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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

don't know if i can go through childbirth again

22 replies

moodymammy · 23/01/2008 21:37

I know that childbirth is painful but i honestly don't know if i can do it again. I gave birth for the 1st time 3 months ago to a lovely little boy. I had banked on an epidural which didn't happen because an emergency occured and so no one was available to give it to me. Fair enough its just that i really hadn'y prepared my self for the agony. stupid i know. Anyway, after giving birth i was then given the drug that sets off contractions because my placenta wouldn't come out. after another hour of agony, (AFTER I had given birth! wasn't expecting that!)I was finally taken to theatre and given an epidural. Retention of the placenta runs in my family so do you think that if i did get pregnant again (and thats a big "if") I would be able to book an elective caesarean because i would end up in surgery anyway? and is it normal to still remember the absolute agony 3 months later? I thought that you were supposed to forget it! I don't want to deprive my lovely boy of a brother or sister but if i can't have an epidural next time he'll have to be an only child! is it normal to hate childbirth so much? Its only now that i can talk about it!

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posieflump · 23/01/2008 21:39

Please please don't worry
The second time is often so much better than the first because your body has done it before
I had the epidural the 1st time and couldn't possibly imagine giving birth without one
But I did, baby nearly born at home, my body just took over
Don't base your decision to have another on just the birth experience

Original poster

moodymammy · 23/01/2008 21:44

Thanks posieflump, i know you're right. I just really want the next time to be different!! I really would like the liitlun to have a brother or sister.

OP posts:

evenhope · 23/01/2008 21:46

I swore I wouldn't have more children after the first because it was so awful, but had the 2nd 18 months later, followed by 3 and 4 at 2-yearly intervals

You will forget it, but it's early days yet.

I had a retained placenta with the first but not again, so there's no guarantee it will happen again for you.

The second is easier.

Original poster

moodymammy · 23/01/2008 21:50

so i've heard. maybe next time i'll be more prepared, i'll know what i'm letting myself in for! really would love the epidural before the actual birth though

OP posts:

OracleInaCoracle · 23/01/2008 21:52

please go easy on yourself. it is all still very fresh in your mind, give it time...

alfiesbabe · 23/01/2008 22:13

First births are usually the longest and hardest labours. So the chances are, it wouldn't be so bad again. Also, it sounds like your expectations, and what you were preparing for mentally were fairly key to how things turned out. You say you were counting on an epidural, so I guess you had it in mind that the experience would be painless or as near to painless as possible. So when you couldnt have one, you probably felt helpless and cast adrift, rather than feeling in control. I believe the feeling empowered is a really important part of childbirth. I had a friend who gave birth at the same time as i had my first dc. She had an epidural which didn't 'take' properly, and she described the birth as 'terrible'. She was really traumatised by the pain. I had my dd in a midwife unit, so no epidural on offer (which i knew and accepted). Now on the face of it, you'd think her birth would be no worse than mine - but I felt I had a 'good' birth, whereas she felt let down. So I think often it's the expectations, and not simply what actually happens, which are the key factor.
3 months is a really short time. Give yourself a chance. Why not ask to talk through the birth with a midwife? I did this after my dc 3 which I unfortuately had to have in a large hospital and I felt was very mismanaged. It helped put it into perspective. If you go for another dc, why not research all the different forms of pain relief - there's a whole array of different things which honestly do help. The trouble is, a lot of people think an epidural is the only way to go, which is a shame because it rules out all other options. And as you discovered, there's no guarantee that you'll get one when you want one - hospitals have emergencies, thats just reality.
Lulumama is really good on traumatic births and also the different options of pain relief btw.

Original poster

moodymammy · 23/01/2008 22:29

Thanks. this has really helped. I think i just need an open mind next time and if i get pain relief great, if not, well i've done it before, i can do it again.

OP posts:

alfiesbabe · 23/01/2008 22:31

Exactly!! Now if you'd got that epidural, you'd never know that would you? So look on the bright side

fingerwoman · 23/01/2008 22:39

moodymammy, I swore after having ds1 that I would NEVER have another child. It was bloody awful. I had gas and air, pethidine and 2 epidurals as well
anyway, a couple of years on and it was a different matter I wanted another baby and in Oct last year gave birth to ds2.
I can't even begin to tell you how different it was from the first time around. I was so much better prepared for it and managed the entire thing with no pain relief at all.
I am still in shock that I did it with nothing- but there you go, that's how different it can be

wotamidoin · 23/01/2008 22:44

i think its normal to be in shock afterwards after a first birth-particularly if it was'nt how you expected it to be..don't be too hard on yourself. nothing can prepare you for it really. try to concentrate on your baby and be proud of your achievement..don't let the thoughts of what might happen next time spoil these early months with your little one.
ps. second time around its much easier for most people, promise. x

Twinklemegan · 23/01/2008 22:49

Moodymammy - I still remember it 18 months on and I still don't want another one. I'm not saying you will remember it for that long, but I just don't want you to feel bad because 3 months on you haven't got over it. That's no time at all to recover from such a huge traumatic event in your life. Take care. xx

Eddas · 23/01/2008 23:02

i said after dd that I didn't ever want to go through that again. Dh said the same But ds's birth was SO much better(if you can say that) With dd I was induced and had the drip to speed up contractions, and epidural which stopped working on one side. Laste d for what felt like days but was hours really. Was heelish as had gone in on mon to be induced at 7pm and she was born on thurs at 1am and felt like i'd not slept at all.

BUT with ds I was nearly induced. They didn't have the space for me so was sent home and am thankful. Went into labour by myself and managed on G&A alone, although had asked for an epidural but ds couldn't wait. His birth was so much easier.

The birth is such a small part of having a baby. Just think how wonderful it is having your little baby there with you. Do you want that again? The pg and birth is just the start, the beginning of a journey of having a child. I know how horrible it is to think 'i can't do that again' but no 2 births are the same.

becka1 · 24/01/2008 08:05

Hello moodymammy, I feel exactly the same as you 8 months on. For me its not a case of don't know I can go through childbirth again its a definitely can't! I have spoken to my GP and if I have another one it will definitely be a c-section. Like you I ended up in theatre with a retained placenta, also episiotomy, v. bad tear, failed forceps and ventouse, and I got to 10cm without an epidural! (same reason as you because of an emergency elsewhere). No way I vould go through that again. And yes I also get told a lot that I would forget but my memory is heightened with time!!!! Several people have suggested I go back and speak with midwife through notes or contact birthtrauma place but tbh am not traumatised by it....but would be traumatised if I thought it (i.e. childbirth)could happen again. Others seems to have an ok time...and so tell me it could be like this for a second but when this has happened to you you just can't believe that.So do what you feel is right for you!

Original poster

moodymammy · 24/01/2008 08:22

Can you have a c-section if you just ask for one? surely not, aren't they more expensive for the nhs? Anyway, thanks to everyone for the support, i'll see how i feel in a year or so. wouldn't it be easier if babies actually were delivered by stork!!!!

OP posts:

Hecate · 24/01/2008 08:31

Congratulations on your son!! Enjoy your baby and don't spend your time thinking about this (unless you are TTC right now, of course). It has only been 3 months and you are still adjusting (getting over the shock!!) probably sleep-deprived and hormonal! as we all are in the early days. gawd it was all such a shock, so right now the pain is going to be what you remember most.

I had a good labour with ds1 until the very end, then it took a turn for the horrific. (not pain wise) After that I went through a bit of shit emotionally and swore I was NEVER having another. Well, 6 months later I was accidently pregnant and I was scared but it was fine in the end.

Shit happens, of course, but generally things are rarely as bad as you fear they will be. You CANNOT focus your mind on the negs, or you will never get out of bed in the morning.

xxx

Marne · 24/01/2008 08:39

Hi, my first birth was auful, i wrote on my birth plan that i wanted a natural bith with no pain relief. I was pushing for 8 hours and had a 3rd degree tear which took months to get over. I swore i would'nt have any more but 18 months latter i was pg with dd2, the brth was so different, i started in the bithing pool and then had an epidural which was great, dd2 came with 2 pushes, i had a small tear and was walking around within a few hours. I just hope no3 is that easy

Marne · 24/01/2008 08:40

I also had retained placenta with dd1 but not dd2

becka1 · 24/01/2008 09:06

moodymammy, most doctors will agree if you have had a previous bad birth, I know how bad a retained placenta can be, with me its a whole catalogue of things as well as that, but also if you are really anxious they should be sympathetic. Go and speak to your GP....she/he is very likely to say to you come back in a few months/a years time, but worth a chat I would say. mine said enough at the 8 week check to put my mind and ease and allow me to put it at the back of my mind....

NatalieJane · 24/01/2008 09:17

I didn't have a terrible (compared to others I have heard/read about) birth with DS1, but, I found it very traumatic, I hated every last second of it, swore I would never have another, even to the point I remember telling my DH if I got pregnant again I would have a termination

About 4 years later I started getting broody, and a year later had the most wonderful birth experience, I did it all on a few puffs of gas and air, and I would now do it again in an instant (infact we are starting TTC'ing again in May!)

I think while there are no guarentees, when you have been through the sort of labour you don't want, you know better what to expect and ask for next time, and of course your body has had a bit of practice which makes it all the more easier.

NatalieJane · 24/01/2008 09:18

Meant to say as well, I still remember to this day the pain with the first and second labours, and the first one was 6 years ago!

2sugarsagain · 24/01/2008 09:22

IMHO, the armageddon that happens every flipping morning between dds 8 and 9 in this house comes nowhere near the pain I suffered with dd2 when I wasn't allowed an epidural.

Do bear in mind second and subsequent labours are sometimes faster, although maybe a little more intense.

uglybugly · 24/01/2008 11:50

Moodymammy - my first birth was so traumatic I swore I would'nt have another - and I managed for another 10 years to avoid it! However, circumstances change - and eventually I did become pg with my 2nd - but was scared s**tless! I did make sure though I voiced my fears to everyone, and luckily had a great ante-natal team at my hospital who arranged for me to talk my fears through with obtetricians, anaethetists (spelling?), midwives and a clinical psychologist. Sounds extreme - but I was so scared I made sure that I was going into my 2nd birth well prepared!
My 2nd went like a dream - birthing pool, minimal g&a, 3 hour labour. I was euphoric that I'd 'done' it without the need for any intervention - but a bid sad and guilty that I had left it for so long especially when I'd denied my ds1 a much wanted sibling for so long.
All the ms's told me that 2nd births were much easier than the 1st, which I pooh-pooh'd at the time - I believe them now! I'd do it again tomorrow if I had the energy
It may be worth getting back in touch with your HV? Maybe they can refer you back to your obstetrics team? Best of luck x

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