I keep having flashback about birth, emergency c section. And is it normal to have needle 9 times for epidural in spine?

[Fallingwhere]

I have always been lurking around mumsnet to find questions I have about baby. I gave birth 5 weeks ago to my first born but I just can't stop having flashback about it and I think it's getting worst as the days go by. I usually manage my anxiety by myself but I think this is bigger and beyond me.. I just wanted to get it all out in hopes that I will get over it! I do have a good support system to take care of the baby and myself physically but they don’t know how to handle emotions lol

The expectation of birth in my head was to walk plenty to help with speeding labour, do natural water birth and get out of the hospital in 5 hours with just 1or 2 midwife LOL
In reality I had covid a week before birth and was pretty weak. My water broke and I was in labour shortly after. I was having strong contractions for 24 hours at home and was booked in for induction. Thankfully I was in active labour so I didn't have to be induced. However they had to constantly monitor my baby. The monitor kept falling out every time I moved slightly. They didn't have the clip to hold it in place. That was super annoying! So my plan to walk and be active failed as I wasn't allowed to move at all so I was just sat in bed.. After another 19 hours in hospital having contractions. The midwife said I have an hour to deliver the baby otherwise the doctors are going to intervene. I was pissed off about that! I was diluted 10 cm by then so I tried my best to push. The doctor and her gang came while I had my leg up pushing during contraction and checked if I was diluted and said I am 6 cm! I didn't give the doctor my permission to check me! So the doctor announces its either induction and have baby within 4 hours if that fails then its emergency c section. Me and my partner initially decided induction but honestly I have been going through 43 hours of contraction without any medicated pain killers just gas and air and tens machine.. I cldn’t bare the idea of doing it further 4 hours just for it to potentially end up with c section. So I opted for C section.

Within 10 mins of multiple people talking to me, signing stuff while I was still going to contraction I went to theatre. The doctor pushed my shoulder down forcefully and told me to relax while he puts needle on my spine.. I cldnt relax because I was still having contraction and I felt the needle on my left and right side 7 time in total. I finally said I am having contraction and they have to wait and they gave me gas and air so I can relax. I felt the needle on my right and finally didn't feel it at all.. They placed the needle wrong 8 times that was one of the most traumatic part..

My husband couldn't stay with me overnight and I was knocked out from giving birth and slept for ages. The midwife didn't come to check up on me or the baby for hours! When the midwife finally came and asked me the last time I fed the baby it had been hours!!! I still feel so guilty that my baby was starving for hours while I was knocked out!

Another time I pressed the buzzer to call midwife to help me but no one came. I tried to buzz again but the remote fell and I was without help the whole night. I had calunus on my hand so far back every time I lift the baby my hand would flex and touch the bone of my wrist. It was pretty painful but I had to do it to feed or change him at night because midwife was no where to help. It took me an hour to change his Nappy.
I just feel so violated and abandoned. And I feel guilty that I didn’t take care of baby
overnight.

Also is it normal to be stabbed by needle 9 times on my back for epidural?

That sounds like a bad experience but the baby will not remember any of that. So focus on looking after the baby and doing your best to be a nice mum.

Google the birth trauma association (BTA), you can get good help/advice, other women who share their own experiences etc. wish you all the best

Oh OP it sounds awful, my first birth was very similar, had planned a lovely natural birth and ended up with a crash c section, couldn’t do anything for my baby for a while and had massive guilt. It was really traumatic and people say at least baby is ok etc and invalidate your feelings.
Just know you are not alone, so many women are left traumatised from birth. For me, talking about it helped but it did take a long time for me to feel ok with what happened. You can have a birth debrief when you feel ready and have some of your questions answered.

Oh lovely, I’m sorry this happened to you.

I can only talk from my experience but after a traumatic birth I tried to ‘let it settle’ but it never did. And coming up to his 1st Birthday I felt awful- was still getting flashbacks and panic attacks. I booked in for counselling ( they prioritise mothers within the first year of birth) and I was diagnosed with ptsd. The good news… it took a little while, but now I can say I am absolutely at peace with it and I NEVER would have though that possible.

my advice would be to talk it through as much as possible to try and process it. Ask for a debrief at your hospital with your notes. And then see how you feel. If you don’t feel right seek counselling.

and don’t feel ‘guilty’ about not looking after your baby, you did- without looking after you, you couldn’t be there for them. You’re a feckin’ warrior and you should feel proud.

This is why I never bothered with a birth plan. You say you've suffered anxiety in the past and obviously your birth expectations not being met have added to that. I'd talk it over with your midwife if you're still under their care, or the health visitor if not. Have you been assessed for PND?

I had similar. I did so much hypbobirtbing and was expecting to breathe the baby out with lavender oil as my only pain relief. It ended up being hell on earth ending in c section. Was aftercare was good but the day of my sons birth was so horrendous I cried every day for 3 months.

I was obsessed with it. I talked about it all the time and everyone kept telling me that I should forget about it and focus on my healthy baby. They didn't realise that my mind was going around and around in a loop, over and over again, replaying every moment. I felt like the experience broke me as a person.

The thing that changed everything was having my second child 2 years later in a different hospital. All the staff were aware of my previous situation and they helped me have a vbac. As soon as my second baby was born, the memories of the first birth were instantly healed.

My first child is 7 now and I think about what happened dispassionately now. I'm over it, but I only stopped crying in the run up to his birthday each year when he was about 4. Even then it wasn't because I was still traumatised but because I felt so guilty about how I felt so detached from him at the start. It was hard to bond and I didn't feel like his mother for a long time. I felt like my husband was the mother and I was the nanny. It was awful.

Now, the memories are but an old scar that I rarely think of. I adore my son: he is a wonderful little guy and we have a special bond that nobody else shares in the family. He is a real mummy's boy and we love eachother so much. His little heart is so full of love. Yesterday he wrote a list of his favourite things to do and one of them was 'snuggling mummy'. I would never have believed him when I looked at this little baby in my arms 7 years ago. I felt so completely raw and dehumanised.

I went on to have 2 more children, and neither of the subsequent births were traumatic. I have more if my husband would let me.

I hear your experience and completely understand why you feel so traumatised and neglected. Get professional help, unlike how I handled it. Your happiness and mental health are of utmost importance. Don't listen to people who tell you to just focus on the healthy baby as they don't understand how trauma works. Also, there were so many knock-on effects from the trauma which had such wide reaching effects in other people's lives. People have absolutely no idea of the immense damage that trauma can cause and how (unfortunately!) knowing that you have a healthy baby doesn't take turmoil away, no matter how much you wish it would.

Be kind to yourself, get help. Take care x

Everyone is often very quick to say that now that the baby is out and healthy that you should move on and forget something like this. I had what I suspected to be PPD after the birth of my first child (for different reasons not birth related) and I was constantly told to move on, concentrate on my baby and be happy we were both healthy (ironic that the reason I felt so terrible was because DD had had a traumatic hospital stay in the first 3 months of her life!). My biggest advice is do not brush this under the carpet. You were not wrong to have a birth plan, you were not wrong to hope for a water birth in a calm environment, you were not wrong to find the birth you ended up having traumatic.

I’m sure from a medical point of view what happened was sadly out of your control and necessary but the emotional toll is not to be underestimated. When you are ready, and it’s ok if you’re not ready yet, I would write to the hospital and ask for a birth debrief. Or alternatively if you feel strongly that you were not treated correctly then write to PALS to make a complaint. Both are there for circumstances like this.

I ended up seeing a therapist over a year later to work through this period in my life and it was invaluable. When I was pregnant second time around I felt empowered to tell my midwives early that I’d suffered from PPD with my DD and they were very understanding and I felt able to make more active and informed decisions in my care.

From a c-section point of view, I needed to have an ELCS with my second so I know how physically hard it is to recover, and this was with a planned section. Do you have help at home? It took my anaesthetist 3 tries to get my spinal in and whilst I found it a bit weird and uncomfortable I wasn’t contracting and everyone was so nice I felt ultimately ok. I can’t imagine being in the middle of contractions and having them try 8 times. This alone would be upsetting so please don’t feel old you need to brush this off.

Birth ptsd is a real thing and you can get treatment for it on the NHS.

I'm not sure where you live but if you're in England search "NHS iapt finder" to find your local provider and to find out the name of the organisation providing therapy. New parents are prioritised for treatment wherever possible and waits can be weeks, not months.

Oh op that sounds really hard. I also remember sleeping for hours after my section and being shaken awake by two midwives- I then heard another mum telling her visitors how terrible it was that my baby had cried all night and I hadn't woken to feed her. God I felt awful!!

It is totally natural to feel like it's hard to move past this, and being told that you have a lovely baby now doesn't soften the trauma of what has happened to you. For me, seeing a GP and having them say to me 'that sounds awful' was actually enough for me to spring out of it all. Perhaps you could ask for a birth debrief and talk it through with someone ? It might just help to get all of it off your chest.

Thankyou everyone for validating my feelings.I have never had any operation or stayed overnight in hospital. I initially thought what I was going through was just aftermath of operation as no one I mentioned this to whist crying said its not normal to feel like this.Everyone I spoke to (mainly family) kept saying it will stop soon and just focus on baby and future. I do focus on baby and future but flashback and nightmares are not something I have control over.

I will look into birth debrief. I have health visitor coming next week so will mention all this to her too. Thankyou everyone I will definitely have to talk it out. This whole experience has made me so weak emotionally. Hopefully this will resolve soon so when I see hosp pic of me and baby I wldnt feel sad or triggered.

Have a birth debrief, ask those questions you need to have answered.
Did they know you were having a contraction ? Did they talk things through. I know the team need to be ahead of the situation but someone explaining to you can help those fears of the unknown
Good luck

If the doctor pt her hand inside you without asking for consent then she assaulted you.

Your experience was awful.I am so sorry.

"How to heal a bad birth " by Melissa Bruijn was a useful book for me, as well as some sessions with a psychologist specialising in PTSD.