Being pregnant, giving birth and having children terrifies me

[Fakirek]

My partner and I are both in our thirties, and we live comfortably in a nice house. We both work full-time and enjoy being able to afford holidays, nice clothes, and going out. We're getting married this year, and my partner has been mentioning that we should try for a baby after the wedding because, in his opinion, "I'm getting on." (I'm 35 and he's 33).

I understand where he's coming from since I'm not getting any younger, but I'm not sure if I want a child. While I think it would be nice to have a child (or children) and watch them grow and achieve their goals, the idea of pregnancy and giving birth terrifies me. It's just bloody horrible. I don't feel like I have a strong maternal instinct, and I value my freedom and independence. Having a child would mean sleepless nights, constant feeding and nappy changing, being exhausted and financially strained.

Moreover, I won't have any family support nearby, and this makes me apprehensive about having children.
I'm wondering if there are mothers out there who felt similarly to me but ultimately decided to have children. Did you regret your decision, or did it change your mind, and you loved it? I'm seeking advice and experiences from other mothers who may have been in my shoes.

Don’t have children if they’re not your priority. I adore mine and would die for them. But they have changed my life irreversibly, and mean that I can’t do some things l love. I’d be horribly resentful of that if children wasn’t my absolute priority.

It doesn’t sound like you want kids. I wouldn’t have them if I were you. If you want to hear from people who do regret it look at the regretful parents subreddit

Having children or not is a conversation you really need to have before you get married. It's not something you just drop into conversation.

Only have a child if you're 100% certain it's what you want. It means giving up your entire life as you know it and prioritising someone else and their needs. Only do it if your relationship is strong enough to survive you and your partner not prioritising each other for a good few years.

I felt like you do. I changed my mind and started to want children. I had them, and it was even scarier than I thought it would be. Pregnancy and birth are horrendous. Worse than they make out. I'm very glad to have my children but it's not always easy.

It is not compulsory to have children, if you don’t want them don’t have them but I’m amazed you haven’t had this conversation with your soon to be husband.

It’s perfectly reasonable not to want children — a significant and growing minority of people don’t. But talk seriously to your partner about this before you marry.

And Mn is full of people who moved from being contently childfree or ambivalent to choosing to have a child. There are lots of threads on this. I (as someone who planned to stay childfree but then chose to have a child aged 39) don’t think it makes the slightest difference to your suitability to parent, or your happiness while raising a child.

If it’s just the being pregnant and giving birth bit that terrifies you then that’s okay, it’s only a short period of your life, you can handle it.

However if you’re not really keen on having children long term then you shouldn’t ignore that.

I never had the maternal “urge” like some people do, but when I was approaching 30 I did feel like I could see my future with children in it. I have a 2 year old now.

It has been extremely hard work and if you’re not sure I wouldn’t recommend it without family support in all honesty.

I’m very lucky to have my parents nearby. My mum looks after him 2 days a week. And we see them at the weekend, it’s just so nice to have adult company, help entertaining the child, and seeing the lovely relationship between my son and people who love him as much as we do is one of the best parts.

I think you need to have a serous conversation before you get married. It’s a huge commitment, not just something you throw into conversation.

The casualness makes me think that your fiancé has no concept of the huge impact it would have on you. Physically, emotionally, financially. It’s a massive decision.

If you don’t want children then don’t have them, it’s a perfectly respectable and valid life choice.

What is not on is not having this conversation with your partner before this. Do not marry him without laying your cards on the table.

So true. It boggles my mind that people are with each many years before talking about this fundamental decision. And if your maternal
instinct alarm isn’t sounding loudly by age 35 I’d suggest that you stick to your nice life and holidays, because trust me, it’s not the childbirth that will be the shocker...

Please don’t marry your husband without discussing this with him. Isn’t fair to mislead him into a life if he’s expecting a different life.

It’s also unfair of him to assume she will bear his children without ever actually asking her

All of your reasons are completely sensible. Having DC is tough, especially if you have a job and a lifestyle you love and care about and no local family support. I really wished I had grasped this more before having DC. It wouldn’t have changed my decision but gosh I was naive how hard the juggle is, both practically and emotionally.

But you really, really need to discuss this before you get married. Do not sleep walk into either having, or not having children.

Defo agree with PPs saying to please have this conversation with your DP before marrying him. It is hugely unfair to have him marry you under a false pretence of what your future looks like.

FWIW I wouldn't say I enjoyed being pregnant but it didn't hurt, I wasn't sick, I had no complaints generally. Giving birth hurt but I didn't hate it and I ended up being super proud of myself and my body for the first time in my life after it.

Have you really not had this conversation with him? Good grief. It sounds as though he wants children. It would be very, very unfair to marry him.

He’s clearly already expressed his want for a baby

Pregnancy and birth are nothing to be scared of, but motherhood is HARD. You need to be really in it.

Of course sometimes people surprise themselves with how they take to it, but definitely not always the case.

You need to hash this out with your partner before you get married as a matter of great importance!

I wasn't maternal. I was more than happy waiting 5+ more years to have a baby (and thought I could be happy without ever having one tbh) but my husband had been ready for a couple of years and was desperate for us to have a baby.

It's the nicest thing. I can't believe I wasn't sure. Birth was okay. 2 days after I didn't even feel like I'd given birth. I was surprised how quickly I healed despite needing stiches it wasn't at all as bad as I imagined it would be.

You need to be honest with your partner and work out now if you want to have children you can't go into marriage having not had the children talk.

What you've written is all true. Those things will happen when you have kids. Don't have them if u don't want to.

It's really hard to talk about mothers regretting their decision to have a child because in the main you don't wish away a child that already exists. It may be hard but mostly you end up not being able to imagine life without them. The biological instinct to protect and nurture is strong. It also in the main overrides all and any practical concerns, such as the disruption it causes to your life and your body. Oftentimes having a child is not a particularly logical decision. If you feel your maternal instinct is a bit weak, this definitely needs some thinking about and yes I agree with all other pps that such a life changing decision should be discussed before marriage.

I didn't want kids, for years. Then i was on the fence for a while.

Ultimately we went for it in our mid 30's and now have a toddler - who is the BEST thing I ever did with my life.

It hasn't all been easy or plain sailing, but I have absolutely zero regrets about having her. It probably helps that my husband is massively hands on with child rearing and housework.

I agree that you cannot get married without discussing this seriously.

P.s. I did not have a strong maternal instinct at all, but it was crazy how it kicked in for me when my daughter was born. And now I look at all babies in a completely different way to be honest. Nature is amazing!

I agree with Mmmmpavlova 100%.

I was v late 30s when I had a baby. Now 18 months in. So far it's the best thing I've ever done and I wish I hadn't waited so long. May have left it too late for baby no 2 - who knows.

I suffered a bit in pregnancy, but things improved a lot after the first trimester. Quite enjoyed being pregnant once the feeling of nausea subsided and the morning sickness stopped.

Childbirth was far easier than I'd anticipated, though I appreciate that not everyone has that experience.

I spent far too long reading articles by women who regretted having children. In some ways that meant that the hard work didn't come as a shock, but on the other hand it meant that I delayed starting a family longer than was probably wise.

That said, my child appears to be neurotypical with no physical issues. I imagine it would be a very different experience with a child who had additional needs.

I am genuinely pleased to hear that your experience turned out to be even better than what you had initially anticipated. It's always a hopeful thought that my own experience will be just as positive. The more I reflect on the topic of having children, the more I come to realize that the multitude of joys and occasional worries that come with parenthood far outweigh any feelings of regret one might have from not having children at all.", I'm very pleased to hear they you're experiencing was far better than what you might have anticipated. Fingers crossed, I'll be able to say the same.

The more I think about, the more I realise that having children and experiencing all the joys (and worries) far outweighs the feeling of regret of not having them at all.

This was totally me. It wasn’t so much the independence I didn’t want to lose but I definitely didn’t have a maternal bone in my body and my main issue was the massive fear of being pregnant, only topped by my fear of giving birth. It wasn’t a fear like ‘oh I’m a bit scared’, it was like an absolutely no way, never doing it thing. Like the same way any ‘normal’ person would view the thought of jumping off a cliff. It isn’t something that anyone can talk you into, you just know it’s a terrible idea. I decided that my main fear really was the birth and not the pregnancy but had heard such awful things about being pregnant. I think it was the pandemic or something that made me change my mind but I literally woke up one day and ‘needed’ a baby all of a sudden. After a few months I got pregnant and I’d had loads of negative tests before but when I saw the test was positive I was happy for about 0.3 seconds then thought ‘oh my god I’m going to need to have this baby’ 🙈

From very early on I requested an elective section. The midwives tried to brush it off each time and said everyone feels that way at first but it wasn’t until I was just over half way and started crying in an appointment that they actually took me seriously. It was keeping me up at night and I kept dreaming that the consultant said no then waking up in a panic. Long story short, I got my section. The pregnancy was so unbelievably fine, I really didn’t have any pain at all. It was a breeze. I was so focused on not going into labour before my section though so that ruined the second half of it completely but physically it wasn’t a problem. The section was amazing, so straightforward and virtually painless. The recovery was a bit tricky for the first week, mainly just getting out of bed and trying to look after a baby when you have to move ultra slow. It was fine though! After about 2/3 months of maybe getting up once per night max some nights, we got into a routine and baby has slept pretty much all night every night since 😊 I have no horror stories and every day I think how glad I am that I decided to do it or I would have missed out on all of this. If I can do it you 100% can! And.. I’m doing it all again, that’s how good it was 😂