Why did the midwives kind of ignore me? (Warning: Negative story)

[Doughnut100]

please don’t read if you are going to give birth and are surrounding yourself with positive birth stories! This isn’t the worst but I wouldn’t have wanted to read it myself before giving birth.

I am quite confused about how the midwives behaved after I gave birth and am wondering if any other women had a similar experience, and if anyone can help me understand why.

Second baby, in a birth centre. I gave birth with gas & air and a tens machine. It was agony, I asked for an epidural when it was too late (although I had said I really didn’t want one beforehand, so I am glad that I didn’t get one.) I had a doula and my partner with me, the doula was a bit of a spare wheel tbh. The midwife with me all night was really great. Two other midwives joined for the last bit, their shift was just starting. The first one was supposed to go home but stayed past the end of her shift for me which I really appreciated.

This is the bit that confuses me: after I gave birth having pushed for I think 2 hours, I was still in so much pain and I kept saying this. But the midwives basically ignored me. They literally turned their backs on me. I was contorted on the floor, unable to move because every position was agony. My partner had to hand our baby to the doula so he could help me off the floor. I was shaking, freezing, wet, covered in blood and some excrement, and saying please give me something for the pain, I’m in just as much pain still now as when I was pushing. The midwives kind of ignored me. It was like the moment the baby came out their job was over. One of them delivered the placenta and checked me for tears and she also put an ibuprofen suppository in for me. I thanked her, I was polite. She wasn’t horrible but she also just didn’t really respond to what I was saying. This wasn’t the kind of pain the ibuprofen can fix. I couldn’t look at my baby properly, I couldn’t hold him. One of them said to me “you have just given birth, it’s going to hurt.”

I feel like I missed the first few hours of his life. I was consumed by pain and couldn’t think about anything else. Eventually they gave me codiene I think after about 2 or 3 hours. That took the edge off and then I was able to take him in properly.

I honestly wasn’t rude to anyone. I think the worst thing I said during the whole birth was to tell my partner to stop touching my head. Why were the midwives so dismissive of me after I gave birth? They weren’t horrible people, I’m not trying to demonise them. Was I being annoying to complain about the pain? Is it because me and my baby were both fine and healthy? - I suppose I didn’t need stitches this time, nobody was being rushed off to the nicu so maybe for them they just thought stop whinging, you’re lucky to have had a good outcome. Is this normal?

Sorry to hear this, it is a stressful time enough as it is!

I had an OK birth experience, delivered just before shift change so told the mw to do what they needed to do and we were OK. No one came for what felt like an age. Maybe the shift change was a factor?

You can request a copy of your notes, I guess from the centre. I think there is a way of talking through what happened with a mw/HV, hopefully someone here will know more and advise on that.

Please feed this back to your hospital's Maternity Voices Partnership.

I agree I think you need to put it in writing to the hospital

Congratulations on your baby boy! I would feed this back in writing 100%. I was left alone for a really long time after the birth of my first two but that was fine by me because I felt fine and didn't need them. I don't think it is unusual to be left alone if all is ok. But you were not, they should have listened to you.

I delivered DS (2nd baby) a few minutes after a shift change. The midwife was at the end of her night shift and was clearly not interested in talking to me (at all) or helping me give birth. It was quite traumatising to be ignored when at such a vulnerable time. I think giving birth near a shift change is bad luck and women are probably more likely to have a good experience if they happen not to be at these boundaries. It’s a failure of the system though as it shouldn’t make a difference. Sorry you went through that.

I'm surprised the doula wasn't advocating for you at that point. I had a doula for my first birth and she was able to speak to the midwives to clarify things and to check I was aware of what was happening. She also took detailed notes and wrote up a timeline for me afterwards which helped me understand what had happened when and why.

The midwives should not have been ignoring you when you were on the floor unable to get up, nor should they have ignored your pain levels. I really don't know why women are expected to just suck up pain that in other situations would be treated with painkillers. I would write to PALS to complain and maybe ask for a birth debrief as well.

But the midwives basically ignored me. They literally turned their backs on me.

What were they doing?

When I gave birth they took my baby and turned around to check her and then gave her back to me and then when the afterbirth came they turned their backs to check it.
Do you think they were doing this?

This sounds really upsetting for you but it’s also odd because they seem really nice and caring too.

I’m also surprised the doula didn’t say anything to them.

I would have thought someone being in a lot of Odin afterwards could have meant something more serious so I’m really surprised.

They literally turned their backs on me. I was contorted on the floor, unable to move because every position was agony. My partner had to hand our baby to the doula so he could help me off the floor. I was shaking, freezing, wet, covered in blood and some excrement

This sounds horrendous and completely unacceptable. Freezing, wet on the floor and your partner delivering the baby? Fucking hell.

What do you think was causing the pain, was it severe after pains? I'm asking as mine were utterly horrific after my 2nd and they just didn't seem to believe me but they were not as severe with subsequent babies.

I think it would be worth asking for a birth debrief.

That way you could ask why they turned their backs. It could be they were dealing with baby / placenta.

It could be they assumed your pain was an after pain (my were horrific with my second too)

It would also allow you to process this and feedback to them.

If you were on a birth centre there isn't any stronger painkillers they can give you, certainly not an epidural. Did you ask to be transferred to a hospital?
To me it sounds like the doula could've been the issue. Whilst of course you should've been listened to it's possible the midwives expected her to be the one to act for you. I'd be questioning the doula about what exactly you paid her for.

Thank you all for your replies. Sorry I’m only just getting round to replying, new baby etc etc!

I will definitely feed this back to the hospital as many of you suggest. I think I will ask for a debrief or whatever you call it because I do want a response from them.

@Rocket1982 I’m so sorry that happened to you, it sounds awful. Hugs. My midwife that was about to leave did not behave like that but the shift change definitely affected things because she rushed off straight after leaving me with two new midwives who did kind of behave like yours did. So yes as you say it’s a failure of the system to make sure there is continuity of care.

@RoseslnTheHospital yes my doula should have advocated for me. Frankly she is just a bit of a fragile soul and I don’t think she is cut out to be a doula. I’m annoyed because my instinct was not to go with her when we met her because she didn’t have enough confidence and didn’t give me that motherly vibe I was looking for. But I ignored my instincts because I was panicking about making plans. Silly me. And you’re spot on about women being expected to suck up the pain. I wasn’t taken seriously and it’s not right.

@Cocobutt they weren’t doing checks, because my partner was holding the baby. They were clearing up, or chatting, I’m not saying they were twiddling their thumbs but it definitely wasn’t something more important.

@thenightsky yes reading this back makes me realise how bad it was and how angry I am.

@RandomMess i didn’t even know afterpains existed! Exactly the same - it was like they just didn’t believe me and like I was complaining about a stubbed toe or something. I’m sorry it happened to you but I’m so glad to find someone with the same experience. And @Twizbe you had the same! After my first birth I was fine so I know this isn’t always the case.

@mummyh2016 well, quite. I’m not sure what we paid the doula for. However I don’t think I have it in me to tell her how much she let me down. Which is weird because I am normally very forthright. But I don’t want to add feeling guilty for hurting her to all the emotions I already feel about it. We have had a debrief with her so she knows how upset we were by the lack of aftercare. So I think she will definitely learn from the experience and do more for future clients. Or maybe I’m kidding myself so I don’t have to confront her. I don’t know. For what it’s worth we engaged her so late in the day that we got a 50% discount. I hate wasting money though so it still makes me grind my teeth. I just think you need to be made of tough stuff to be a doula, and she isn’t. A good doula would have been taking control of that situation not hovering on the edges looking spaced out. Also the fact she was there probably made the midwives less attentive.

anyway thank you all for your responses it has really helped me process things. I am so aware that other women go through much worse so I don’t want to seem like I’m moaning about something that wasn’t that bad. But I do feel robbed of the first few hours of my son’s life and I do feel that it made me bond slower with him over the next week than with his sister who I bonded with instantly. It just didn’t need to be like that so it makes me angry.

I have requested debriefs after all 4 of my babies. It really helped me come to terms with what happened during the hazy pain moments. Definitely write to PALS too, they will help.

I'm really sorry you didn't have a positive birth experience. Do you have real life support, someone you can talk this through with? Don't bottle it up, and don't be afraid to reach out to your GP, Midwife, HV etc for support.

Congratulations on your baby

I'm glad you've been able to read through and you have a plan of action.

It's important to talk about our birth experiences good and bad.

I'd been warned that afterpains with a later baby were worse that with a first. My god though! Every time I latched her on to feed it was like intense period pain for a moment or two. It did pass through.

Though

Definitely feed back to the hospital. I really regret not getting a debrief with my last baby, I was ignored by the midwife when I told her the pain had changed and told this was normal and she ignored the consultants notes which could have put me and the baby at risk. We had a good outcome but I had to go through a rushed higher level emergency c section than if she had acted sooner. It resulted in injury to me that might not have happened earlier. Midwives need to listen to women no matter what point in the delivery or on their shift.

It sounds like afterpains which can be as bad as or worse than labour pains. FYI these afterpains get worse with each child.

I don't know why they ignored you and nobody but those midwives can answer that. Put it into writing or ask for a debrief so you can move on.

If you had a tooth yanked out with no pain relief, and you were bleeding from your mouth and in agony, no one would expect you to sit in the waiting room not complaining with blood all over you and the floor. Having a baby is the same thing on a massive scale. You shouldn't have been told that “you have just given birth, it’s going to hurt". That's a hideous attitude and yes, I would complain.

The only thing I would consider is - were you actually asking for help out loud or did you think you were? I have been in shock from pain and illness before (not birth related) and was adamant I was asking for help, but in reality it turned out I was making little whimpering noises rather than the words I was sure I was saying, and that's why no one was helping. That's the only bit I would get clarification on (from your partner).

Sorry about your useless doula, too. Congratulations on your baby.

@ÉireannachÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉÉ

FYI they don't always get worse with each birth.

The ones with my 2nd were truly horrific, 3rd & 4th nowhere in the same league.

You're right. I should of said in general for most people they get worse with each child.