Living with birth regrets

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I was pressured to have an induction because I was late term, 42 weeks. Late term runs in my family. I really wish I hadn't had an induction - so glad my baby boy is here (born in September) but the birth was horrible. Not what I had in my mind with all my hypnobirthing practice.

Multiple attempts to get balloon in (all while bawling and only offered gas and air on attempt 4). 4 attempts to break waters. Was too frightened to carry on so I had an epidural. Then the drip for 15 hours. Drip raised his heart rate too much so ended up with forceps delivery and episiotomy, very painful to recover from.

Finally he came out, with loads of scratches all over his head from attempting to break waters and giant bruises and cuts all over his face from forceps. I've felt so horribly guilty about it ever since. It was honestly traumatic.

I never got that endorphin high when he came out at all. Didn't feel rush of love (I know lots of mothers don't). Love him lots now. Worst thing is my Labour had started anyway the night before induction but I was told to have my induction anyway.

Anyone else have birth regrets? How did you get through it?

@swipe

I am really sorry to hear about your experience. I also had a baby in September and like you tried to have a positive approach to birth after a difficult pregnancy. I was absolutely devastated when my waters broke and I was told induction was necessary - I cried a lot in the evening before I had to go in to be induced!

I too had a difficult birth where baby's heart rate kept dropping and the pain was agonising. When baby finally arrived I also could not feel that rush of love because I was hemorrhaging and listening to one midwife ask if she had ever stitched someone up before and the other midwife replying 'no but I will give it a go' as if I was a craft project or something! I was too weak to say anything and have never felt so powerless. My recovery was long and painful and my episiotomy has only just stopped reopening each time I use the toilet in the past week or so. I was also never put on antibiotics despite waters breaking first, and ended up with three infections. Most of my trauma stems from the close calls myself and my baby faced and that I feel fortunate we both made it through, which is not a way I was prepared to feel about giving birth at all. I had constant flashbacks and night terrors about my labour, but I have found it easier to move on mentally since my physical pain has passed. I can't even entertain the idea of having another baby due to the trauma.

Maybe look up birth afterthoughts as this was mentioned to me by my community midwife. I hope you are enjoying life with your baby now, I have found the fact that mine is so aware and happy now that it has helped heal me somehow. ❤

I'm so sorry you were bullied and coerced by family.
There's many reasons why family choose to do this: fear of the unknown, faith in the system more than their body, determined to let you have the same/worse fate than them to compare devastation memories.
None are fair to you and none are fair to your baby.
You deserved better and your body should not of been sacrificed. Your body is powerful baby growing and birthing life giving.
You can journey through this grief keep talking over and over to everyone and anyone. Read sara wickham's books and remember, none of this was your baby's fault. You are the authority over your body and theirs. You can only do the best you can with the information you had at the time.

@LemonSherbert19 your experience sound absolutely dreadful - much worse than mine. I'm so sorry you went through that

@Dinosauratemydaffodils I'm sorry you went through this also - I really relate to baby not feeling like he's mine (in some ways he still doesn't) although this has improved over time

@Nowthenhere thank you, sorry if it wasn't clear, but it wasn't my family pressuring me, it was the midwives/health team. I was just saying late term runs in my family. I'm a big Sara Wickham fan so I'll check that out. Thanks for the kind words

I'm so sorry.

I also did hypnobirthing with my first and ended up with a horrendous ordeal of a labour, ending in c section.

I felt so raw, so empty, so brutalised and shell shocked. Even though my protective instincts kicked in and I showed my baby love and cared for him, I didn't really feel much for him. As someone who was always very maternal and had tried to get pregnant for a year, this was extremely upsetting. I cried every day for 12 weeks and thought about the birth constantly, over and over on a loop. It's all I ever talked about. I used to cry when people.made birth announcements and would get nauseous and shaky if I saw a labour scene on TV. It lasted until i had my next child, 2 and a half years later. My son is almost 8 now and it's just the past 3 years I've stopped crying around the month of his birthday because the memories of the birth would come back. Now I have no feelings associated with the birth.

I'll tell you this. Everywhere you look, it tells you to reach out and talk about your feelings. The narrative in society is now all about mental health and not keeping it inside. I cannot tell you the amount of people in my life who I opened up to about my feelings and almost every single person basically told me to get over it and count my blessings. Every sentence started with 'at least'. It's true that ultimately the most important thing was that my baby and I both survived. That goes without a shadow of a doubt! The trauma impacted every area of my life including my marriage. The more people told me to put it behind me and appreciate my baby, the deeper and deeper I went into the memory. The more and more I needed to talk, the more I would ruminate about it. The more I was surpressed, the more emotion I experienced, which in turn kept getting stuffed inwards and downwards

I desperately needed to process what happened in order to move past it. I couldn't suppress it.

I went to have my second child in a different hospital and told all the staff about my pervious experience. Every single person I told let me speak. They had compassion in their faces and accepted what I was saying. My feelings were finally taken seriously and all these medical professionals acknowledged my previous trauma. The midwives and consultants were so kind and not one of them told me to count my blessings and focus on my baby. I gave birth to another baby in totally different circumstances, no trauma.

My point is: talk. Talk to people who understand trauma and not to people who try to get you to cheer up. Get professional help and don't rely on family and friends to know what to say.

What you went through was traumatic. It really happened. Its OK to feel broken but you can heal and get better.

Fwiw, the bond with my firstborn came in time and yours will too. Its no different to the bond I have with my other kids, whose births were fine. Fake it til you make it and one day you'll realise that you don't feel all those barriers to love that you may have done before.

I'm praying for you. I hear you ❤

I really do know how you feel, I had a similar experience - they wanted to induce me but overnight my contractions also started like you. I thought great, they won't need to induce me now, but they were really firm about it, despite me saying I'd really prefer to wait and see. For some reason i just went along with it. They left me alone on the induction ward (during covid so completely alone) checking the monitor every hour. I was screaming in pain by the end begging them for gas and air at the very least. They wouldn't give it as said I could only have it on the labour ward once I was in established labour. Except they wouldn't check me as it wasn't their policy to check for 6 hours. They didn't listen to me at all and acted like I was being dramatic. When she finally checked me she looked panicked - they rushed me down as i was fully dilated and my baby was in distress. The first time they handed me gas and air was when they were telling me they needed to get my baby out with forceps as an emergency. She also came out so bruised.

I felt very much like you - traumatised for a while, sad that it felt like such a negative experience. I know birth isn't all sunshine and rainbows but I really didn't expect it to be so brutal and I at least thought I'd have some support, especially if things went wrong. I swore I'd never do it again, but we're TTC again and I'm determined to stand up for myself more this time and not feel pushed into choices I don't want. Obviously the safety of my baby would come first, but I'd want to discuss all options and not just get pushed down the induction route again.

@Pyvadanya that was quite a read. Thank you so much for sharing.

It sounds like you went through hell. I really feel so much of what you've said, although the aftermath is worse for you than it is for me. I feel I've come to terms with it a bit more and no longer have flashbacks. Oh and totally agree, the incessant "at least your baby is here!" Doesn't take away from the fact that you and I are traumatised. I'm so glad you were finally heard and felt more accepted in what you went through. Hugs x

Sorry, that all came pouring out! To be honest it changed me for the better in the long run as I developed absolute masses of empathy for others that wasn't there before.

Sounds awful - birth trauma is very real and can be so hard to process. I don’t know if this mindset will help but it’s one that I use. I tell myself we will never ever know what the alternative outcomes could have been. Maybe we would have experienced something even worse if we had went done a different route, but we avoided it with the choices we did make? Maybe ours was the better option. We got a healthy baby at the end which is the most important thing. Having said that, birth trauma is real and you may need counselling or something to help get over it x

I think the hypno birthers need to be a bit more honest. About one in three babies seem to need extra help. DC one "its a boy" , DC three "its a girl", DC two after what seems like hours but was probably 5 mins "its alive"

They don't all make it out nicely.

It is very traumatic when they don't. There will be somebody you can talk to.

I was induced. After the third dose I hadn't dilated, so doctor came at about 1.30am to discuss my options. Insisted on a section at that point and really had to be forceful about it but stood my ground.
The weirdest then thing happened - the doctor who had been extremely against a section, asked if she could examine my cervix just to double check for dilation, and proceeded to give me the most invasive and painful sweep imaginable. She told me what she was doing as she was doing it. I'd had loads during the induction, but I hadn't consented to this one and I was absolutely frozen. I'm pretty tough with pain but it was so so painful. Eventually I summoned the words to ask her to stop.
My biggest regret is not telling to fuck off and reporting her. Still feel really violated and uncomfortable when I think about it.

I had a mirror experience to you. And an infection in my stitches afterwards just to really stick the boot in.

it was traumatic but it allowed me to at least know what I wanted next time around which by the way was absolutely no intervention at all.

all good until said baby was huge and split me wide open with a significant tear. I won’t even go into what happened after that but needless to say it was traumatic.

the memories do fade. I still can’t talk about my second birth. But I rarely think about it now

I had botched induction at 40 + 7 days … it took 36 hours, I was so exhausted I had to have an epidural just so I could get a few hours sleep through the pain. An error was made with the drip and it caused my dd’s heart rate to spike but somehow I managed one big push and got out so I avoided emcs. However I was really poorly afterwards and got very little support or sympathy from anyone, which looking back compounded my misery rather a lot.

I didn’t have any counselling - I simply didn’t have time a lacking family support due to a close bereavement and an unsympathetic dh - it took me years to summon up the courage to have a second child.

when I did, I chose another hospital. Ironically I agreed to have another induction due to being in my 40s even though the consultant said it was totally pointless as I was having a very easy pregnancy. The second induction was fine - I went in with eyes open and used hypnobirthing techniques to keep me calm and in control, and yes I had an episiotomy again but overall It was a great experience to get through another induction on gas and air only, with no significant trauma or injury.

im not sure this is any help, but just to say I do agree that time helps you come to terms with it but if you want to get over it faster then some talking therapy would be advisable.

Birth trauma is very real. Gaslighting women about it because they have their baby makes me so angry.

It’s also about the context of care or lack of it. I almost had a routine episiotomy (no consent) with my first, but DH questioned the MW just in time. He said, to give her her due, though sullen, she did then apply a compress and her skill. This sounds like nothing out of context - but her whole attitude after she took over at the change of shift was SO hostile.

I had an awful time with flashbacks about what had only even ‘almost’ happened, but it was the overall context of her care that made me feel violated, playing the memory over and over.

I certainly never felt able to moan, given how so many worse traumas that women experience - yet at the end of the 1st trimester with DC2 it all came out, spontaneously, lots of crying. Things just go in so deeply during birth, like an unkind tone of voice or choice of words can be seared in your memory forever, even though time loses meaning and whole hours can seem like a blur.

The kindness and care from the 1st midwife impacted me forever too, like I got imprinted

I am so sorry this happened to you and your baby. No woman should need to go through this. The whole system that leads to sequences of interventions is just so sick. Its really hard and happens to too many woman and babies and leaves way too many people traumatised. Without it being spoken about which makes it so much worse.

Allow yourself to process what happened and give yourself and your baby lots of love and cuddles. The baby might also need to cry the whole thing off. Sending you hugs!

My birth sounded very similar to yours, OP. I have no regrets as I'd signed up for an induction and knew the possible outcomes.

One of my best friends lost a baby at 42 weeks. My cousin lost one at 42+3.

I'd have my induction again 100 times over. I'm sorry if that doesn't help at all, and I really, really struggled with my birth injuries for a long time, but I never had any regrets.

A bit similar to yours, I had a 5 days induction, 4 gels caused mild contractions but no labour, doctor broke my water, put me on the drip, first epidural failed, second took them a long time to get right and by then I was in serious pain so it was really hard to stay still.

I had vaginismus, so every single internal examination was pure agony, as well as the gel insertions, I had to have gas and air for them, eventually when it was time to push by then I was totally exhausted, I had been fasting for over 34 hours, haven't really slept in 5 days.

I tried to push with all my power but DD wasn't coming down and it seems she was posterior or back to back, her heart rate was also slowing, the midwives I was with all day had to leave so just around the time I needed to push a completely new midwife started her shift.

She had to call in the doctor next thing I know they're telling me they need to use the vaccum I have never heard of this before and the room got filled with all these people and everyone shouting to push, I cannot describe how scared I was, mainly because of how everyone was behaving.

I regret not going for a section, baby came out with a sore bruised head and I felt so much guilt, I still do.

I'm so thankful that all is well, but if there is a next time I will go for an elective section, I wasn't even overdue I had GD and baby was not measuring big at all so I don't even have ....closure ...in regards to why they insisted on an induction.

But the very sad thing is that people - mothers and babies - do come permanently damaged, sometimes even visibly damaged. Often its "just" psychological damage that is so common noone actually realises its a damage a and that it comes from birth trauma.

I still feel guilt and regret a year later, although my birth wasn't nearly as bad as the stories on this thread.
I went overdue and chose to have an induction (there was no pressure) despite knowing that all women in my family have long gestational periods. I was worried about the placenta failing but when I delivered it they said it was in great condition so I guess that was unnecessary.
I progressed ridiculously quickly on the pessary and my labour was just over an hour long; 2nd stage was 19 min. However, my baby was in distress (apparently because he descended too quickly) and they had to drag him out with a ventouse. Ended up with a pretty big episiotomy after I'd been so determined to avoid stitches that I'd bought an Aniball device.
I struggled to bond with him at first because the birth was so quick that it didn't feel real. He then developed a very scary infection as a direct result of the interventions during the birth. He was in hospital for a month, IV antibiotics for 6 weeks and then we had to shield him for 3 months as his immune system was so weak.
He is OK now and it looks like there are no long-term effects of what he went through. But I keep thinking that had I not had the induction he would have had a more 'normal' birth and first few months of his life.

@katepilar Completely understand that - just saying what helped me was realising that although I didn't think my birth was 'what was meant to happen' based on the bullshit hypnobirthing had fed me, the medical staff made the decisions they had to to get me and baby through with the last harm possible.
The fact we both survived doesn't negate the trauma, but along with therapy, the realisation that it's OK to have an unpleasant birth really helped me.

I did hypnobirthing before having DD, also then trained to teach it myself.

It can be great, and the info myself and my husband were given was invaluable. But yes some teachers truly teach that you can have "perfect" birth on will alone!

With DD her birth was as from a hypnobirth as possible!
Waters broke with no contractions. I was advised to be induced but I held out for about 48 hours. Hospital were fine about it, no pressure to be induced it all.
After the 48 hours and still no contractions I consented to a pessary induction. When the pessary was inserted the midwife gave me a sweep which I did not consent too.
Within 45 minutes I was in hyper stimulation, and being sick.. and had to have the pessary removed. Thankfully her heart rate went back to normal so I was able to continue to labour on my own.
Then I found meuconium when i went to the loo... it was very thick.
Eventually moved to a room to continue monitoring.
I kept saying I needed to push but as it had not been four hours they were refusing to check me. It was only because my husband intervened that they did. Only to realise she was breach and she was coming bum first. Thankfully I was too out of it on gas and air to know to much of what was happening but my husband wasnt and he said the panic in the room was unbelievable.
Rushed to theatre, her heart stopped. I was knocked out.
Woke a while later to be told I had a daughter.

How thing could've been avoided if the consultant had come to check me at the point of the meconium. He actually apologised and said he should've realised then she was breach.

Also if any of the community midwives, midwives at the hospital had listened when we said "her bum feels very hard" they also would've noticed she was breach.
But as first time parents we had no experience of what it all should feel like. Or that we had to really advocate for ourselves.

Thankfully no long lasting damage done, and dd is now nearly 9 years old. I never had anymore kids after that though!

Just want to say thanks so much to everyone for sharing their stories in so much detail, it's great to know I'm not alone and I hope you're all recovering mentally and have lots of support ❤️

Oh my word, that is dreadful! Glad your daughter is OK now but that sounds terrifying!

Wishing you all the best OP!

This with bells on!!

Hypno birthing set up so many unrealistic expectations for me and made me feel like if my birth was less then perfect it was something I’d done wrong or never focused enough when in reality I was consenting to medical procedures that were being advised for the safety of my baby.
Ive come to realise birth is traumatic, I don’t think I know one person who hasn’t had some bad experience while giving birth.

You’re essentially destroying one body to create another, so I tried to compartmentalise it, not dwell on it and think of it as a means to an end which may not suit everyone but worked for me.

Hope you’re doing okay and enjoying your new baby.