Traumatised after a "beautiful, natural birth" - please help!

[retrodolly]

Am I overreacting? Why can't I forget about what happened?
16 days later, I can't come to terms with the "beautiful, natural birth" experience. Its hard for me to write about it even now without crying. I've had very high blood pressure since the birth (upto 163/115) after all my life being boringly 120/80 and am now on BP meds. Possibly my feelings about the birth are the cause?

Briefly - after 2 days of contractions - it all happened in 8 hours. I was in too much pain to yell anything more than "Rub!" to my husband who was massaging my back but begged for an epidural or stronger pain relief. But G&A was all I got and it didn't really work, I wasn't even high. It took half hour of pushing. I ended up with 2nd degree tears, mostly internal, terrible hemorrhoids (sorry, sorry... TMI) and my worst nightmare (being in stirrups, stitched up and feeling everything). 2 wks later, it still hurts and I can't sit comfortably.

I love my baby and holding her in my arms is wonderful. But I remember she was blue and limp when she came out, though she revived and was crying in minutes, it terrified me.

All of this was what I feared, why I didn't want a "natural no pain-relief" birth, why I was keen on a CS (docs said no as I was low-risk). Why did I have to go through this? I feel so angry and helpless.

xx

Hi there - bumping for you - I too had a horrible experience 13 months ago with birth of ds2 so I have some idea of what you're going through, (though different) and it still bothers me and makes me . But, on a more positive note, have you asked the hospital if you can sit down with someone and discuss your notes? It might help to go through it with someone and talk through any issues you have. I didn't, but I know that people on here have so hope someone will be along to talk about it. Perhaps talk to your HV/GP and take it from there. Taking some control of the situation might help.

Failing that, I'm sure there are support groups who might be able to help. I think it's important to talk about it (even just on MN) to know that you're not alone, and others have been there and come out the other side.

I do hope you feel better soon and are enjoying life with your lovely new baby.

congratulations on the birth of you little girl.

I also had the 'perfect' home water birth with my dd2 - but it was far from perfect, and I can understand how you feel. Nothing prepares you for the pain does it? And the pain is very very frightening; added to that you didn't get the pain relief you needed - in no other area of medicine is such a high level of pain acceptable, without giving pain relief.

And of course the fear you felt when your baby was born blue and limp - that really is terrifying.

So no, you are not overreacting. You need time to recover - physically and emotionally - and talk through your feelings.

Birth Trauma Association

It is early days yet. Your hormones are still all over the place, you're still in pain and you're exhausted. It does get better. DS1's birth was horrid (10lb baby, 3rd degree tear) but the rawness faded pretty quickly as did the physical pain.

I feel for you- all 3 of my births went really well, so I can't really empathise, but I don't think you are overreacting, and I think you need to find a way to come to terms with it, as I think it can be a factor in developing pnd later if you don't. You should be able to make an appointment to go through what happened with your midwife, to try to understand better why certain decisions were made and to see your nirth experience through her eyes. Explain to her that you feel cheated out of the birth experience you wanted. She can hopefully give you some closure. Tell your HV how you feel. Speak to other mums. Don't listen to people who say "put it all behind you- you are lucky to have a beautiful baby"- of course you are, but you never forget your experiences of childbirth- mine are etched on the inside of my brain! Make sure you let them know how angry and helpless you felt- write a letter to the hospital. My friend had a traumatic birth experience in NZ, and there they have a review of the birth with the midwife a few days later, which really helped her, as she had missed the significance of things that were happening in the blur, and she realised why things had gone as they did. Hope you manage to get a similar closure. Or even an apology from the hospital, if one is warranted. Jx

Firstly, congratulations on your new arrival!

Secondly, I think this is completely normal to feel like this if you have experienced any kind of birth trauma or experienced a 'normal' deivery. Giving birth is such a huge thing to do and postnatally you are all over the place hormonally and not only have to deal with caring for a newborn but come to terms with how they arrived in the world.

I can remember have flashbacks for several months after the birth. I think I cried every day for atleast 6 weeks! One thing I found helpful was to go through my birthing notes with my midwife who talked me through the birth and why things happened how they did which helped to put things into context. She was also v sympathetic to me which helped as it validated all of my feelings.

You will forget over time, but please try not to dwell on what did happen and think about positive things that you have done on a daily basis.

There are people who are able to support you - are you still under midwife care or have you seen your HV? Are there any baby groups nearby? Do you have friends who have had children that you can talk to about it?

I felt like this too even though everything "went well" I had a 2nd degree tear and just g&a. I was so out of control I couldn't even think to ask for pain relief, to be honest I forgot there WAS any other kind of pain relief I just sucked on the g&a for dear life. I thought I was dying, and for weeks afterwards I would cry and get nightmares from time to time. It was the single most traumatic thing that had ever happened to me.

6 months on the forgetful hormones have truly kicked in and I can't remember vividly how bad it was but I still want either an early epidural next time or an elective section. I truly feel for you, I now some people say it isn't that bad, but sometimes it can be horrific and just because it all went well doesn't make your feelings any less valid.

Congratulations on your beautiful baby though. Even when it's horrendous, they're still worth every second of what it took to get them here. x

Poor you, you have my utmost sympathy.

Your delivery sounds so much like my own 1st pg, despite saying in the birth plan give me everything! Quick progression, bad tearing, awful pain (refused pain relief) and baby born floppy and blue. My stitches also didn't hold, incontinence problems and I got a womb infection, couldn't bf...the list just seemed to go on & on! It was dreadful.

Firstly, I would be open about your feelings, and if need be, see your gp if you even suspect you have pnd triggered by this. I thought give it time, but tbh I felt only felt better when I returned to work some 9m later!

Pamper yourself. Put tea tree oil and lavender oil in the bath as that will promote healing. You can ask HV/MW for a ring to sit on if still too sore to sit properly. Take arnica tablets/paracetamol for bruising and don't overdo the lifting with dc.

Use the birth trauma site.

Lots of ppl say also advise talking through your birth notes with mw at hospital. I thought what on earth do I want to do that for, I know what happened!

However, when I closed my eyes and plunged in by getting pg with my 2nd 2yrs later, I was referred to a consultant because of the problems I had (particularly the incontinence). Unbeknown to me my hospital notes had labelled the birth "traumatic". The mw who had attended me felt really bad and apologised I had had such a bad time. It made it somehow feel better, as if it wasn't just me being a wuss, things had gone wrong and they knew it.

The consultant offered me an ec but the mws advised against. To decide, I had to do tonnes of reading (and the stats are really reassuring for mums like us). I had of my choosing, a guaranteed epidural topped up all the way through. It was amazing, almost a pleasure to give birth to my 2nd child, and it laid to rest the problems of the 1st.

Sorry to witter on but I just wanted you to know that it does get better, you can go on to have a good delivery and you can always chat to us.

retro - your thread is an interesting one because in some ways I think it's very hard feel 'allowed' to feel traumatised by a normal birth.
The fact is, childbirth hurts like fuck! My first birth was in every sense, 'normal' ie midwife -led unit, just gas and air. But it was a long labour, second stage was nearly 3 hours and at the end I had the g and a taken away because it wasn't helping me push. The pain was excruciating - that's the only way I can describe it.
It's very early days for you. Give it time, and the memories will fade, and not be at the forefront of your mind. It may help to go through your notes with a midwife. The other thing to hold onto is that you did REALLY REALLY well to give birth with very little pain relief. A lot of women have told me that there's no way they give birth without an epidural - and you've achieved that! So whatever you choose for the future, epidural, CS, you have acheived the most incredible thing. I think it may take time, but you'll reach a point where you can acknwledge this and find it empowering.

Retrodolly - i felt exactly the same after my birth which sounds similar to yours, 10 hours, little pain relief and on a midwife led unit.

No real problems apart from not being able to push the little monkey's head out for about 4 hours but afterwards i didn't feel proud as promised, rather i felt traumatised and somewhat angry, tho who with i couldn't say.

After a few days of telling everyone that asked how horrific the pain was (and i swpre i wouldn't become one of those people that scare pregnant women!!) and moaning about it a lot - i feel much better.

I think it's a bit like having a post traumatic stress thing. It's only natural i think to get pissed off after being in that much pain!

I hope you feel better about it soon, i swore i never would but really do now.

keep talking.

definitely keep talking, your feelings are completely, completely valid. soupy's link is a good one. congratulations on your baby, and ignore anyone who tells you to forget about the labour as you do need to work through it in your head.

Thank you! Its amazing to hear from so many of you. Its sad that so many of us feel or have felt this way. I really haven't had anyone to talk to about it. DH and my mum were both present at the birth and in my view did nothing to help me. Before the birth their attitude was "it happens to all women, this is how its meant to be". And they think the MW at my birth (she was a trainee one at that) was lovely.

Did mention to the community MW (who's stopped visiting) that I'd like to see a counsellor. She said speak to your GP. Our local practice is in shambles tho, so I'll try contacting the Birth Trauma Assoc.
(thanks SOUPDRAGON for the link)

Ironically, they say you recover faster from a natural vs CS birth and are out of hospital sooner. But I was in for 5 days because DD looked a bit jaundiced. She had phototherapy and I had to BF in record 30min to get her back under the light, not to mention unable to sleep for worry. I know its no one's fault but can't help thinking if I hadn't been in such pain, so traumatised, I could have BF more and she wouldn't have got high bilirubin levels... But she's home now and thriving -- thank God!

I haven't looked up the BTA yet but I understand that it's not that rare to be truamatised by birth. My 2nd time was grim. The MWs were doing other things, there was no anaethasist, and I was told to take a warm shower. It was terrifying, and when the baby arrived I shook for about 2 hours. I still have the piles and they are going to be surgically removed. It bloody hurts, doesn't it.

I hope you start to feel better soon, and well done!

Don't beat yourself up about it. The jaundice is one of those things.... nothing you did wrong. It's a shame you don't feel your birthing partners helped you... I guess all sorts of emotions go through your head when your watching someone you love in labour, and maybe they just really didnt know how to help.
I think you're doing the right thing by trying to work things through. And imo, you will reach a point where you feel ok or even good about it - you just need to put some distance there.
FWIW, my first birth was honestly the one I felt best about, even though it was very painful. DD2 was a Csection under epidural, and therefore pain free, but I had all sorts of other emotions, such as feeling I hadnt 'given birth', fear as she was resucitated and in SCBU (she was prem). My third baby was VBAC and I felt very disempowered as I was made to deliver in a large hospital due to previous CS, and I felt very out of control.
I don't think a painful birth necessarily means a bad birth, it's more to do with how you are supported and allowed to feel empowered.

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hi there

you have had absolutely great words of wisdom here !

congratulations on the birth !

the one thing i cannot stress enough about birth trauma is that there is no level of trauma you have to reach before you are 'allowed' to feel traumatised

i would also recommend talking it through with a MW who can explain exactly what happened and why

particularly why you were not offered anything other than G&A

you will get through this, talk about it as much as you need to and allow yourslef to feel upset and sad if that is what you need. none of the negativity or distress you feel make you any less glad to have your daughter safe and sound.

Pruners - my midwife exclaimed as she examined me a couple of days after giving birth:
'My god, you look like someone's given you a good kicking down there!!!'
I was horrified! And way too scared to look!

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I totally second what belgo said -

'In no other area of medicine is such a high level of pain acceptable without giving pain relief'

I also agree with Lulu that just because nothing went dreadfully 'wrong' you are not allowed to feel traumatised; what you went through was an awful lot of pain followed by a loss of dignity for you.

Birth can be a brutal experience.

I think nowadays alot of pressure is put on women to A) do it 'right' and B) experience it as a rite of passage and some kind of wonderful experience

Great if it happens, but not if not!

Best wishes

you didnt have a beautiful natural birht experience

you had a traumatic horrid time. Please be very kind to yourself. You will recover in time but dont try to underestimate what you went through.

I've heard some good things about the birth crisis helpline. Do ring them.

amen, enid. who's told you that you had a beautiful natural birth? it sounds like it was very frightening and you felt very alone.

I've not read all of the posts, but just wanted to say that I'm really sorry you're feeling like this. I was in bits after the birth of DS1 (emergency c/s in the end), but all anyone wanted to say, was that DS1 was fine, and that was all that mattered. It wasn't to me!

Re the not sitting comfortably, and the piles, have you had everything checked to make sure it's all healing normally? I know at my 6 week check with DS2 I really believed that I was going to have to be referred for corrective surgery, but my GP said give it another 6 weeks first. Sure enough, all was pretty much fine by then. I had a bad tear and an episiotomy (I ripped up my bum ), so going to the loo was very traumatic for a while, and I had horrific piles to boot. I was prescribed emulgel (I think it's called that), which is a local anaesthetic. I used it before I went to the loo, and then afterwards, and it made everything pretty much pain free. I also used the piles cream, which did really help. Just make sure that you've got everything possible which might help. Are you bfing? If not, then take all the painkillers you can if you're in any pain, and even if you are bfing, you can still take paracemtamol and ibuprofen, so don't suffer when you don't have to.

I have to say that I felt pretty terrible after the birth of DS1, and it did take a long time to go away, but I was eventually diagnosed with PND. If you're worried that you might have this a few weeks down the line, talk to your GP/MW or HV. I'm sure that you will feel a lot brighter soon though, 16 days is quite a bad time. Some of the elation of the new baby has worn off, and you're just shattered, tearful and in pain.

i have seconds to spare, but I just wanted to send a cyber hug. I was where you are, I had a bad time of it too.
Its now a distant, if sad memory.
The website about traumatic birth will be a comfort to you.

xxxx

I had a somewhat similar birth experience to you, high blood pressure, induced, fast painful contractions, just G&A, which did help, but I wasn't allowed it during the pushing bit, which was very painful due to my contractions stopping and then having a drip. I was offered additional pain relief but I was too busy with the contractions at the time. Later on, I was told it was too late. I tore, I'm not happy with the way I was stitched up and I have suffered mild incontinence problems.

What strikes me about your OPost was that you were considering an elective caesarian section. Maybe I am wrong but it suggests to me that you were very concerned in advance of the birth, more than average - possibly even have a mild phobia. There is nothing wrong with this, one cannot help it, but it may mean that you were inevitably more liable to find the birth experience traumatic. Please don't misunderstand me - I am not saying that it was all in your mind, that you are over-sensitive or just 'fussing'. I am not a qualified person but I know it is a genuine problem/condition and your concerns should have been taken more seriously in advance. It is very difficult with a first birth because I don't think they do take you seriously. I felt like I was being told to be a 'good girl' and just go along with the flow.

I hope that you get the help you need and that things improve. It's not possible to really be in control of giving birth but, if you have another child, I hope you will be able to get them to take your fears seriously.

I just want to add (I'm a bit concerned that my previous post sounded a bit tactless) that I am in no way saying that what you went through was not traumatic. It was. Also, as others have said, every birth is traumatic and: 'there is no level of trauma you have to reach before you are 'allowed' to feel traumatised.'

I just felt from your post that you might have a genuine phobia as well. BTW, I have had PND. In my case, very little of it was as a result of the birth experience, rather it was to do with my personal circumstances and other traumatic events (including bereavement) which happened around the same time. In retrospect, it is very important to act quickly to stop things getting worse. Please don't try to soldier on, it doesn't go away. Take care.