Second guessing birth trauma

[Bubblemonkey]

PPROM’d at 36+3, rang triage & got told to go in with not quite been full term. Put on the monitor & had tightenings which I couldn’t yet feel so I was admitted onto the antenatal ward for further monitoring with the aim to keep my LG cooking till 37wks with antibiotics to ward off infection.

Around an hour after getting admitted, i started getting what felt like bad gas pain, didn’t think it was contractions because it didn’t come & go like contractions are meant to. The oncall obstetrician came to see me & explained they were gonna start antibiotics & that they didn’t want to rush into an emergency section overnight (I had an elective one booked in for 38+5) If baby & I were doing ok.

Fast-forward another 3hrs or so later, the doctor came to see me again because unsurprisingly codeine & paracetamol weren’t doing a great deal, got examined & by this point I was 3-4cm dilated & contracting 3 in 10 lasting about 50-60 seconds a time. I was put back on the monitor & was having some decelerations which were thought to be the machine picking up my heart rate rather than baby’s. They couldn’t do continuous monitoring on antenatal so I was moved to delivery suite which was fine by me, it meant I could get some other pain relief.

Once in delivery suite, baby’s heartbeat kept dropping off the monitor due to her position, so she ended up with a clip on her head & all was fine, no concerns as far as I’m aware. I was doing ok, muddling through on gas & air. I don’t actually remember consenting but, I was put on oxytocin because my contractions had slowed. Had my cervix checked about 3.5hrs after getting moved & I’d gone from 3/4-10cm in that time & proceeded to push, stupidly optimistically thinking I wasn’t far from done. During the cervical check, the midwife said baby didn’t look to have much hair from what she could see 🤨 I pushed for an hour & baby would not budge, next thing I know, there’s an obstetrician, various junior doctors, anaesthetist & all that jazz come into my room & said we needed to go to theatre, signed consent forms for forceps & a section if needs be.

We go to theatre pretty much straight away, the anaesthetist struggled to get the spinal block in, I’m sat contracting without any pain relief whilst getting stabbed in the back. Fine, whatever, it happens (I work in theatres, I’ve seen it). I finally get the block in & off we go, on the third attempt, baby finally made her appearance & I’m thankful that I didn’t end up with an emergency section. The next I hear is the obstetrician shouting to the anaesthetist to get some clotting drugs, yet nobody’s explaining what’s going on, with my job, I assumed I was bleeding more than I should have been. Baby got taken straight for checks & again, nobody explained why & then there was debate whether we could go to the normal postnatal ward or if we needed transitional care due to her gestation, they decided on transitional care whilst I was getting stitched up, I get moved back into a bed & taken to a room for some post anaesthetic observations.

About 5hrs after baby was born, we’re finally moved to the ward, a midwife comes to see how we’re getting on & explains that I had a minor haemorrhage in theatre, no need to worry but they’d repeat bloods in the morning to make sure my iron wasn’t too low. Baby was taken to the nursery to let me try get some sleep as I’d been awake almost 36hrs at this point. The next morning rolls round, the nursery nurse points out baby looked a bit jaundice, checked her with a light thing which came back with a high reading & asked if they could take some bloods the next time she had her observations done. The result came back that she needed phototherapy, so under the lamps she went. Checked her again 12hrs later, her jaundice levels had come down but was still above the treatment line so stayed under the lamps another 12hrs then was released. Unfortunately she rebounded & was very nearly admitted to nicu for a transfusion.

After a long 6 days of multiple blood tests, phototherapy, ng tubes, 3hr feedings, et we were finally discharged home.

Am I being pathetic to be a bit traumatised by the situation? I’m second guessing myself.

No, you are not pathetic.
You and your baby have been through a lot.
Thank heavens you have a happy outcome.
But no, it's unsuprising that this has been extremely difficult for you. Please don't beat yourself up about that.
You will feel better, and leave these feelings behind. That will take as long as it takes, but it will happen, I promise.

Goodness you should have put your question up top - no-one is unreasonable to find any childbirth experience traumatic. You don't say (may have missed it) how long ago this was, but having acknowledged you had a traumatic time, it might be best to stop reliving it in detail. I get that you work in healthcare so have a different slant on what was happening, but give yourself permission to let the hormones work and do you can forget the intensity of the event itself.

No you are not unreasonable. It takes time to process it all and come to an understanding of what happened. It takes even longer to make peace with it but over time you will think about it less and eventually it will fade to being more of a footnote in your child's life.
I'm 10 years down the line and it all seems quite insignificant now but it was pretty raw for a long time. I tried to focus on being grateful for being alive & having a healthy baby. My hospital offered a debrief with an obstetrician which I found really helpful especially in terms of planning a future pregnancy. All the best OP x

You are not pathetic at all. I think sometimes it is worse to work in healthcare and have our vision clouded by things we have seen.
As the PP have said, it's not clear how long ago this was.
You don't ask for solutions/ what you could do, but if you do want some suggestions: speak with your midwife/ HV. Don't keep talking about your birth trauma with everyone, as that is just reliving it, and I think you already know how you are feeling is valid. Ask about a birth debrief, especially if you want to have more children. Time is a healer, but you may get resurfacing trauma if you become pregnant again/ need to discuss future birth options. (I wish I had taken this advice).
Lastly, this is very much shaped by my own (not dissimilar, actually) birth experience. People may say "you and baby are fine and that's all that matters". I found that patronising and untrue; it's absolutely ok to need and want to process what happened. To feel it was unfair and "why me".

I had a completely different but very traumatic birth with dd1. Pre-eclampsia, induction, ventouse, post-partum haemorrhage , transfusion, retained placenta, secondary post-partum haemorrhage 3 weeks later, sepsis, 2 weeks inpatient with central line antibiotics. It affected me for a long time, and meant that my pregnancy with dd2 FOUR YEARS LATER was awful, stressful, and terrifying.

but i was thinking about it recently and i realised that somewhere in the last 3 years since dd2’s birth, that trauma has somehow faded away. It was very real and definitely not unreasonable, but it hasn’t stayed with me for life. It seems to have evaporated when i wasn’t looking. Time really is a great healer.

this is a long and roundabout way of saying your experience sounds very traumatic and of course it’s reasonable to dwell on it and try to process it, but also that you will get there. Congratulations on your baby, and do talk to people about the birth - talking helps, and the “but you’re both okay so it doesn’t matter” narrative can squash that without intending to.

That sounds incredibly difficult and traumatic op. I had a very similar experience to you in my birth and I remember feeling so upset thinking about it. I'd just burst into tears thinking about what happened. Even weeks later. You are not pathetic.
Can you ask the hospital for a debrief to discuss what happened during your labour so you can process it in conversation with midwives in your care?
Congratulations on your healthy baby xx

No your not pathetic at all, sounds like you had a really difficult birth, and any worries about your baby's health is obviously going to be traumatic especially after what you had just experienced. Glad everything worked out in then end and congratulations, just be kind to yourself and enjoy your baby 💕