Why can't I just get over it?

[Growingatinyhumam]

My baby was born at 36 weeks by emergency c section after an unsatisfactory CTG after feeling reduced movements.

I had no labour, no waters broken, no contractions and no pushing, and not even a toothbrush with me on the day. My hospital bag was only partially packed and still at home.

Now I know the only thing that really matters is my baby is here safely so why can't I get his birthday out of my head?

In the beginning I'd ask my partner to run through the day again with me, what happened and when etc... then I asked my family what they did that day and now I feel like everyone is bored of me asking them about it, and yet 3 months down the line I go through the events of that day over and over again in my head. I just can't seem to forget about it.

I feel sad I didn't have the birth I wanted and cheated out of the whole experience. I also feel like I didn't bond with my baby initially as I wasn't ready for him to arrive! I still had things I needed to do before he arrived 🙈

I've requested a birth debrief with my consultant which could be a few months away yet but I was wondering if anyone else feels this way about their birthing experience? Or has any tips for me on how to get over this please?

Thanks in advance xxx

Congratulations on your baby.

First things first. Your feelings are 100% valid and you have every right to feel like you do. Anyone who tells you to 'just be glad your baby is healthy' is missing the point. You are just as important in this situation.

Next, a birth debrief is a really good idea. It will help you to gain clarity over what happened and why some decisions were made.

Finally. Talk about it. If your partner or family can't help then find a therapist or online support group that can.

You will be able to move on and it will get better. If at any point your feelings start to get overwhelming you can reach out to your GP to get access to further maternal mental health support.

It sounds like you might have some kind of PTSD from the stress of it - but I'm not a mental health expert. Just replaying and replaying the experience makes me think it might be so. Do you have a perinatal health team attached to the hospital? I think it is worth enquiring to see.

I have given birth vaginally twice. The first time was horrifically painful and I ended up with an epidural. The second time was 'straightforward' until she got stuck being born (shoulder dystocia) and a cascade of dramas happened.

It sounds like you are fixating on a mythical birth experience that may or may not have even been possible. Many, probably most vaginal deliveries at term are not a wonderful, warm experience. Giving birth is often painful and traumatic. No matter how it happens.

It's something you plan and prepare for and imagine for about 8 months or so (depending when you find out you're pregnant!). It's ok to feel disappointment when it doesn't go as you would like and you feel robbed of the moments romanticised on tele etc and when it feels so rushed that it's not even real or like it didn't even happen.

debrief is a good idea. For now maybe concentrate on the fact that the way it happened was the way that was best for your baby and in terms of what being a mother "should" feel like, prioritising your baby from the get go is exactly where it starts. The debrief will emphasise for you just how important those reasons were and so, even if you weren't aware of what was going on, you did a great job.

Congratulations and enjoy it all - development is so fast after the 3 month mark when it's not just about them growing but starting to do stuff as well!

Hi op, I’ll start by saying I have absolutely no advice unfortunately but had the same experience. I went for a growth scan at 37+1 and was told I was going to be induced the next day due to reduced growth. In my head I had 4/5 weeks left of being pregnant (DS1 was fortnight late) so was pretty shocked. Failed induction led to emergency section. Like you I feel cheated out of the birth I wanted, I wasn’t ready for him. Bag not packed, house not ready, no mat leave wind down before his arrival. He’s my last baby and we tried 5 years for him and 3 losses so I kind of feel sad my pregnancy/birth story ended like that. My induction attempt was also quite traumatising which is something I’m also still trying to process. He’s 12 weeks old and I still think about it every day.

feel free to message if you want to chat.

The way you're feeling is completely normal and very common.

I would try to get a debrief. It took me years to do it but I did it and it really helped me come to terms with what happened and move on.

My hospital had actually stopped offering the debrief service, so I requested and paid for all my notes and my friend who is a midwife went through them with me.