Tips to help me accept my births

[Hokafan]

Hi. Name changed for this.

Both my children were born by emergency c section following an induction. I still struggle to shake off the feelings of failure, and it’s made worse by a lack of understanding from friends and family about inductions and the cascade of interventions.

I was determined to avoid induction for my second birth to give the best change of a vaginal delivery. In the end, some health concerns meant I either chose induction or risked my baby’s health so I ended up going for
the induction in the hope that the outcome would be different. Of course, it wasn’t.

Both times, my babies reacted badly to the induction and concerns over their heart rate led to emergency sections.

I’ve had comments from family such as ‘have they told you that your pelvis is too narrow’ or ‘was it because their heads were too big’ and even ‘maybe you just can’t give birth normally’ 😡

How do I deal with this ignorance? I think the first step is probably to make peace with it myself, but I don’t know how.

Anyone in the same position, or have any advice?

Thank you.

I don't know if this is a helpful attitude or not...But seriously how does it matter which exit route was used??? You are their mother. You carried them for 9 months. You then mothered them and cared for them from birth onwards. The birth is such a tiny part of all that!

I don't love my boys less than my eldest (she was a vaginal delivery, they were c section). I'm no less to them, and they're no less to me. Our relationship is built on so much more than one day!

Personally, I prefer a vaginal delivery because on average recovery is shorter/easier. I don't like being in hospital. But although my DD had an easier birth, that was luck, not me being "successful". I didn't "fail" my boys, I acted on medical advice to give them the safest birth. That's being a parent - considering what is in the best interests of your child. You presumably did the same. How can anyone consider you a failure when you were prepared to undergo surgery/recovery for the sake of your child?

Presumably your family are just curious. Assuming they are generally supportive/pleasant, I'd just be as short and factual as possible. "No" is an answer - you don't have to give more information. If they aren't generally supportive.... then you don't have to be either! Just cut them off when they start talking and tell them it's private and you'd rather talk about something else. Repeat as required.

I struggled to get over the interventions I experienced during the birth of my first child. The hospital I used had an "after thoughts" service with a midwife which I took up. During the appointment they talked through the notes and helped me understand what had happened and why. In my sleep deprived and stressed haze there were details I hadn't taken in, and I found it really helpful to organise my thoughts and feelings. Perhaps look into whether your hospital offers anything similar?

I remember feeling that after ds1 birth. You can try validate your feelings, and it is ok to feel robbed of that beautiful birth we all heard off.

I have also had a debrief with a consultant midwife. It was refreshing to hear what other people thought about my birth and a relief to hear professional agree it was very hard. What I felt made sense to them.

I'm not going to lie but the hardest part of all my births, was healed by a dream. I understood and saw things more clearer in that dream.

Maybe because I had a C-section due to baby’s head being too big and not able to drop down I don’t find some of the questions that ignorant. They just sound curious and if they’re normally supportive I’d let it go. If you don’t want to talk about it then just state clearly you don’t.

I’m sorry you didn’t have the births you envisaged but like previous poster said you don’t have any different bond with your child because of the method of birth. You’re still their loving mother.

There’s always a lot of invasive curiosity about giving birth isn’t there!!

I’ve experienced both unmedicated / natural childbirth and also an ELCS. Both came with their challenges, they were different, but they were both equally special and I felt proud of myself after both of them.

My first baby was natural, I had the birth pool, the tea lights, the who shebang. And it was magical. But it ended up a ventouse, episiotomy and my baby DD was in hospital 3 days later and I thought I was going to have a breakdown over the stress.

My second baby was an ELCS due to concerns over their size. I panicked every day leading up to it, freaked out, hyperventilated and honestly felt like an animal backed into a cage. The moment I lay down after the spinal it all melted away and meeting DS was just as magical as I could have hoped.

Both births had their challenges, their ups, their downs, their magical moments, their insanely stressful moments but they were my births and I’m so proud of myself for getting through them. And you should be too 🩵