How do I know if my partner will be helpful at the birth?

[Bigparrot]

I've been thinking about this and I'm not sure he'll be very helpful at the birth. All the things I've read about what a birth partner could do are not something that I think he'd able to.

I don't think he'd be able to help with advocating for me or discussing what I'd want with midwives etc. He'd be happy to go with whatever was suggested and make me feel like I was being awkward for questioning a change of plan or asking for something different.

I don't think he'd be able to support me if I wasn't coping. He doesn't like it when I get upset and tends to leave me to have space as he gets annoyed when he feels like I'm being negative. He thinks I get too bothered by stuff and maybe I do but it's not great to hear that when I'm asking for support.

He hasn't wanted to find out about things that might help me during birth e.g. types of pain relief or Hypnobirthing. He thinks its all a bit woo. I've sent him links but he hasn't read them and would just rather I tell him about it. I naively thought he'd be interested in how to support me and he would want to be equally informed.

It's a long one. Sorry!

Am I over thinking this? Has anyone elses partner surprised them?

Hmmm these kind of thoughts never crossed my mind. I wanted my husband there to see his children being born and share that with me rather than for support but maybe I was silly to not think about it from that point of view.

I wouldn't say he was particularly helpful but really how helpful can they be? He did try and rub my back for me but I barked at him to get off me as I didn't want to be touched. I was in my zone where I thought I would explode and didn't want anyone near me unless medically necessary.

Therefore, if I were you, I would write a birth plan and a back up plan. Tell DH this is my plan and this is my back up and you have to advocate for me so memorise it. No one knows what their birth will be like and he may help you make new decisions in the moment. My DH also convinced me to get an epidural after having spoken to a couple of midwives and some new parents in the lobby and my god I'm glad he did.

DH is similar. But he was fine when he came to it. I’d write any preferences in a birth plan. He was vehemently against a home birth, which I was disappointed about, but otherwise was very supportive of my choices.

I appreciate what you're saying. Thanks.
Maybe I've got it wrong by thinking he could be there for the whole of labour when he can't really do anything.

I'm looking at being induced so it may take a while anyway! As long as he's there for the end I guess.

I did the Positive Birth Company hypnobirthing course and DH watched the videos with me. I think he got just as much from it as I did; it helped him understand what I'd be experiencing and how he could be helpful (encouraging me to eat and drink during labour, for example, which really helped as I wasn't thinking about that at all).

Reading between the lines here - but it doesn’t sound like you like him that much at the moment - it seems you don’t respect him, find him a bit feckless?

Could he be anxious/suffer from low self esteem which might cause him to recoil from anything attracting attention or from learning about new things (birth etc)

Do you think he will remain uninterested once the baby arrives? This lack of interest at the moment doesn’t bode well - parenting a team sport (if you’re part of a team - people do it brilliantly solo).

How might you encourage him to get interested and involved starting now? Because it’s a long old road to walk with both a baby in arms and a man child trailing behind.

all the best for your delivery, OP.

I don't know. My DH had a tendency for being a people pleaser so I sat him down and told him that I would be vunerable and even if against his nature he would need to advocate for me. I went through my wishes and why, gave him a few pointers. My trust were known for being a bit episiotomy happy so I told him to challenge them and ask why it was necessary and that 'so i can see better' (as one of my friends was told) was not a good answer!

I needn't of worried, as much as he's a people pleaser when it comes to himself, birth bought out the protective side for me and baby. I equally know men who were very involved and interested that fainted when the time came and were useless.

If you're worried, is there another person (mum, sister, friend etc) that could be a second birth partner to advocate for you?

I thought my husbawould faint but I wanted him there for him to see his child being born not for me, I can ask for myself he did not need to do that for me

I'm the end the midwife had him helping out, she was amazing and he jusy got on with it

Another vote for the Positive Birth Company online course - would he watch it with you?

If you are worrying about wether he will advocate for you during labour then take someone else as well who will.
Mine spent my first labour watching tv as I was either in the bathroom or asleep whilst full of painkillers so there wasn’t much for him to do until it became obvious to him (I was beyond telling anyone I couldn’t go on) that it wasn’t happening and then he demanded a doctor from a grumpy midwife and I don’t know how much longer I would have been left because they werent keen to act! That was what I needed him to do and why he needed to be there.

I couldn't tell you what he did during labour to be honest, other than driving me there. But I was in my zone and just wanted to be left alone to get on with it.

I wanted him there because I wanted him to see the birth of his child.

He was also amazing post birth and was left holding the baby both times whilst I was rushed to theatre. I wouldn't have wanted anyone else there.

I had a caesarean so it was slightly different but my husband is so laid back he's practically horizontal but he automatically just stood up to the plate when we were in hospital. I went in for a scan which turned into an EMCS and I was terrified and and we were in a room about to have a speculum exam with 2 consultants, a handful of midwives, another doctor came in with 3 medical students and asked if they could watch. I felt so overwhelmed by the unnecessarily large audience but out of guilt for their learning just sorted of shrugged but then started tearing up and he took control of the situation and said can only absolutely necessary people be in here. I was barely present signing consent forms and he was asking all the right questions and totally on my side. I fell apart and he came together! He might surprise you, but prep him nonetheless and make it known he needs to advocate for you, it isn't something you can be bad at, it's a necessity! He's got the easier job, you're doing the hard part!

Your expectations are way too high. He’s a bloke. They’re useless in the delivery room. You’ll have the midwives and you won’t need him. I saw DH once in the last 6 hours of my 12 hour labour - he wandered over as I started to push and I sent him away again as I found his presence annoying.

My grandma says men in the delivery room just slows things down and it was much better when they weren’t there, or perhaps if they just came in for the final 15 minutes.

Have you been to antenatal classes together? This will
Help him understand what's needed

Is there anyone else you can ask? Or could you employ a doula?

Tbh it sounds like you know he'll be rubbish.. at least it won't be a suprise though!

Due to a series of improbable events, my DB was my birth partner. He was remarkably good.
Unfortunately you don't know how it will go until the day. Your partner, if willing, is probably fine.

My dh is similar, doesn't want to rock the boat, will shrug and say "don't mind, what do you think?" When asked for an opinion. He was awful at the hospital, he just sat there like a pathetic idiot as my labour got worse and worse and the staff ignored me. I needed someone to say "come and speak to us about what is happening" but he just sat there looking worried, shrugging. I was left for hours by midwives and eventually 'saved' by a doctor who realised what had happened and that my monitoring had been all wrong and I was rushed into theatre. Dh then failed to advocate for anything I wanted (delayed cord, skin to skin).

I went in on my own for dc2 and it was bliss. The midwife team listened and spoke to me, the whole team was fantastic.

My husband would have done whatever I'd wanted/needed but honestly, I was in my own space and didn't want anyone near me, too distracting.. Write anything important down, say it when you go in if you can, if not tell him it needs to be read by everyone who treats you..
Also, be informed about being induced. If its medically necessary, okay but my doctor described it as going uphill from the beginning rather than going down (when it happens naturally).
Lots of luck

I don't think he's feckless at all just massively laid back.

This thread is helping me to set my expectations though and see that while I had hoped for more of a team effort that may be unrealistic in the moment. Thanks for the recommendations for positive birthing company. I'll see if he'll watch them with me.

My DH managed to catch the baby when I accidentally had an unassisted birth, he hadn't so much as read a leaflet 😂 birth wasn't about the practicalities (for me), it was about sharing the scariest and most amazing moment of my life with the only person I would want to. He knew what to do when it came to it, because he's a fully grown adult! I didn't think about it any more than that really, I wouldn't have wanted anyone else there (except some professionals maybe..) birth, for me, is about mum and dad, anyone else would have been an intrusion. He knows me well enough to know what I needed.

@Sleepwalkingintothewall

I think this is one of my concerns and it's interesting that you felt more listened to when you went in on your own.

@Cuppasoupmonster your expectations are too low, not all men are useless