Terrified first timer

[Fleurie76]

I'm a first time Mum and 25 weeks and this week I had my first ante natal yoga and NCT classes and unfortunately this has brought all my fears about giving birth to the fore . It wasn't the content of the classes or the teachers (who were lovely) but just the fact that time is going so fast and knowing I've got to face this soon!
I've always had a huge fear of childbirth (don't know quite where this all stems from traumatic birth in previous life? ) but I am utterly terrified and I don't know what to do in order not to spend the rest of my pregancy in abject fear of something that is going to happen anyway!
I've been really good so far and not really panicked about it but had a major panic about it last night, having one now and this is not good for me or the baby.
Any advice ladies?, really down about the whole thing and have just about lost any excitment I had about being pregnant and being a Mum.
Sorry for the depressing post but home alone and a bit sad.

Hi

i think as a first timer its the unknown. Is there a part of it in particular that worries you?

Also remember that every bad story you have heard there will be a good one to match.

I am due db3 in 9 weeks and no longer care about giving birth!

I would look into hypnobirthing if I were you. The relaxation and positive feelings towards the birth would be very beneficial.

Is the pain you fear?

First time round can be really scary , as you don't know how you will cope with the pain etc but honestly you will find a strength you never knew you had. Try to visualise your baby everytime you start to panic,just your lovely little brand new baby. Do you know who will be in the delivery room with you?

I agree with the hypnobirthing suggestion. You may find that that helps.

when it gets started you will forget your fear and do it one minute at a time.
But maybe some counselling or hypno stuff?
But by 40 weeks you will be desperate to meet your baby and not be preg any more.

I found that really listening and trusting those who were around me helped, silly I know but putting faith into those who know what they're doing took away some of my fears over being ignorant about it all!

Thanks for the swift responses all.
I'm not sure what it is that scares me so much, I've tried combatting it (even years before I got preganant!) with learning everything I could about childbirth but no matter how much I know the fear has never abated! I'm usually a very together woman, not a tough-nut but not a wall-flower either, educated and in my early thirties, you would think I could pull it together and be rational about it but there is something I can't get past and I don't know what it is.
I think if it was just pain (obviously that's a big part to it) I'd be in the queue already for an epidural but I'm not.
It's totally irrational I've put on a brave face to everyone so far (this fear is well known to my friends!) but panic has set in and I don't know where to start to try and chip away at it.
I am going to look into the natal hynotherapy CDs as I do know I need to try to get some positive vibes going but worried it will be like taking a water pistol to tackle a fire!

i experienced something of what you are going through. I can promise (!) that you will feel entirely differently once labour - the thing you fear actually gets underway. It's a weird thing about phobias but once you are forced to confront them, your fear can only go to a certain level and then - bingo - you find that the world hasn't ended (that's my phobia, by the way!) and actually you're probably better equipped than most people to cope, having spent so much time rehearsing in your brain.

which is a good thing!

in the mean time you need some strategies to cope with the panic attacks. I suggest breathing deeply and slowly (physiologically reduces symptoms of anxiety), mumsnetting, saying positive things to yourself, even if you don't really believe them eg 'i'm really looking forward to holding my new baby and i can't wait for the day to arrive'. go for a walk, be amongst other people, i found trashy books helped my brain escape. above all - you know you can't prevent it so try to tell your fear - sod it, bring it on!

hope this helps.

Hypnobirthing is the awesome!!!

Giving birth is more awesome!! There is nothing like it.

It's good to have as much info as possible about the different stages of labour and what is happenignto your body as labour progresses. Also, during labour I found that the breathing exercises really helped a lot.

Have faith in yourself and in your body's ability to get through it.

GrinningSoul - thank you for your understanding post - much appreciated
Have just ordered some relaxation CDs as a starter for 10

Thanks Saadia, hopefully the CDs I've ordered will have some breathing exercises on them so I can try that too

It's normal to be scared. But perhaps if you feel this is going beyond that you could speak to your midwife. My SIL suffers from a phobia of childbirth and has had lots of help via her GP. I'm not saying thats the case but just wanted to demonstrate that if this is what you feel you would not be the only one. I beleive its called tokophobia if thats any help. You may find some useful posts on here.

I think much of the problem is the way childbirth is depicted in the media and the people take in sharing horrendous birth stories to pregnant women - particularly first timers. I can remember being terrified before DD was born after months of this talk . If its any help I had a very positive birth experience with DD. Like GS says you will deal with it completely differently on the day. Bit of an odd one to explain but I can remember going into this whole other world where I just got on with it. You just take one bit at a time. I would also suggest that you keep an open mind about the event itself rather than be too specific about what you want, etc. I went in well informed but with no agenda and have good memories partly because I didnt feel I had let myself down in any way.

I am now 32 weeks with DC2 and have to admit I am nervous despite having done it before. In fact I think I might get some hypnobirthing CDS off of amazon right now.

Best of luck.

"I think much of the problem is the way childbirth is depicted in the media and the people take in sharing horrendous birth stories to pregnant women" - I agree Micegg. I remember turning to DH immediately after the midwife handed me dd and saying "Was that it?" I had also been anxious about the birth (even more so because I gave birth in France so had to operate in a foreign language!) - in the end I really enjoyed it -it was easily the best day of my life along with the day two years later when I gave birth to ds. Giving birth is a truly amazing experience - I actually rather envy you. I'm not trying to make light of your fear I just want to reassure you that there is a strong possibility you might really enjoy it. And also to wish you best of luck of course.

Fleurie. It is normal to be worried. With my first I had a similar thing to you - totally freaked out about 6 months and wished I didn't have to do it. So I can sympathise with how scared you feel. The truth is my first birth was not great, to put it mildly. However, once things calm down and you are all healed up and cuddling your own little bundle, absolutely NONE of it matters that much. I am now on my third - due in 11 weeks, my second birth was better but by many people's standards not great- and I am really not that worried this time round, what will be will be, as long as I get my little bundle at the end it can't be that bad!!

It is good that you have researched what happens to your body etc. I think the relaxation stuff sounds like a good suggestion, as does visualising your little baby. If someone starts telling you a bad story - STOP THEM ASAP. There is truely no point knowing! Don't read the threads on here about tough births either.

Remember, if it is too sore, you can get pain relief - there are no medals for delivering silently with only gas and air!! And the biggest thing to remember is - you can and will do it chick! Your body is made for it.

Good luck. Hope all goes well

I agree that as your pregnancy goes on, you'll feel more ready to meet your baby. I think this is the worst time - you're far enough along to know that yes, it's gonna happen, but still several months left to worry IYSWIM! By the time you're 39 weeks you'll be desperate to get the baby out! A lot of your fear is perfectly normal - no one knows how labour and birth will feel until it happens. I would strongly recommend keeping going with the breathing and relaxation classes. I found the breathing very much helped me feel in control, and I would guess that's what you need - a lot of fear is centred around being out of control. As you say, an epidural is an option if you really feel you can't cope with the pain aspect, but tbh it sounds as though this is more complex than that. Also, the downside of an epidural is that you are much less in control. It will turn the birth into something much more medicalised and is more likely to lead to other interventions. I don't know much about hypnobirthing, but it sounds like that's worth looking at too.

Thank you all for your kind posts. Feeling a lot calmer now and have had a good weekend doing lots of decorating of the baby's room. It's funny that a lot of people have said that it hits them at about this time in the pregnancy. I've actually suprised myself that I had kept it together for so long up until now so I'm hoping that this week was a blip and I can stay calm and on top of things.
Those of you who mentioned control, I think you're right, I need to feel I'm in control of it and not the labour in control of me. I'm waiting for my relaxation CDs and hope that they will help chill me out and stop me panicking!
Thanks again

Yes, you have to concentrate on the positive. I was the same - everybody I know panics at some stage, even if a baby is something they have longed for for years.

You obviously thought long on hard and read loads about it before you decided "OK, I'm ready to have a baby". Concentrate on the reasons that made you take that decision. These are your positive/happy thoughts - see if you can put pictures to them (it makes them stronger). Everytime you feel yourself slipping into a negative train of thought again, remind yourself of your happy thoughts.

Like Potporri says - you CAN do this - you just have to believe in yourself!

Glad you feeling calmer Fleurie and yes in order to let go on some level of yourself you need to be in control.

Your feelings also change as the pregnancy moves along and in those final weeks when you start getting fed up and tired and yearning to hold your special baby, this all helps give you the confidence and readiness to birth your baby and above all believe in the wonder of your body and knowing how amazing nature is. Really glad you getting the relaxation CD's good luck and let us know how you get on

fleurie I am 32 yrs old and like you am pregnant with my 1st baby. I'm 38wks now. lots of what you are saying struck a chord with me. When I was a child I think I picked up on all sorts of things about childbirth - reading between the lines of everything -religious texts about suffering, Victorian novels like "Oliver Twist" where women die in childbirth, even James Herriot books with graphic accounts of assisted labour in farm animals - the unwritten message was that childbirth is dangerous and terrifying and constitutes the main reason why is not good to be a woman! Of course this is not true these days but cultural memories take a long time to die. So it's not surprising or irrational that we fear childbirth, some of us more than others. You are obviously very intelligent and used to moving confidently thru life and now you are coming face to face with this childbirth thing you've always dreaded.

If you're anything like me, these panicky feelings will go away and return again lots of times over the coming weeks. If it's any comfort to you at this point, it does gradually get easier as you approach the end, if only because the pregnancy hormones mess with your brain a bit and make you actually want to give birth. (well that's what is happening to me - I am still scared but have got to the stage I don't care that I'm scared iyswim, I just really need to give birth soon!)

Its really important to keep talking about it whenever you are feeling scared, a brave face is fine but make sure you can talk about your real feelings to someone. Make sure you develop a good relationship with an experienced midwife - for me it's something about their experience and calmness that's incredibly reassuring. The "active birth" type ante natal sessions are also v good as they tell you how you can stay in control during childbirth by putting yourself in different positions for birth etc. I would advise staying away from any childbirth video
in antenatal class, it's not what you need at the moment. Personally I have not gone down the hypno/relaxation route but can recommend getting a good massage as highly therapeutic!!!

My own mantra is: I just have to get through it somehow, and nobody has a textbook labour anyway!

Also I tell myself: if I have a panicky day it is NOT going to do lasting damage to LO, any more than eating the odd doughnut (or five). Its probably better to confront my panic out in the open light of day rather than have it patrol my subconscious nastily while I am dreaming (night time is when LO is most awake anyway!).

Do you ever remember thinking when you were about twelve omg how will I ever be able to do my GCSE'S? The feeling was overwhelming but then you got to that stage it was hard work but you were ready? It's the same when you're about to give birth. You've done all the preparation in pregnancy then there's the final hurdle and you will jump it. I've done it three times now and each time has been different and all wondeful in their own way. Don't be frightened just go with what feels right at the time and trust your instincts. You'll be fine.

Well I gave birth to my first child Aug 2007. It was my first. All I did was read a few textbooks so that I knew the symptoms of the beginnings of birth. I did not do ANY courses before the birth - I just did not want to know. I am a believer that no amount of preparation (by this I mean the breathing techniques can prepare you )can prepare you for the birth and I was right. The pain was so tremendous that had I learnt some breathing techniques, I would never have been calm enough to actually use them. That is not to scare you, as yes it is VERY painful. The main thing is to be sure you are in good hands (e.g give birth at a hospital ), have plenty of telephone nos to hand ready to call someone when the birth starts, have a bag packed. There are also PLENTY of options for pain relief - I had the epidural (which lucky for me worked out with no major side effects or harm to the baby ), you only need to shout out that you are in agony and need relief and they are by your side in a flash with the pain relief. But some comfort: The pain is worth it and keep thinking that. I have always asked myself how can women give birth three times or more? or even twice? - the answer - you soon forget the pain. It is pain that should be there and there are worse things than childbirth - this is also exciting. Babys heartbeat is monitored closely throughout - any probs and you will be whipped away for cesarean - and do not let that scare you, I have had a few OPs and you feel NOTHING. Do not read horror stories or listen to anyone elses bad stories - each birth is unique. The best way for me was to never talk about birth to anyone and not to go to the classes beforehand. The most useful thing I found was the care afterwards- I gave birth in Germany and I had a midwife come to my house every few days for the first three months after the birth - helped me bathe baby, dress baby correctly, helped with baby constipation and milk advice etc...

Good luck - just dont think into it too much and you will be fine

Fleurie - I was in your position two years ago. It is horrible thinking about how awful it might be, that you have this appt with an executioner almost!

The good news is I'm still kicking around (and pregnant again) after my worst case scenario birth and actually it's one day which pales into insignificance when I look at my gorgeous little girl and she smiles back and me and says 'mummy'

I personally found Ina May Gaskins Guide to Childbirth really helpful in understanding birth. The physiological side really isn't as important as the emotional side. If you get your head in the right space, your body knows the rest (even if you may not be aware of it).

At the end of the day you will have this baby and you will be fine, in fact you'll be bloody proud of yourself. You only have to handle one contraction at a time (and they aren't the gut ripping pain people make out anyway - mine were like bad period pains) and you just get on and do it and then you get to meet this incredible little person that you made!

Why don't you book yourself an epidural, so you know this options is sorted. You might find you won't even need it at the time but for now it'll give you confidence.

However, if it's a real phobia you might want to discuss having an elective section with your midwife.

Anything that makes you feel in control will help.

Good Luck !

Fleurie - there are lots of things to help you feel that you are in control and that you can help your body do what it needs to do -and NCT classes will help a lot with that.

And if things are not straightforward, you can make an active choice (active choice being the crucial factor) to have an epidural.

Imagine a huge huge packed sports stadium - the world cup.

Every person in that stadium is the result of a birth by an ordinary woman, just like you.