Any doulas around? I'm going to be my sister's birth partner - tell me how to be a really good one!

[Olihan]

My dsis' first baby is due in 6 weeks time and she's asked me to be her second birth partner, along with her dp.

What can I do to be useful, supportive, etc without taking over?

I've had 3 dcs but have no idea what howto be someone's birth partner. I only had dh!

Any advice would be much appreciated.

talk to her in detail about what she wants, her hopes, fears , expectations... and try not to project your own experiences on to her! you are there to support her, to keep her and DH going ,to tell them the mooing noises and wanting to go home are normal !!!

if she likes being touched, then back or leg rubbing can be soothing.. offering sips of water, bendy straws are great, energy tablets too!

and just do what she needs you to do !

she might want nothing more than for you to be in the room, or for you to be really involved and doing stuff

what she needs on the day might be different to what you discussed, so play it by ear and just follow her cues

she might be adamant she does not want pain releif , but then decides she does and you can help her feel supported and empowered when her plans change...

it means her Dh can go for a break or for a wee without worrying about leaving her alone too which is great

don;t forget to pack a bag for yourself, especially for a first labour, clean clotehs and underwear, wet wipes, a comb, sweets and snacks , change and a mobile phoen

especially as a first labour might be long!

Lovely, thank you!

I haven't got past 'wahey, I'm going to be there!' yet, tbh. Hadn't even considered a bag for me, that's a very good point [duh] .

She hasn't written her birth plan yet so when she does I'll have a good chat with her.

When you 'doula', do you tend to go as soon as the woman realises she's in labour or do you wait until a bit later?

it depends.. depends on the woman, if she wants the support from the very beginning, or wants you in established labour ... with a first baby, it can be harder to tell when it is the real thing, so make sure you know what the signs of true labour are.. and don;t be surprised if there are a couple of false starts

regular ctx, that get more intense, the time between them diminishes, there is a pattern and rhythm to them, there is back ache, the pains don;t die off if you move , you cannot sleep through them etx... are all good signs that it is labour

To be honest, when I was in labour, I didn't want my birthing partner (dh) to do or say anything. Just to be there. If he asked me if I was OK, I found it an effort to talk and actually make sense. All I could think about was the pain and anyone talking to me just got one word answers! It depends what sort of a labour she has and what pain relief she has. I stupidly had no pain relief (looking back I dunno why, it's not like you get a frigging medal for it!).Definitely having some next time! I think the best thing you can do is offer her sips of water. She'll be very hot and uncomfortable, just be nice if she snaps or shouts at you. Don't take it personally!