8 months pp.... still struggling with general anaesthetic emergency C-section

[Sarah239]

My little girl was born in May 2022. The labour wasn't great, which I can deal with. But what I still struggle with is that it resulted in her being born via emergency c-section with me under general anaesthetic.

I am someone who has dreamed for years of having a baby (after years of infertility) and I always imagined that moment of holding her in my arms when she was put on my chest. Of seeing my husband see her and hold her for the first time. Of feeding her for the first time, that golden hour.

But I missed it and I think I will always grieve that. She was born screaming into a room full of strangers. Her dad wasn't in the room either. How scared must she have been?! I didn't see my husband hold her for the first time, something I dreamed of almost more than holding her myself. He sent pics of her to my family while I was still asleep. Another thing I missed. I don't begrudge him as he was emotional and traumatised but I am still sad we couldn't show them together. I wanted to have that first breastfeed of colostrum and she was given a bottle of formula while I was still asleep. I will always wonder if this contributed to the latch issues she has had since birth (9 months down the line, I am still using nipple shields to feed her as she simply does not latch on to my bare breast). I know it may not be relevant, but it will always be at the back of my mind. I grieve not having that golden hour. I don't even remember how I felt when I first held her or saw her, it's all a hazy blur.

How do I get past this? Has anyone been through the same? I don't know if I will have another baby, maybe that would heal some of the sadness but I can't change the past. Any advice? I know I can have the hospital debrief but I'm not sure what good it can do, it's not like history can be undone. I will always wonder if I could have been awake if I had been given a bit more time and space to labour without so much intervention. I know I am so lucky to have my happy, healthy daughter and I am grateful every day. Things could have been different. I'm just sad too.

Be gentle please! Thanks.

Oh I really feel for you and had such a similar experience having my daughter. I’ve got to go to sleep but I’ll reply in the morning. You’re not alone, at all 💐

Ive not been through similar, but I know someone who has and I think 30 years odd years on she does wonder what she's missed out on because she didn't go on to have any more.

I've got two boys, a 1 year old and a 2 year old and to be honest, I've even made a comment to this person before about how being asleep would have been ideal for me.

Everyone is different, and because you don't know. Its always going to be a question mark for you.
Every birth is also different. I didn't want to hold my first. Was absolutely traumatised and compared to some birth stories I've heard, it wasn't even that bad.
They basically shoved my second in my arms and I just lay there like.. erm can someone take him please?!
Tired, shaking, hurting. No euphoric moments for me.
You might have felt the same. But I'm guessing its the not knowing thats going to play on your mind.

Please try not to dwell on this. You never know how things are going to turn out when you give birth and it was out of your control - it all basically is anyway.

Hey OP, I had a section under general in Dec 21 with my son who then went to NICU. A very surreal and bizarre experience to say the least, not one I ever wish to experience again even if it was the safest option.

I really recommend contacting your hospital and accessing their birth afterthought/reflections service and going through everything with an impartial midwife. It did wonders for me just to talk through everything that happened and why it happened that way . It also confirmed that I have PTSD from my sons pregnancy and birth and I'm now taking steps to see someone about this ( EMDR therapy )

For what it's worth, your daughter won't have been scared as she will have had no idea what was going on although I appreciate why you feel like this.

As an aside, I am a breastfeeding Councillor and I'm sure having formula as a first feed will have 0 to do with why you are still using shields at 9 months. Has baby been assessed for oral ties by someone competent eg NOT a midwife/HV/GP? Has anyone done a full feeding assessment?

My eldest was born under general in an emergency section in the middle of the night after a failed induction. My dh wasn’t at the hospital and my dc had an AGPAR of 1 and was taken straight to SCBU.

it was terrifying- like a scene from casualty and I struggled with it for a year or so. My second child was also a section but planned and was all very serene.

Nearly 20 years later it really doesn’t matter.

im sorry you feel like this. Maybe reading your notes will help? Or talking it through with someone?

I know how you feel. I went through similar and then ended up in the ICU for a few days so I did not get to cuddle my newborn. I truly think I ended up with some PTSD from the whole ordeal. I don't know if this helps, but now that baby is 5 and we are very very attached? It doesn't change what happened but at the same time what happened does not define our bond, if that makes sense.

I lost consciousness on the table during my emcs with dc1, having first had some horrendous hallucinations and flashbacks. Then he went to Nicu and I lost my tentative grip on reality all together.

Absolutely I mourned for want of a better word the first six months of his life, I was angry with myself (could I have done something different/better to avoid an emcs) and angry with dh whose perception of events led him to see me as a mother who put my unborn child first throughout whereas I felt I'd failed motherhood 101. Whilst it annoys me on many levels 8 years down the line, I suspect dh is right. I made the best choices I could with the information I had for ds, sacrificing what I wanted for what I believed he needed and it sounds like you did the same OP. Imagining she was afraid sounds more like a projection of guilt/hurt on your part for the way things went than reality (although I may be projecting too).

I had a second child and got the golden hour despite another emcs but it didn't fix how I felt about my first birth. The answer to that has been time, watching him grow and knowing that I'd make the exact same choices again despite knowing the consequences for myself (postpartum psychosis amongst others) to keep him safe. For what it's worth, dc2 also couldn't latch without nipple shields despite being ebf. I think the haze happens regardless too, aside effect of hormones perhaps. I could literally feel my memories of dc2's birth sliding away from me on day 4 or 5.

Be kind to yourself, cuddle your little one, consider joining the Birth Trauma Association's Facebook if you haven't already (they also do peer support via email) and think about the debrief. Knowing the extent of our peril helped me rationalise my decisions. Finding out how to access therapy may help too. I have ptsd from another type of trauma but as I was pregnant with my second during my second last lot of therapy, the psychologist mentioned how many more referrals they were getting for birth trauma.

Sorry to hear of your experience OP.

I had a straightforward and positive birth with my first born DD. It actually felt very empowering and I was looking forward to having DC2. Unfortunately his birth was a difficult and very traumatic induction. I had him naturally but according to my debrief, I would have been taken for a crash section had I not already been 10cm. He was born not breathing in a sea of meconium and dashed off to NICU.
I know my situation is different to yours but I understand what you mean about missing key things. I'm sad about so many firsts (and lasts as he's my last baby). My DH didn't get to cut the cord, I didn't get to hold him after birth, I didn't get to put him in the outfit that I'd picked out for him. I'd dreamt about my DD visiting me in hospital and jumping on the bed to cuddle her new sibling - not be scared because he was battered and bruised and hooked up to loads of wires in an incubator.
Hopefully one day it won't matter. I've had a long fertility journey too and I try to remember that I'm lucky to have the children that I do.

FWIW, my DD was placed on my chest straight after birth and I never did manage to breastfeed her, she just refused to latch. My DS was a champion breastfeeder despite being in NICU. Some babies are just better at it than others so don't beat yourself up about that.

Yes, this happened to me. Twins by emergency cs under GA after failed epidural. I didn’t get to see them until the next day. Both were in SCBU for a while. Never did manage to breastfeed.
I absolutely did grieve for the normal birth I had wanted and was devastated at not being able to BF. I fully understood why the GA was needed but I’m not happy about some of the horrors that went before. The hospital took the view of “all’s well that ends well” and I didn’t feel that my trauma was acknowledged. Like PPs I think I had PTSD from the whole terrible experience. However - it happened, can’t be changed and both children are now almost grown up, bright and sporty. Their lives have eclipsed their birth. I see it as something I went through and survived.
I do feel for you and understand your grieving. But I don’t believe that babies suffer from this kind of birth in the way that you believe. Please don’t torture yourself thinking that. You’re the one who’s suffering- she doesn’t remember.
I hope you more at peace soon.

Highly recommend seeing Illy Morrison, an amazing birth trauma counsellor. She’s on Insta or you can Google xxx

I won't bore you with my stories other than I had 2 emergency sections. I was really upset for years but it has faded over time. This is 21 and 17 years ago, I found once my dc stopped being babies I stopped thinking about it, life just takes over. How they arrived bears no relation to our lives now, or how I feel about my dc. I'd go through that trauma a thousand times over for the honour of being their mum. Mind you, I'm bloody glad I don't have to, lol

Therapy has really helped me with both my traumatic labours.

Hi OP, as others have said contact the Birth Trauma Association or try to get a specialist therapist. I had a traumatic birth with my first DC. One thing that helped was writing everything down as it happened. Over time all the pain will lesson and you will enjoy all the wonderful bits of motherhood that you still have. Giving birth is only a small part of that. Try not to let it spoil your first few months, easier said than done I know! Be kind to yourself and concentrate on the things you are doing today with your DC. All the best, one day you will look back on the birth as a tiny part of your life.

@Sarah239 this happened to me too nearly 27 years ago! EMCS under general anaesthetic after 36 hours labour and baby coming in at an angle. Missed out on the first 12 hours of his life as I was totally out of it. Followed by another EMCS 2 years later when DS2 got his massive shoulders stuck - that one the epidural worked so I was awake but still wasn't the first to hold him or look after him properly. Had to have an elective for DC3 and was devastated. It took me many years to resolve the problems in my brain - talking didn't work. I knew what everyone was saying was right it just didn't stop my brain thinking I was a failure for not giving birth 'properly'.

The feelings will subside - as your DC grows and you go through their other milestones the regret about their actual birth will become much smaller. Mine has never really gone away but I'm at peace with them now. be kind to yourself. xx

I'm sorry that you feel this way OP, it really is absolutely understandable.

I had my DS (only child) via a planned C-section under general anaesthetic as I had a brain haemorrhage at the end of my pregnancy.

For full disclosure at the time I did feel some relief about the plan for his birth as I was terrified and felt inadequate. I guess also the fact that it was all planned and arranged in advance rather than done as an emergency was helpful.

However, I found the moments prior to being given the GA scary and I felt extremely vulnerable. The room was packed with medics and no one other than the main surgeon and anaesthetist introduced themselves. I wasn't able to have my DP with me.

I was seated on the operating table and it was tipped back and my gown removed and replaced with a bit of sheet which left me feeling very exposed. They forgot to tip the bed as well as lie me flat so I began to feel dizzy and someone got a bollocking about it which was unpleasant.

They told me that whilst I was being given the GA someone would be applying pressure to my neck which might make me feel panicky but was important. I just nodded as it wasn't the time for questions but that was really difficult and confusing.

I also had to be under GA for the shortest time possible before DS was taken out, and I totally accept that this was a priority. But to achieve this my gown was removed, upper pubic shaved and cleaned, legs hooked out of the way, catheter inserted etc.. I felt like a piece of meat, I was frightened and the room was full of people.

There seemed to be a lot of people looking at me, and all sorts of discussions going on but none was talking to me.

I was (and still am) sad that I first met DS several hours after his birth through a haze of post anaesthetic and morphine. I wasn't able to process what had happened, didn't realise he was my baby and was very confused.

The next 36 hours were a morphine filled haze too and I wasn't lucid enough to bond with him despite him being left alongside me.

DS is now almost 16. I still feel sad and guilty about his birth. I wish I'd been able to meet him with a rush of love and nurtured him from the very start. I also feel some anger and frustration towards the medics in that room and because I wish I'd been better informed and prepared in advance.

But 16 years on it is now just one of those sad parts of life which I guess everyone experiences at times. I've tried not to bury the sadness, or try to fix it as it is a genuine and understandable emotion.

The anger is probably justified too. But I also feel grateful as DS was delivered safely and that was always the most important thing.

I had an ecs after a long and fruitless labour. I'd had an epidural already so was able to have the ecs without GA but was very sick after all the various drugs and the shock of the ecs, so only vaguely remember DDs birth and definitely didn't get to see her, dress her or hold her until hours after she was born. No milk came in and I was never able to breastfeed her either so I felt a complete and utter failure.

I remember crying when she was 3-days old that I still hadn't 'seen her'. I'd been so ill that she'd been fed and changed by others... I just wanted to look at her without clothes on. Probably sounds weird but I wanted to see her as if she'd just been born.

It's hard when you don't get the birth you'd expected. When things have turned into an emergency it's frightening and you're in shock. Add new mom hormones into the mix and it can be devastating.

It does get better. I had to keep reminding myself that without the intervention and support I got both me and my baby could have died. So the golden hour was worth missing for us to be here. She's a great strong teenager now. The memory of her birth is always with me but the sadness has gone. It just takes time.

For you OP

I had one that was whisked away the second they were born for medical interventions and I didn’t set eyes on them for nearly 24hrs as they were taken to another hospital and had hours worth of tests/investigations before undergoing a major surgery that took several hours. I had a few complications post birth so the quickest I could get to their hospital was the next day while they were in surgery. After they settled them in the ICU I had no idea which baby was mine as I hadn’t set eyes on them🤣. Wouldn’t have recognised them anyway likely as swollen from fluid’s etc post op. I didn’t get a ‘first hold’ for weeks as they were precarious and with 1001 tubes and wires, and milk was via a nasogastric pump system as they couldn’t take bolus feeds.

Personally, I think the golden hour thing is a load of bunk. Also babies don’t get sad as such when they are born, they’re wiring is not set for such things at that point. The way i look at it you have the rest of your life with that baby/child/adult, what’s special about the first hour compared to any others really?

In our case, I’m just so thrilled and appreciative that we have a first world health system or my child would have been dead within a few hours max post birth. Likely I may have been as well. To me that truly overrides any hiccup we may have encountered on the journey.

Thanks everyone for your responses. It helps. I think I will do that debrief some day.

I know I would do an ELCS if I had another baby as I or my husband couldn't deal with the anxiety of baby getting stuck if I had another baby. I had two attempts at forceps, one in delivery room and one in theatre, and she didn't budge. I had an epidural in already but still had sensation in my tummy which is why they put me under but it was so quick.

Ironically it is how I was born (emcs under ga) although under different circumstances (my mum had PROM at 32 weeks and I had cord wrapped around my neck and heat rate suddenly dropping so they had to whip me out quickly).

Thanks for the breastfeeding reassurance. I do think the golden hour is very important for latch reflex to be triggered and to get bf off to a good start, but have been reassured it wouldn't have caused the shield issues we are having long term. To answer your question @Coffeeandcrocs yes, thank you, I have had support from hospital (tongue tie cut twice), an appt with a bf counsellor and two sessions with my cousin who is an IBCLC. Little one doesn't even try to latch without the shields. She just recoils like "wtf are you doing?" If I try without. She is ebf and I've accepted the shields now. Maybe it would have always been this way as I do think I have flat nipples, but no one has ever said this is the reason. I think using them so long term is quite an edge case!

Anyway, tangent sorry! thanks everyone for your stories. It helps to know I am not alone. I think the sadness will fade over time and be replaced with other happy memories and milestones. I think because I think I won't ever experience a vaginal birth I will always have a "what if?" sadness around it but I totally get that vaginal births can be as or more traumatic and it may have been more traumatic still. The forceps experience definitely gave me an insight in to that and is what traumatised my partner most I think; he saw more than I did. I am grateful my little one wasn't taken to NICU and I was only asleep for an hour. She was also born covered in meconium but thankfully healthy. I think the debrief would help me understand why certain decisions were made. I think perhaps I was more ill than they let on to me. The forceps failing seemed to trigger all the urgency. They said she may never have come out vaginally so I guess really I should be thankful I live in a time when "safe"/routine caesareans exist otherwise it could have been a very very different story. Just have some feelings to work through still. But this helped!

You've a whole lifetime of firsts. This is why I didn't bother with a birth plan, not a lot of what I ideally wanted happened although I did avoid a c section. Try to look forwards not back, you'll lose out on present precious memories.

This was my experi nice, GA and emergency section.
I think all those NCT classes that made one think of water births, dimmed lights and those first cuddles were so wrong. It would have been more useful for me to know how many bIrths end up with failed inductions, GA’s, babies rushed to NICU. Then I would not have expected a better experience, not assumed I could follow my birth plan and not been so disappointed.

however, it helped having had multiple pregnancy losses before my children were born as I was just thankful I had any and it was not another late miscarriage. That helped. Plus the staff took all those early photos for me.

Hello,this is my story 53 and 50 years ago now.All c sections then were under GA, emergency or not.
Both of mine were crash sections, my DS1 went into transverse lie after my waters broke, he passed meconium and his heart rate hit the roof.He was born with an Apgar of 1, not breathing, resuscitated and straight to SCBU.I stopped breathing under GA and was very ill as well.His birth did not hit me till nearly 2 days later, by that time he was ready to leave SCBU so it was 48 hours before we met each other, everything between was one big haze.
My DS2 and last baby, became stuck inside me in labour and my uterus nearly ruptured he had Apgar 3 was in SCBU for two days as well and we were kept apart for that time again. I had tubal tie done during his birth as I had wanted it done if another c section was necessary as I never wanted to go through it all again despite my catholic faith.
I had these regrets afterwards about not being awake during my sons' births, missing their first cries, and them being fed and cared for by strangers for the first two days. At he time o their births no thought was ever given to those feelings by the so called professionals, counselling did not exist nor was their such a thing called PTSD after a difficult birth, you were told to push those thoughts away and get on with life.My husband was not there for either birth, before we had a telephone the first birth. He came back rom visiting his sister to ind a note through the door to ring the hospital.He found a corner shop still open where he could use the phone, was told to come at once as our son and myself were very ill.The result of this shock to him when I got pregnant again was he immediately joined the merchant navy and did not come back till two months after the birth and never mentioned the word caesarean ever again.
My older boy has a condition like autism which may or may not be caused by his terrible birth (no oxygen to his brain or first two minutes).My younger boy has given me five grandchildren and two great grandchildren, none of them would have existed if he had not been born the way he was.
Neither of them mention how they were born, they know they were born by caesarean but never have made a thing of it
The memories of my labours and births remain always with me.Over the years I still feel I missed out on those first two days, but those sections were life savers for the three of us.50 years before I would have died with my first son, the second one would have not existed.
We are all in the same boat,I am pleased I am not the only one.
All the best girls, I am still here and I think still sane!.Thankyou for telling your stories, we have each other.

Sorry for typos, my laptop keeps missing the letter f and it is getting late.

Thanks for sharing your story! It was good to read x