remember is feeling like a small animal who's hit by a car and is dying on the side of the road. Nice natural birth! And mind you, I got an epidural -which was Godsend- but damage in my mind was done. What's "beautiful" in being in so much pain you lose consciousness! I also tore badly and was in pain six weeks afterwards. Frankly, I felt discusted and cheated that no-one told me about the level of pain expected and it was very hard to bond with my baby at first. Obviously, I now think she was worth it and much more. I'm pregnant again and saw my midwife last week, who, without asking anything suggested I should go to their new "birthing centre" to give birth. I wanted to hit her!! I'm going to the hospital and demand an epidural before entering the building! All this "natural, beautiful birth" hype is making me ill, very good for some women, but the victims are those first timers who don't know what they are getting into.

Ah Retrodolly - I am of the opinion that all birth experiences are traumatic first time round because you don't know what's going to happen. Honestly second time around you feel that 'well I've had my worst case scenario already, how bad could it be' for the next one.

However it does sound like you have an undiagnosed birth phobia that you need to talk to someone about. Contact your hospital and ask if they have a birth afterthoughts service. You can go through your notes with a midwife and for me, it was very helpful in putting some of it to bed.

Time is also helpful, for a few months post partum you really are dancing on a hormonal knife edge, you are knackered, emotional, unsure of yourself etc. But it does get better.

I am so sorry you had such a bad experience. After my first labour I felt like I had been through a war zone. I was like a zombie for days. I gave birth in a private hospital so was lucky to get pain relief but it didn't work properly and I felt very out of control in the whole experience (was also induced with drip and my daughter was born with ventouse after 22 hours in hospital). Would you be able to talk to the midwifes who were there? Because I had a long and quite difficult experience the midwifes who helped me came to see me afterwards and told me to come and see them anytime to talk about it as they didn't want me to have nightmares about it. You should definitely try to talk to someone.

I'm waiting for my next labour to kick off (am 40+1 now) and have been thinking a lot about how I would like this birth experience to be. But you never know how things are going to turn out! But I really hope it will be a less frightening experience.

Take care and good luck! Most of all try to enjoy your little baby, these first few months are so special and will go by so quickly.

HUGS to all of you!
Honoria and Enid, you're both right. It is unbelievable that this remains the only area in medicine where such high levels of pain are considered acceptable. And about the "rite of passage" attitude.

No, it wasn't a beautiful experience but it could have been. 2 weeks before the birth i.e. too late, I learned about the Jeyarani and Hypnobirthing techniques. Had I done these courses very early on, possibly I could have had a positive birthing experience? Who knows.

Just remembered another thing. Its awful being stitched up at all, and then the MW stitched me "too tight" so at 4AM I was walked back up to the labour ward to be re-stitched by a Doc -- good grief!!

xxxx

oh retro - that's awful about the stitching. Glad this thread has helped you though

I have seen enough on here to realise that there are lots of women who really struggle with what feels a totally brutal, traumatic experience as set against our current expectations of having it as a life-affirming experience.

I think it has alot to do with the improvements in modern medicine; we pretty much know we will be ok - in generations gone by women knew they could be facing death when having babies, and they had to make their peace with that idea so I am sure that having a wonderful, transfiguring experience just was NOT in the equation

I am thinking of you and hope you come to terms with things - give yourself time to think about it all and TALK about it, and to accept that you have had a traumatic experience; as others have said

Ooh sympathies, my mw put in a couple of unneccessary stitches, then said something about "oops, I'll just whip those last two out, we want you to still have a sex life" no wonder those last two REALLY hurt, she was sewing me shut!

As a midwife I had two good natural birth experiences , but I definately feel that it helped to know what I was getting myself in for. I feel that for many a natural 'beautiful' birth is the ideal but for some that is the worst case scenario and an epidural is a must for them to have a good birth experience.
I do in general try to disuade women from having epidurals as they can cause so many problems down the line, but I am aware that for some women they are totally happy to accept the risks of epidurals as they feel that it is far better than the extreme pain of childbirth. Women who feel this way are often well read and understand what they are asking for. As far as I am concerned many women who feel like you would be better off having an early epidural and ending up with a ventous or forceps delivery, feeling in control and having less pain of labour. It is a real shame that the midwives did not respect that for you this would have been the best way and you have every right to feel bad about it. Hope you manage to come to terms with this soon and enjoy your baby.

Of course having an epidural does not necessarily mean that you would have had an instrumental delivery. Have just read my last post and thought maybe it sounded like it was a foregone conclusion, it is not.

retrodolly, just wanted to say hello. It is so impossible to get across to anyone else what birth can be like. I had a quick straightforward labour of about 2 hours but I did find it so hellish and so scary, it was like being hit with a brick wall of pain, and no time for any pain relief at all, g&A appeared not to work etc. What really got my goat for a long time afterwards was people who would hear how quick it all was and say 'oh, lucky you!' Lucky! F*ck! (of course I know what they mean). I felt like you about the midwife - she had a great reputation, but she was unfortunately wrong for me in personality and approach. I think your experience was much worse than mine but I do know something about what you mean (like the others here).

Firstly I'd say - cry as often as you need to, for as long as you need to. You are only 16 days into the postnatal period, that is a TINY amount of time given what you have experienced and the effects of birth. I found it helped to write it all down, but you may not find that helpful at all.

Secondly, I'd say that about 6 weeks after the birth, I felt an almost physical sensation of distance from the memories - as if they had been veiled slightly from me, and I could no longer actually flash back to the pain itself. That was quite odd, but I was able to move on. The first 6 weeks really felt like a series of hammer blows, physically and mentally.

Thirdly, I'd say that a year after the birth I felt able to recall it in a calm and even more positive way. I had a pregnancy scare shortly after that, however, and the anxiety came back. Like you, it helped to make some enquiries about Hypnobirthing courses.

I never have gone on to have another child, but wouldn't say that the reason was fear of birth. I hope that you find that things start to improve soon - but don't push yourself into a model of 'getting better every day' just because other people want you to be 'recovering' in a way they can applaud and understand. We feel for you.

I also had a Traumatic "Natural Birth". Large baby, turned his head, 4th Degree tear.

It took me a long time to get over it, it was not a positive experience, and it took me a while to bond with my son. I also had friends at Baby Groups who had emergancy cs and classed me as lucky as I had a natural birth.

My son is now 7 months, the pain does ease eventually, and it is worth it. I am also considering having another one and would be really keen to have another child and get that positive birth experience I crave for.

I did have lots of flashbacks and cried a lot, especially in the first few weeks when people said isn't he worth it. Well i was in so much pain, no he wasn't

Retro - you're amazing - give yourself some credit. Not only have you braved one of the most uniquely terrifying experiences a human being can experience, but you've come out of it lucid and mentally well enough to know that you need some support and to trust that there are people out here who will understand and want to help - I think that's better than a lot of new mums manage tbh.
My birth experience was v similar (11 hrs, 3 pushing, G&A only, then taken away last 20 mins...) but I was lucky to have a great delivery team who consulted me throughout which meant that I had to focus on something outside myself every now and then and felt in control, also I'd elected G&A only, so didn't feel denied anything. It seems to me that a common factor with this feeling of trauma is a sense of disempowerment - like the people who should have been supporting one of the most powerful things you can possibly do instead pulled the rug away at the crucial moment and left you feeling cheated and vulnerable. There won't be a fast or easy solution but as I said, at least you're aware how this might become a more complex negative issue and you've come to the right place for excellent advice.
On an entirely more superficial note (although the piles sufferers out there might not think so!) can I recommend the application of Green Baby cooling perineal gel to toilet paper, to facilitate wiping iykwim...sorry, WAY tmi I know, but really small things can make such a difference to your comfort levels and that helps the whole process of healing - and my god, it feels sooo goood!

oh retrodolly you poor thing the memory will fade with the pain over time.

I felt the same after DD1 I was "lucky" too 4hours 20 mins start to finish and it was terrifying. First I was told I wasn't in active labour was only 1cm dilated and to go home. When I had 3 contractions in 5 minutes they said I could stay in the labour room until morning as if they admitted me I would wake everyone else up I was making so much noise. They made me feel stupid like I was a drama queen making a fuss. I was left on the bed (or half way up it contorted in pain screaming the place down) it was only when they came to tell me to calm down a bit they had a look and found I was fully dilated and pushing. I just pushed like mad and DD1 shot out with her arm by her head and tore me badly too. Took nearly an hour to deliver the placenta I was almost having a spinal to get it out. Afterwards I had 5 MWs standing looking at my fanjo wondering how to stitch me up again (they got a doc). I think I went into shock for a few days, was in very hot horrible hospital with a juandiced baby who refused to feed.

I thought I would be better with DD2 having been through it all and I ahd a homebirth too but it all came back once those first contractions kicked in. 2 hours 30 mins that time but no stitches afterwards but I get so p*** off with people saying I was so lucky, I was in agony for every minute of those 2 1/2 hours, no let up in contractions at all.

For me childbirth isn't all serene and awe inspiring it is totally awful, I'm 20 weeks pregnant with my third and last now. I am fully aware of what it is going to be like and know I just have to get through it whatever way I can.

Retrodolly; I really hope you are beginning to feel a bit better and stronger, and well done for admitting that you were traumatised, and it's not at all surprising. Sounded absolutely horrible. I think everyone here has made very valid comments, not least that its the lack of control that you can feel during labour which is so scary and can lead to anger/upset/depression postnatally.

My birth 2 months ago was very different (OP baby, 5 days of strong and painful latent-phase contractions with no sleep, 19 hours on a syntocin drip, 2nd degree tearing, not bonding with my son initially etc) but I did have an epidural. I won't know the pain that you went through, and for that reason I am very lucky. However I did feel cheated, disappointed and even a failure because I had to have so much intervention. I also felt very let down by staff who failed to notice that I haemmorraged in the delivery room, paralysed and alone with my crying baby for 7 hours after birth; I wasn't given the blood transfusions I needed until 2 days later when they finally believed that feeling faint/weak was not actually in my imagination and took a blood count (again, very disempowering)! In the first few weeks I would cry at everything, was exhausted with the pain, and had constant flashbacks. My birth was described as 'natural and spontaneous'; nothing felt further from the the truth! I felt that I had to somehow prove/explain why my labour was traumatic. Beautiful - my ar$e (which certainly isn't, at least not anymore!)

What I will say is that I could not have been more positive about the 'birth experience' before it happened, and had almost been brain-washed that I'd just have to bounce around on a ball for a while, have my back massaged, suffer a few hours of aches and pains and then voila, I'd be presented with my baby, no doubt smelling of roses! Positive thinking sadly doesn't mean a positive experience.

Along with many other lovely mums on here, I think that, when you feel strong enough, it would be a really good idea to go through your notes with a midwife. For the time being though, be gentle with yourself, it's still such early days. Feel immensely proud that you got through such a horrible experience, and not only that but that you have a beautiful baby. You will feel better, physically and emotionally, and probably sooner than you can imagine.

Hxxxx