This is my third baby, my earlier appointments have been fine but in the last few weeks I have been completely overwhelmed by a fear of unecessary interventions and giving birth in hospital, to the extent that I had what can only be described as a mini breakdown on the way to my GTT this morning so I turned around and went home.
First baby was your classic horror story birth. Induction, DS was the wrong way around, emergency c-section. Both me and DS were very poorly afterwards. I suffered with what I now know to be postnatal OCD afterwards. The worst thing about the whole process was that there were several instances where HCP did not seek consent or ignored me, most of the time I had no idea what was going on. For example my midwife carried on with an internal examination even though DH and I told her to stop because the propess had been removed because the last midwife didn't update my notes. She said she needed to make sure.
Second DS's birth in a different hospital was very different, I needed forceps at the end but the midwives I had were fantastic and kept me informed of what was going on. I did develop OCD again but after a positive experience with birth I felt empowered to seek help early on and got it.
Now I am at a different hospital again and I just can't shake the feeling that this hospital will be like the first. I assumed things would be more positive this time around because it's been 10 years since my csection and I have had a vbac in between. However my consultant came across very negative and referred me for internal scans, the sonogropher performing the scans was quite cross that this particular consultant kept referring women for these 'unecessary' scans. I think this is what has triggered the problem and I have started to question whether anything else outside of my midwife appointments is also unecessary.
I recieved a phone call the other day from the day unit because I missed a GTT, I didn't realise that I had been booked in for it but the midwife said they had been having problems with women not being notified so she booked me in for today. I've been in bits ever since to the extent that I tried to call up and cancel saying I simply did not want the test, but the midwife managed to talk me out of it. I don't know where all this has come from, I feel like if I had reduced movements I would absolutely be able to go in and I don't have a fear of birth itself or the pain. So I am just trying to get my head around what happened this morning and how I can get over this fear so that I can actually get through the hospital doors. The midwives have tried to call a couple of times since but I just could not pick up the phone. Has anyone else experienced this?