Living with birth regrets

[swipe]

I was pressured to have an induction because I was late term, 42 weeks. Late term runs in my family. I really wish I hadn't had an induction - so glad my baby boy is here (born in September) but the birth was horrible. Not what I had in my mind with all my hypnobirthing practice.

Multiple attempts to get balloon in (all while bawling and only offered gas and air on attempt 4). 4 attempts to break waters. Was too frightened to carry on so I had an epidural. Then the drip for 15 hours. Drip raised his heart rate too much so ended up with forceps delivery and episiotomy, very painful to recover from.

Finally he came out, with loads of scratches all over his head from attempting to break waters and giant bruises and cuts all over his face from forceps. I've felt so horribly guilty about it ever since. It was honestly traumatic.

I never got that endorphin high when he came out at all. Didn't feel rush of love (I know lots of mothers don't). Love him lots now. Worst thing is my Labour had started anyway the night before induction but I was told to have my induction anyway.

Anyone else have birth regrets? How did you get through it?

First baby I was quite young and I really wish I’d been more aware of consent, the fact you can decline anything, everything needs your permission. I honestly felt as though I had to go along with everything and ‘do as I was told’

In hindsight I was pushed way over the limit to deliver vaginally, induction, long labour, hormone drip, foetal distress, high rotational forceps delivery in theatre, battered bruised me and baby. I wish I’d just insisted on a c-section much earlier and saved all the trauma.

Thanks @porpy even worse on my side I knew very much that I could turn down the induction, I actually had done previously, but due to a slow growth scan they really said I should. Why did I listen 😩

Hope you've recovered ok since

aw sending lots of love, its horrible when birth doesnt go as you hope.

my kid is late teens and i still feel traumatised from his birth. I wish i’d handled things differently but i didn’t know any better. I also have massive bf regret as had issues with that.

its ok to be upset and talk about it, but if your feelings continue do talk to a professional.

I've had birth regrets for 15 years. 2 children, first was an emergency section which freaked me out so much I opted for an elective second time around. Upshot is I've never even had a contraction.

However I do have two beautiful healthy daughters, and I know that's an absolute privilege given what other people have to suffer, so I focus on that.

Well I just try and focus on having a healthy baby really. I’ve had two less than desirable births, the second one I had high hopes for but ended up being worse than the first. I don’t fixate on it too much like I missed out on a positive birth as think these are probably quite unusual but it has given me a new insight into pain and that gives me anxiety. You can be fast tracked to mindsmatter services if you’ve not long had a baby

It's still really early days, so it's ok to be still reeling from your birth experience. Having a healthy baby is great, but it doesn't mean what you experienced wasn't traumatic and it's ok to feel this. Births are unpredictable and it might well have ended in forceps if you didn't chose induction, so I would try and forgive yourself for that. You made the best decision for you and baby at the time. We don't know what would have happened if you hadn't chosen induction. Birth trauma association has lots of advice and support. I also had a traumatic birth and I do think that time is a great healer, but if you want more support do talk to your gp.

Thank you so much, I'll take a look at birth trauma association

Sorry to hear about your experience, it really can be very hard to process. Your hospital should have a Birth Reflections service where you can talk through things with a trained midwife, lots of people find it really beneficial as a kind of debrief. Have a look at your trust website or ask your midwife/HV for details.

Definitely ask for a birth debrief from your hospital - there is no time limit on this. I found it extremely helpful after my first traumatic birth to make sense of what decisions were made when and why. They then supported me again during second pregnancy and were an important part of a having a positive second birth.

Depending on your area you might be able to get a birth debrief your GP can refer you where you get to speak to the team ask questions and they present the information of what happened and why. It's probably too raw at the moment but it is really useful and they can do it up to 7 years.

Depending on size of your baby he might not have come out without forceps or a c section.
If the additional monitoring and scans suggested placenta failing (which it can the longer you go) then it probably was in the safest interests for you both. But that doesn't take away from it being a traumatic birth and there is definitely support available.

I think sometimes the balance of not wanting to scare new mothers with the reality of what can happen with birth doesn't help.

@user2391 thank you so much, I'm looking at their website

@Scottishskifun thank you - he was 7lb10, so normal, and no issues with placenta, they only reason they did forceps was because his heart rate was high, which was due to the drip. (What I understand to be a 'cascade of interventions')... useful to know about records. Thanks again

@Ducky88 oh yes the birth reflections - I was promised this but never heard, even after my HV chased...

@purplejungle thank you, that's helpful. So sorry you had a traumatic birth too

I saw a psychologist who specialist in early maternal mental health and then I did birth reflections (birth debrief). I would not recommend doing birth reflections without mental health support.

When I got pregnant again I need more mental health support to prepare for the next birth.

Induction at Term plus 2 weeks is entirely reasonable. You listened to medical advice and have a healthy baby. Focus on that.

@asawas your reply is pretty insensitive, especially as it's clear I'm suffering from birth trauma. And I really disagree with you. No one is pregnant forever, and I had a completely healthy pregnancy all the way, coupled with the fact that late term runs in my family. Like I said, I had actually started Labour at home and still encouraged to induce

Honestly- forget the hypnobirthing stuff.

My experience was awful- both me and baby could have died, emergency section, NICU admission etc etc etc
Afterwards I've realised the hypnobirthing courses I did made me think the birth should have been a certain way. Like it would be lovely and I'd feel powerful and enjoy it. I know of noone who hasn't had something awful about their birth.

What helped me (along with counselling and emdr) was realising there's no right way to give birth. Medically the only aim is that you and baby survive without lasting damage.

No one is pregnant forever,

and many pregnancies have tragic outcomes. @asawas is right.

I recently did a six week birth trauma recovery course with an amazing lady in the south east. It was a group course and so so so so helpful. If you're not in the south east I can DM you her details as she offers on one on support also and would probably be happy to work through zoom.

@2023willbemyyear yes please would love details!

Don't know if this will help. My first was a 5 day inducing (I supposedly got gestational diabetes at 36w) and didn't know any better than to say yes to inducing.

It was a 24h affair ending in forceps and I was truly traumatised. We then ended up back in hospital as my milk takes about 7 days to arrive so he was very poorly with jaundice and dehydration. I had no idea he was very poorly.

The upshot of this is my second came along 18m later. The inducing was fine, everything fine, the actual labour labour bit was only 3h from start to finish and he flew out. I was smarter with feeding and no readmittance.

I truly believe my second birth helped heal the trauma from the first.

He's 3 next Wednesday and I'm cool with his birth now - can't change it and he's gorgeous!

It was ridiculous of them not to allow you to continue with normal labour. 24 hours wouldn't have made a difference if labour stopped. But it's done now, so nothing you can do will change it. Get court selling and support. Maybe it helps to think no matter what he arrived safely? Next time elective c section for sure.

@swipe have just dm'd you :)

I assumed I'd get the birth I wanted on will alone with dc1. I ended up with an emcs at full dilation following failed forceps and a very long labour. Ds and his massive head got stuck in my suboptimal pelvis. I lost consciousness on the operating table, had flashbacks to a previous traumatic event and then had postpartum psychosis. Took me six months before I accepted he was a real baby, longer to believe he was mine.

I questioned every decision including my fitness to be a mother. I listened to people telling me it was over, I'd got what we wanted...a healthy son. I blamed myself and then I blamed everyone else. What finally brought me peace was the understanding that all the self doubt, anger and guilt wasn't helping. I made my decisions with the information I had at the time in an attempt to do the best for my child. It wasn't malice on their part or failure on mine.

Therapy may help. I've had a lot since I was diagnosed with ptsd. A debrief may as well.